Hi TRP. I have a long time girlfriend. Our sex life isn't that great. When we were first dating it was a lot better, but she's been less interested for a while now. More regularly she just wants to cuddle and tells me that I make her feel safe. When I make a sexual advance, she often rejects it (I know, "she's cheating on you." For the sake of progress lets all just assume she's not cheating, because that would make this question and any subsequent answers moot). It's nice that she feels safe in bed with me, but I want to get to that after she feels aroused and we have sex.

She'll apologize the next day after we didn't have sex. It seems like she's nervous that I'm mad about it, which I probably am. But usually I just reassure her and say, "it's okay" or something to that effect.

I know that I have a deeper issue here, but what are some good ways to respond to the situation I'm presented with (rejected advance)? I see a lot of talk about withholding affection, is there a way to do that without being an outright dickhead? How can you make it seem natural, as opposed to the obvious passive aggressive emotional bullshit that it is? I care about her and I want to make her want sex, not emotionally manipulate her into feeling obligated to open her legs for me... I know a lot of what I just wrote is at odds with itself. I'm just not sure what to do here. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks for reading.