I need to talk

Archwinger · 2014-05-21T17:51:17+00:00

The medical and psychiatric help you need exceeds what a bunch of guys on the internet can provide to you.

See a psychiatrist if you're not under the care of one already. Take your anti-depressant drugs, at least until you're over the hump and not cowering in your room for months at a time. Those two steps will help you cope with day-to-day life.

Use that day-to-day life to get your ass to a gym daily, eat healthy, and get back on track in school. When you're physically healthy, look awesome, have a degree and a stable job, money, a place to live, and your own life has fallen into place, then you can worry about stupid shit like women.

[deleted] · 2014-05-21T20:17:36+00:00

[permanently deleted]

Movonnow · 2014-05-21T20:38:43+00:00

I've been there. I hate her for you, and I don't even know what all she did. Don't feel guilty about that. Just focus on yourself. Soon enough, you'll find yourself having trouble recalling her name.

Movonnow · 2014-05-22T08:17:30+00:00

I just woke up and I realized :

I am tired of waking up thinking about my ex. I am tired of thinking about the same question again and again : how many times did she cheat on me? With who? I read on TRP that women always lie about their number but she was looking frank when she told me hers. Did she loved me?

Actually, I have a hard time believing that she is like women are described on TRP. It's painful to acknowledge she cheated on me, never loved me and used me as a beta buck and thus considered me disposable.

And I'm fucking sick of those same questions spinning in my head again.

Old_Pine_Tree · 2014-05-22T17:33:28+00:00

I wrote more than I intended, but give it a read anyway:

Assuming no other mental disorders apart from unipolar depression, I suspect the issue you have with your ex stems from the fact that you think she got one over on you. In other words, she played you, took advantage of you, made you feel weak, made a mockery of you, and despicably destroyed the image you had of yourself as a competent, strong, respectable, valuable, admirable man.

I could be wrong on that front, but some of the things you've posted in this thread suggest that is the case:

"one of the whores of my college and became her beta buck"
"the relationship was living hell"
"I think about her ALL THE FREAKING TIME"
"I kind of hate her in fact"
"demonstrating value in front of her"
"I couldn't stand her negative influence in my life"
"how many times did she cheat on me?"
"It's painful to acknowledge she cheated on me, never loved me and used me as a beta buck and thus considered me disposable"

There's a lot of resentment there from a man who believes he was mistreated and abused and is angry with himself for having been exposed to such treatment. Note that this man also wants to regain the upper hand and fucking WIN.

The good news is that you will learn A LOT from this experience that, if handled properly, will protect you from ever feeling like this again.

The bad news is that it's hard work and you will always look on this period of your life with shame.

In my opinion, the mechanism of your distress is misplaced expectations. Ideally, it's reasonable for a man to think that a woman will be loyal and kind, treat him with respect, and try to help him achieve the best version of himself... until you become acquainted with the reality that this is rarely the case. This is what RP aims to reveal, and you understand this since you are posting on /asktrp as opposed to something like /relationships.

The problem with such expectations is that no matter how noble or aspirational they hypothetically appear to be, when they are continually upended by reality, you feel a negative reaction as a result. If X -> Y is how it's supposed to be, then why the fuck is it X -> Z the vast majority of the time? Reason doesn't make sense. The situation is confusing and troublesome. Sociosexual interaction seems more like chaos rather than order. That's where the bitterness and resentment comes in.

A better approach is to understand how things are (e.g. your ex loved the way you made her feel, your value to her was contextual, etc.) than how they should be, and then map your expectations to those realities. When you start doing this, you attain more positive reactions to your experiences because everything is congruent and sensical. This is the understated aim of TRP.

Think of a circumstance where a pick-up-artist loves bar-stars and club-sluts because, hey, all he expects from them is a good roll in the hay. And he gets it. All that bullshit about respect and loyalty? Out the window. Doesn't matter. And as a consequence he paradoxically has a much better disposition towards women than the frustrated chump in a marriage or long-term relationship who bends over backward for a partner who ends up despising him.

Now, this doesn't mean you need to learn how to become a player, though if that's your desire give'r. All I am saying this means is that you need to learn where your sphere of influence ends (i.e. understanding what you can control vs. what you can't) and matching your expectations for other people's conduct accordingly (hint: that sphere only includes yourself).

Never think about what people should 'owe' you, because they owe you nothing. Period.

Only think about what standards of conduct you will not tolerate being broken when interacting with you. Girlfriend cheats on you? Who cares? You weren't expecting fidelity from her in the first place, you just decided not to tolerate it if it happens.

This can be hard to do if it's not your default setting, but when you have emotionally mapped a series of explicit standards or 'rules' that you legitimately believe you deserve, rejecting others's behaviour actually becomes pleasurable because your mental paradigm changes from, "this person hurt me, protection mode engaged" to "awesome, more dead weight gone from my life!"

I don't freaking know what to do.

First and foremost, steady as she goes. Continue to effect all of the improvements you've alluded to in this thread. Try to get a handle on your depression.

Second, try to legitimately understand why the expectations you had for your ex were wrong and inapplicable. Take responsibility for your mistakes, but then be sure to forgive yourself - you didn't know. Now you do, and going forward you will never make those mistakes again.

Third, come up with a game plan for the future. Make a list of things you won't tolerate and read it every morning. When someone breaks one of those rules, practice not getting angry; reject them and smile because you've just freed up emotional space for someone better. Work on cultivating accurate expectations for people in your life. Read some Stoic philosophy (i.e. Marcus Aurelius and Epictetus) and reflect on how it can be applied to your daily life.

Finally, instead of rejecting your current circumstances, understand the value in it and what a great opportunity it presents. You're young. You can bounce in ways many older men cannot.

Title	I need to talk
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	6
Comments	23
Date	May 21, 2014 5:38 PM UTC (12 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askTRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/264wjb/i_need_to_talk/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askTRP/i-need-to-talk.139923 https://theredarchive.com/post/139923

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