Everything I have written happened this week.

Some background: I learned about the redpill about six years ago. I started lifting, went to a nutrionist, drank less beer, invested in myself. Around March 2016 I started using Tinder and matched with my now ex girlfriend. She is a feminist and a founding member of the local chapter of a left oriented political party here in México. When I met her she had distanced from the party since she was a volunteer for an anti-political parties collective. She always tried to "convert" me to her political ideologies but I told her since the first day that I don't believe in politicians. I vote, but I always cancel my vote.

We had our ups and downs but most of the downs were because of politics. In all of the arguments we had alcohol was involved. I usually lost frame and while I tried to maintain it, I couldn't let go many things she said. Almost all of our discussions were caused precisely by our political discrepancies and by our tendency to drink and talk about delicate issues.

I'm divorced and I have a daughter, and while she at the start tried to make a bond with her in the last couple of years she started to "give me time with my daughter" every weekend I had with my daughter. Now in retrospective I feel that she just wanted to stay away from my daughter.

We broke up in 2019 because of a feminist march where a male news reporter was assaulted by the protesters. I got pissed off because she said, literally, that "he shouldn't have been there". Things escalated and I ended pouring her drops of beer and throwing the beer can to a wall. She left yelling at me saying that she didn't wanted to see me anymore. I went to therapy (with a feminist therapist, go figure) and again started to invest in me. A couple of months later she appeared at my door telling me that she missed me. We reconciled up and we had a very happy year and six months.

Fast forward to the reason I'm writing. in recent days where she works went through a change of administration. The new manager (a woman) brought in an assistant (a man) that would be in charge of most of the job my ex was already doing. The manager and the assistant are VERY close (they get to work on the same car). Feeling that my ex could be left out by the new administration and possibly moving her to a lower position (with a much lower salary) I told her that she should seek a volunteering job at her political party, since we are in elections season it would be the perfect time to reach them and see if she can, eventually, get a job in the government.

She reached them and they gave her a job as a coordinator. She was thrilled and I was happy for her since she had job options now. Meanwhile at her day job she was ratified at her position. Everything was going splendid.

However, this meant that she started working a full day from 9 to almost 9. We usually met at the weekends so it wasn't a big deal and during the day we were texting each other as usual.

This past Sunday she told me that she was feeling tired but had time to see me. When I greeted her I noticed that her eyes got teary when she saw me, I brushed it out as she was feeling tired. We talked and all but she left early since she was feeling tired. From this moment I felt her a bit distant but I thought it was nothing.

On Monday I noticed her cold in her text replies. Just a few words or one word replies, taking more time than usual to reply me. On Tuesday I felt her very distant. That night I was having some beers and around 9pm I noticed that she didn't texted me (she always texted me to tell me when she headed in and out her home) I texted her and after 20 minutes she told me coldly that she was going to her house. I decided to text her asking her what was happening. She then tells me that I did nothing wrong but it something with her, and she is afraid to tell me so I told her to spill it out.

Then she texted me that she is was feeling attracted to someone else. I connected the dots and I told her that I knew it. I phoned her to ask her what was going on and said the same thing, She then said that "nothing has happened". In this moment I was feeling betrayed and I told her "we have five years together, doesn't it mean anything?" which she replied that yes but she is feeling attracted. She also mentioned that I have not said a thing about moving together. I replied her that she told me that she wanted to take care of her mom first and I was waiting her, to which se replied with "I know, but it is something that you should have bought up after". After that I said to her that power goes as it comes and she said "yes I know". Nothing that she said sounded remorseful, on the contrary, with a faint tone of impudence. Nothing that could reassure me that our relationship could be saved or that she loved me.

So I dropped it, I said "well this is an ultimatum, you stop going there or I'm done" which she replied "I still have work to do there" so I said "well, you have made your decision". I waited some time to see if she wanted to say something else but nothing. I hung up.

I felt devastated and felt that I needed revenge.

Last year I gifted her a macbook pro that I used for university and I wasn't using since I work on my PC. She loved it and used her for everything even for her day job.

On Wednesday I went to see her at her job. When she saw me she froze up but still continued with some chat she was having. She excused for making me wait and I told her that she had to give me the macbook. She then said "nothing has happened" but I said again give me the macbook. She then said that she was planning to return it to me once she backed up her files. I insisted and grabbed the macbook from the desk. Then I ripped the screen from the body of the macbook and gave it to her telling her "this is my heart". Before leaving I said loudly "have you told your manager that you think that her and her assistant are sleeping together?" Also yelled her treacherous and flip-flopper. I left and noticed that I was being followed by two guys so I got into my car as fast as possible.

The next day I sent her everything she gifted me in cardboxes, particularly clothes and shoes that belonged to her dad that she gave to me after he passed away (he died three years ago on may 31th). My ex lives with her mom and I sent a note directed to her mom telling her that I was very grateful for everything and that I wanted to preserve the memory of husband by returning everything they gave me, I even apologized for the state that some things (mostly shoes that I used). I also said that I was going to miss every member her family and that I will always love her daughter.

Later that day my ex texted me that she has been demoted. I texted her back that I was sorry that what I said was used as an excuse to demote her. Later she replied me that I didn't felt sorry, that I'm a horrible person. I replied her back telling her she was also a bad person for not telling me from the beginning what was happening. We went back and forth, telling me that I'm violent, that I didn't changed and that I had invaded her work place. In the end she said "see you never" which I replied "all right, now I know that you stopped loving me a long time ago. That's what I wanted to know".

After this wall of text I'm aware and what I did was terribly wrong, that I'm immature, that going to therapy didn't helped me and after all I'm a blue pilled bitch. My question is, what's the take of the red pill to deal with violent thoughts and actions? How can I overcome these feelings?