Hard Next?

fnordsnord · 2016-12-13T15:12:00+00:00

I almost always advise against the "hard" next, which assumes telling her what you think of her and telling her to stay out of your life. I reserve this for toxic, crazy people.

In 99% of cases, the "soft" next, just declining to contact her, is sufficient. It's not your job to improve her, and there's a chance she might come back around. I've gotten 2 - 3 bangs for "old time's sake" out of women I've soft-nexted when they wandered back around looking for affirmation.

nabosch · 2016-12-13T15:11:43+00:00

Yes you are not wrong

edwardhwhite · 2016-12-13T15:13:48+00:00

Soft next. Don't contact again. If she contacts you again act like nothing happened but she invites and you schedule another date the same night.

MattyAnon · 2016-12-13T18:05:05+00:00

This happens and you need to live a life where this is ok. You need to be life-immune to female flakiness because it's not going to stop.

Look at it like this:

She's flakey, that's how she is. What's the best slot in your life for someone who is flakey? That's someone who you can see at short notice if you're free, and someone who tags along to something else you're doing and it's fine if she doesn't show up.

Also if she makes the effort to see you, and you don't change plans for her. If she shows cool, if not then you've made no change of plans anyway. And you've got a plan B lined up.

Accept her as she is. Be ok with it. Optimise your life accordingly.

So no, no hard next. Simply mentally demote her to "maybe flakey girl" and remove all emotional commitment. Game other women obviously. Tell her "no prob". Invite her out again - you've got nothing to lose. Just don't commit any more than a passing thought to her turning up.

trpchecker · 2016-12-13T22:19:27+00:00

Don't let a girl flake on you twice. Be in the moment. The first time she flakes. Tease her, something stupid like ... you are such a corn flake. She'd be like what do you mean or she gets the point. Let her know that you don't like flaking and quickly move on without giving her an opportunity to retort. If she retorts, she'll probably deny it or give an excuse trying to frame that she didn't flake on you. Don't argue with her. Just agree and amplify with some amused comment. She will understand that she flaked, and that you don't like it. She will hamster that you bought her silly excuse (feels safe and not judged). She will also hamster that you only gave her a second chance only because you bought her excuse. She won't hamster any of this if you are legitimately pissed after this. Be amused always.

If she flakes again, let her go without a single comment, until she re-initiates. She will hamster that she fucked up, she will think that you now actually don't consider her worthy of anything. She wants to save face and will come up with an apology + excuse.

When she re-initiates with this, invest less. If she asks you to meet on Friday, say Saturday. Invest less. Make her work for it. She will respect you for it. If she asks you are mad, just say "Why? Should I be mad?". She will hamster :- shit he didn't even realize I flaked on him. Fuck never going to flake on him again.

If she doesn't re-initiate. Move on. You should have already been doing that anyway.

Play the game. Don't be mad. Pass the tests.

Title	Hard Next?
Author	mgfowler
Upvotes	2
Comments	5
Date	December 13, 2016 3:00 PM UTC (9 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askTRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/5i40ac/hard_next/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askTRP/hard-next.79049 https://theredarchive.com/post/79049

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