I've been self-improving myself for a year and I am now realizing that I hate myself. It all started back in November of 2019. I was getting into the skinny fat body type and I didn't like myself. I got invited to a party in November and it was possibly the worst day of my life. When I got there I was immediately made fun of. The people there called me the ugliest guy in school and roasted me for everything I did. After the party those people still roasted in my school and whenever I saw them. Girls would make jokes abt me and say how ugly I was. (Lowkey it wasn’t even the first time abundance of people at my school thought I was unattractive. People from my freshman year all until last year have said something making fun of my looks). So during Christmas break(2019) I started working out and watching YouTubers on how to be more confident.

I found self-improvement YouTubers such as Improvement Pill and many Red pill channels. I changed my hairstyle and begin being more healthy. I saw some attraction from girls but I still wasn't confident. I even reached goals and saw that school was easy for me. However, before we went into isolation I saw the girl I liked being with some other guy so I told myself that I wasn't going to stop self-improvement in quarantine.

So every day from March of 2020 till now. I have been improving myself and doing everything related to self-improvement. Working out, meditating, cold showers, quitting porn, stopped masturbating, eating healthy, water, reading, programming projects journaling, stretching, hygiene, and getting 7-8 hours of sleep. I've grown a lot and gained scholarships and finished a lot of programming projects.

However, I still hate myself and developed an unstable relationship with self-improvement. I still subconsciously think I’m ugly. Like I always need to look in the mirror to assure myself that I’m attractive. If I don’t feel attractive I end up having a bad day. My attraction levels and self improvement also share a distorted relationship in which if I feel ugly I punish myself by doing a intense workout or subjecting myself to longer hours of studying. It’s weird but sometimes I want to scream if I don’t look the way I want to. I’ve also started to hate myself for being a 17-year-old virgin, and loner. I kind of cut off all my friends to gain more time in programming and school.

The only things I have in my life are coding working out and studying. Everyone else I see in my school is having the most fun while I just sit in my room alone asf.I have this belief that if I dedicate my entire existence to working on coding projects and self-improving as a whole, then I can be better than all those people who bullied me. I'm so hard on myself with everything I do because I feel I have to be the best to get people to recognize me. I can't let go of the past, so I don't know if I should stay with the mentality.