MEGA UPDATE: the thought flashed into my mind for a second of clarity like my mind doesn't even want to acknowledge it. I can't let go of my exs cause if I do then I will never see someone I did so much with and for. I want to provide for these women, do everything for them and keep them happy. If I let go then how will I ever get a second chance to do things for them? When I can't it makes me sad.

Holy shit. I read it and it's a disgusting mindset but it is me...right now.

Background: I've spent the last one month completely down over a 'breakup' with someone who I thought wanted/was heading into a relationship. But then she comes out of nowhere and says she doesn't want something serious and that we shouldn't see each other. We dated for about 5 weeks tops. The funny thing is in the beginning I didn't find her attractive physically at all and didn't even want to date her. She ended up making a move on me and so I went along with it. We got real close real fast with her making it seem like she wanted something serious and then when I wanted it too, all of a sudden she just walked away.

I've taken a hard look at my life and noticed the pattern. It's not a case of me missing this girl as much as it is a case of me wanting to prove to her that she has made a mistake. Of how dare she not want me? Of losing something that I won't get back even though I didn't want it in the first place.

This isn't the first time. Every single time I've been in a relationship it's been with someone who pursued me or was into me way more that me in the beginning so that it was a sure thing. Then when it ends I'm all of a sudden devastated cause how dare they not want me? I feel like I've never really let go of any of my relationships and I always expect them to come back. Every single one is like an open scab and now that I've accumulated a bunch of breakups it's unbearable cause there's just too many loose ends. It's really hard for me to explain and I feel like I just can't make sense of it.

I'm sure it has to do with low self esteem, me feeling like I can't get girls that i want, immaturity...I don't know and it's eating me up inside. I feel like a boy stuck in a man's body.

Logically this makes no sense to me why I feel this way. I started counselling but I don't feel like it's helping. I figured someone here might be able to shed some light. Any advice/insights?

UPDATE 1: The more I think about it when I'm not in a relationship I'm not myself. When I'm in one the world is rosy, I'm productive and kicking ass. When I'm not, it's like I'm empty and everything is an uphill battle. I've had my world fall apart in other aspects of my life and not once has anything phased me. I'm one of the most optimistic people I know. But absolutely ANY minute relationship issue and I'm in a world of pain. I guess my self-esteem is somehow tied to relationships?

UPDATE 2: Some clarity as to maybe why I feel this way.

I know deep down somewhere I am capable of getting girls. But at the same time I feel like I can't get girls unless by fate they come to me. This ends up happening once every few months with a girl that shows interest and we end up in a relationship.

Now I'm in my early 20's and in grad school and I just feel like I can't get women at will. Hence why I end up in relationships with girls who like me instead. I've realised I have no idea how to set up plates or even talk to non - social circle girls. All my relationships have been social circle girls. I never thought I had to be good at random hook ups in college cause I didn't want those 'slutty ones' and wanted a girl I could spend the rest of my life with with 'better morals'. It's how I was raised in my asian culture.

This could be why I latch onto any girl I get. This seems to make sense cause I usually always miss what we did/could have done/sex more than the person and once we're in the relationship I can never see myself marrying any of them. There's just so much cognitive dissonance from me being shy, low self esteem and a pushover in high school that now that I've started becoming an attractive (Or so I think) man I still am stuck being a boy.

I will do my research, but any resources you point me to that personally helped you in the beginning would be amazing.

(I apologize if I am unclear. It's like what I'm trying to say is on the tip of my tongue but I just can't figure it out. If I get more clarity I will update this post)

Thank you guys for replying and helping me understand what is going on better! Hope someday I can do the same for someone else :)