Crosspost "My (22f) husband (28m) of one year is showing increasingly controlling behavior after I landed a job" from /r/relationships:

I apologize for the length, I needed to get a lot off my chest apparently. I'll post a TLDR at the top! Thanks.

TL;DR: My husband has went off the deep end since we got married and I got a new job. He's controlling, possessive, doesn't let me live my own life. It's always "us" as the priority even when it comes to small things such as socializing outside of work, my own hairstyle and dress, or any free time I may have that doesn't include him. I think we need counseling, or he does, as he seems mentally ill.

I've known him since I was 16. We worked together and became fast friends. We definitely crushed on each other back then, but nothing ever happened because of the age gap.

After graduating, I moved away for a couple of years. We still texted and skyped, we both love gaming so about once a week we would hang out on skype and do that. Still just friends as I was seeing someone off and on until I was 19.

Well I encountered some personal issues at college (mostly anxiety, panic attacks) and came home to study closer to home where I had a better support network. It was great to be around family and friends again (including him). He helped me get back on my feet emotionally. He also helped to get my old job back as he's in management there, and we picked up right where we left off.

Long story short, all the old feelings were still there for both of us. We started dating a few months after I got home and have been together ever since. We got married last summer. I got my degree and landed a job somewhere else and that's where the problems started.

I work in a fast paced work environment, where you're definitely super dependent on your coworkers, little down time, etc. I'm on my feet all day and and the hours are long and sometimes unpredictable. I love my job but it definitely gets stressful at times.

My husband hasn't been understanding to say the least. I had never really taken him for the jealous or controlling type, but maybe that's because we always previously worked together? Anyway... He doesn't let me go out with my coworkers for a beer after a hard shift. If I'm texting them about scheduling, he has to read the convos after. When I'm home all I want is a hug, maybe a foot rub and a glass of wine and Netflix. But no. He's looking through my phone to see who I texted/called throughout the day, looking at my coworkers' FB convos, etc etc. While giving me 20 questions about who I talked to, what I did, why didn't I call him on my lunch break?

On a side note, he approves my work outfits every morning. If I am wearing too much makeup he makes me take it off. This has led to me doing it in the parking lot as I want to look professional. I take it off before the drive home.

If I (god forbid) want to eat lunch with my coworkers, he goes off on a tangent for 20 straight minutes that night, asking me why I prioritize them over him, he's my husband and he loves me and worries about me. He tells me how he sits at his desk waiting for my call. I've stopped even texting him on my lunch break if I'm eating with them, because if I do a courtesy text to let him know, he will spam call me until I pick up and have to leave the group to go calm his nerves for the duration of my lunch break. So on top of that I was skipping lunches for him...

One day I was feeling like I needed a change, so after work I went and got my hair dyed and cut, and a manicure. Nothing major...It's pretty similar to my old color and length (just a few layers and a trim). I've never dyed it my entire life and usually cut it myself at home. I thought I looked pretty spiffy, if I do say so myself. I didn't tell him because I wanted to surprise him! Well... I walk in the door and his jaw literally drops. He grabs a fistful and asks if I did this for (insert male co worker's name).

This was the last straw for me. I called him on his bullshit and told him the surprise was for me, as well as for him! I want to be able to look goddamn nice for once. I told him to trust me a little bit and that I love him! His reaction? "Give me your phone."

I didn't want to because I sent a pic to one of my girlfriends at work to ask her opinion. I knew it would set him off for some reason...

Well he grabbed it from my purse after I told him no, and he went and looked anyway (we have each other's fingerprints on our phones) and he yelled at me for not coming to him first, why did I value their opinions above his? He said he hated my new hair and that I looked like an ugly pixie.

I went off crying after being berated and called names for what felt like an eternity, but was probably like a half hour. I locked myself in the bathroom and seriously contemplated just chopping all my hair off. He eventually came to the door and coaxed me out with sweet words and a hug and profusely apologizing and how I was beautiful and how he didn't deserve me. We both cried and hugged and made up.

He does this a lot. After making me feel worthless he makes it up to me with kind words and sex.

I feel like I'm walking on a tightrope and one more thing is going to send me over the edge. I love this man but I never saw this side of him before. We got married and he completely went off the deep end. Should I suggest counseling? When he's not upset (in a neutral mood) he admits that he has jealousy issues and is quick to anger, and tells me he will do better. But then a moment comes where he can't control himself and always ends up with me forgiving him because I know this is not him. I think he's mentally ill. Please I would appreciate any words of advice, thank you.

Edit: thank you everyone for the help. I know I didn’t comment much but I read everything, and you have no idea how much it means to me. I will be deleting this from my phone as many suggested.

Posted by [deleted] | 7 May 2018 | Link