For simplicity's sake, I will keep this as short as possible so I don't turn this into a wall of text. I was brought up with an abusive dad and because of that my parents divorced. My mom is a very good parent and I love her so much but a woman can't raise a boy like a father can. Dad's emotional abuse which started from the age of 5 and his imposed social isolation left me with a lot of social issues, and us moving to a totally different country and culture following the divorce further alienated me from my peers.

Even when we moved from Slav world to western europe it wasn't until recently that I discovered TRP (8 months ago), because I was sick of being a victim, bitching about everything and doing nothing and being a worthless incel. I went from the quiet nice guy that nobody bothered to a controversial figure that half of the people from school hated. Went from nerdy geek to demigod body. I didn't understand, I made a post about it, and lots of ECs told me that I screwed up because of crabs in a barrel effect. Oh well, it's just school and kids, right?

There isn't much time left until the year is over but I can't go back to school. The fear, the shame, the guilt, anger and hurt, the crippling ridicule, the total ostracization by most kids there, the labels such as "creepy" or "rapey". Every single day I am reminded of this. Every night there are nightmares where I relive all these feelings. The abandonment by my father, the visceral, gut-ripping feeling of not having been a NORMAL child. I had to LEARN how to be normal. I don't remember much of these dreams but every time I wake up I have that not-so-pleasant feeling. I don't want to go back to the fat, socially awkward, sexually inept incel that I was but it feels like everybody wants me to.

I can't talk about it with my friends or family. I don't want to come off as an insecure bitch to them, but please I need the nightmares to end. All this hurt, all this pain, it needs to stop but I don't know what to do about it. I keep my days as busy as I can with gym, guitar, rugby, driving lessons, school and so on but there are always interludes where my mind wanders to these dark places, or into the people at school.

The shame is too much to bear... What can I do to get rid of this? What is your advice to me?