New trend, TL;DR goes at the top. I learned how to exist by forgetting how to be motivated, and have difficulty being motivated while not under the influence. I'm operating under the idea that TRP is primarily about self actualization for men... don't really care about the women part until I get the rest under control. Advice?

Background: I am now 28. I grew up with awesome parents; my dad found a unicorn, someone more governed by logic than himself. I was raised under the paradigm that I was another human that just hadn't had as much experience, and as such when I asked 'why?' it was never met by "because I said so", but instead by explanation. There was a mutual respect. Kind of spoiled me for when I hit public school.

By middle school I could predict the actions of the children around me, and it didn't leave much room for establishing anyone as a peer. I actively decided that no one my own age was worth my time, and I didn't give a shit about reputation or women. I used logic to brainwash myself. Any time I saw these kids around me enjoying themselves, I would focus on some mantra variation of 'Look at these idiots making short sighted mistakes. I'm focused on the future'. I was very depressed and way too confident to admit it to anyone including myself. But that was fine, it gave me time to memorize the C++98 standard.

Of course during that time I went through puberty, and developed one-itis a number of times. It felt like latching on but not acting on it was the moral thing to do. My upbringing emphasized it was what was on the inside that mattered, and my parents didn't have good information about physical/dietary health, so I grew up with a bias that exercise was a primitive societal artifact and that real people could function entirely in the mental realm. That everyone failed to do so just indicated that they were on a lesser level.

As a result of having too much confidence to make friends and thus developing an unhealthy immunity to peer pressure, I went it alone through undergrad. It wasn't until grad school in another state where we had a small (40ish) graduating class of people interested in the same academic stuff that I was that I could reinvent myself and try my hand at making friends.

Then I turned 21, and my new friends introduced me to alcohol. It was a bit mindblowing for me, because it reconnected me with a part of me that I thought was dead. But that part of me wasn't dead, it was just ridiculously depressed and wanted my attention. It was just a wave of 'holy shit, I can have 'feelings' again!'

So that ended up being addictive and ruining all the friendships I tried to develop past that point. Though somehow I still kept my professional self completely separate, and managed it competently enough to cement what is now a 6 figure job. I've got an awesome condo, an awesome job, and no life. I'd like to fix that.

So like I said at the top, I get motivation with intoxication... I can get smashed, and then end up working out so hard that I'm more sore than hung over the next day. But without alcohol, I'm disconnected and would rather spend my days sleeping. How do I disconnect the good from the bad?