I make myself feel this way because I believe that everyone else is already hating me (or emotionally beating me up) so in order for them to not hate me, let me go and take pity on me, I emotionally beat myself up before they have a chance to do that as a way of a pre-emptive strike. It’s kind of an automatic, almost subconscious pattern, and it doesn’t make any sense.

For example, a few minutes ago, I walked into the gym with my member card without it beeping after forgetting to do that while walking by the entrance the first time. I slid back, scanned my card at the scanner (it didn’t beep because I just put the card up to the scanner as I was walking by it, and said, “I don’t sneak in” jokingly (which reeked of giving a fuck/trying to be cool, because I wanted to say it, but I knew I was giving a fuck about the gym receptionist’s reaction & wanted her to be impressed by my wit & attempt to recover from a gaffe). Some fat brown chick who works there asked me, “Are you even a member, what’s your name?” like she was bewildered, & I went back to a soft, scared, mumbling, fast beta voice & body language & told her I was on a free trial, & she told me that the card had to beep and not to “sneak in.” So I went back, held the card at the scanner until it beeped, and walked to the locker room.

I know this is a little & stupid thing, but I used this example to show how even the tiniest of things bother me. I should be working out right now. Instead, I’m typing this & sulking in a gym locker room.

How do I stop this pattern?