I'm writing this after something struck me smack dab in the face while trying to sleep tonight. Funny to have a realization about yourself at 2am.

Anyway, before this slips my mind...

My whole life since age 12: I want to move out! I hate my mom and stepdad and living in their glorified redneck farmhouse being home schooled. I was home schooled grade 5-half of 7th grade. So I identified heavily as trying to be extremely independent, partially because it would get me out of my parent's sheltering faster and away from my mother's smothering. I'm her little cancer survivor and first born. Double whammy folks!

Fast forward to 2014, graduating highschool on time, hanging out with friends 24/7 because I made my mom mad and had a friend who could take me to/from school everyday. I excelled at making friends, having fun, skimping through my classes with straight D's. I also had a internet business up and making me money. It was the only way I could feed myself (see that Independence rearing its head here).

Present day: I'm insecure, I feel like I lost my identity of being independent, and I can sometimes not cross the street safely. Multiple vision issues, I wake up each day with a new vision acuity. It's usually around 20/50 - 20/70 sometimes 20/100.

I can't read the menu's on the walls of restaurants, I feel less of a man asking for a friend's help to read if something might be on the menu. I stick to the basics (chicken tenders, ham and cheese sub, cheeseburger fries), I don't special order anything. I always tell the person taking my order I can't read shit on the menu so, try and guess what I want.

I feel like I have a ego issue maybe?

I know for a fact I tie my confidence heavily to my vision anymore.

I feel like a limp little leaf getting blown in the wind with my vision changing all the time.

I go on dates with girls but I have no drive to even talk to them. I lack that drive, or as I put it I don't "puff my chest out, and follow my dick" to where it wants/needs to go.

I'm really not that bad off, it's just I'm too heavily invested in fixing my vision. I have done 10 eye drops a day for 2 years, spent thousands of dollars on surgery, thousands on eye drops.

I put in the time and effort to fix my eye as best I could.

I've tried meditating on going blind and trying to accept that it might happen anyway. I just get sick and feel like puking. The rest of my day is usually shit and I can't sleep for a week after trying that stuff. It messes with my head too hardcore. I have to smoke weed sometimes for me to even get a decent night's sleep, I hate medicating myself like that.

Funny thing was when I was declared legally blind I had no problems sleeping, no problems mentally, I was pretty happy. I was even able to continue working on my computer (everything was bold font size 35+). I also listened to a few different books on philosophy and 3 of robert greene's books (48 laws, seduction, and 50th law).

How do I learn to accept my new identity? What is my new identity (I have no fking clue)?

Is this a ego issue?

Can you suggest any books to help me?

I appreciate it guys, thanks.

-iScriptz