Feel like I got told exactly what I wanted, yet didnt want to hear.. LTR of 2 years sometimes had made me wonder if I was her "Beta-Bucks" but I felt unsure, perhaps it was in my head.

But we go out and she has a few drinks and this convo takes place..

Me "I kind of wish I was single for a little while longer before we met to be honest."

Her "I couldnt go on another year honestly. I needed to find you. I would have blown my brains out. You dont know what its like out their like I do. Honestly..I think my next step was a married man."

I kinda was shocked and said "Um..What?"

She says "Just to know someone had my back or at least for money."

I say "Like a sugar daddy?!"

She says "No, blackmail to be honest."

I was kind of appalled by what she said. I know before I came along she had tumultuous relationship after relationship. Basically she was ghosted or ended up finding out the guys she was seeing had GF she didnt know about. Even once 3 years back she played sidechick to a guy for 3 years whos GF was away at college. She even mentioned it..

Said "You know I was with that guy for 3 years. It was better then being alone. Someone to talk to or have my back."

I dont know...this shit kind of makes me view her differently. We've been together for almost 2 years but knowing if we didnt meet up she perhaps had this plan in her head of "by next year if shit aint going good I'll do this.." Then I come along...