Hello asktrp!

Now, after browsing this forum and MGTOW for a few months, I‘ve come to the point where I feel the need to share my troubles. I've got a pretty acute oneitis-issue. While I'd love to go full on mgtow I still find myself attracted, even obsessed by particular women, one of whom works at my regular pub. I am a fat, drunken slob, which I don't say in a self-deprecating but rather a matter of fact way. I‘m also a vocal, unapologetic virgin and insult women on a regular basis. I can openly say that I just don‘t care. Although at some point I appeared to have, managed, in my drunken stupor, charmed a 9ish waitress, whom I've been lusting after for months, into affectionally rubbing my hand multiple times. While I'm not exactly traditionally handsome, I would dare attribute myself some quick wit and base animalistic charm when I'm drunk; I'm quick on my feet and not afraid to vocalise my gender-political notions, which often seem to rub women the wrong way. However, on this occasion I would have to give myself credit for being, at that point in time, rather upfront and even flirtatious with her. I did display an extent of rhetoric aptitude on the evening all that happened.

Still, the entire premise seems ridiculous if you consider that she's probably a 9 while I would be, at best a low 7ish if I were in shape.

Even if this were in the realm of possibility I wouldn‘t know what to do with her if it worked out. Disregarding the fact that she could have been just mucking around for her own entertainment, all would have been nice and dandy if didn't have any intimacy issues. I could never see myself affectionately physically engaging a woman. First time she touched me I just ignored it and let her go on with. Second time I emitted a grunt, lifted my hand from under hers, grimaced at her and continued drinking my beer, at which she laughed. Third time happened while I was already at an elevated stage of drunkenness; I took her hand and dipped it into my beer, which being pissed out of my skull at the time, seemed like the most reasonable approach. While she wasn‘t happy about that she didn‘t seem too upset either. She also put a scribble I did in her pocket which I requested her to put on the pub wall including other drawings but she insisted on keeping it.

Mind that she also has a highly functional, although somewhat dull but really nice boyfriend. Although I can‘t speak to the nature of their relationship, they don‘t strike me as all that affectionate with each other.

I hate women toying with me, even if they, on a conscious level don‘t intend to. When I openly and candidly state it like this, it sounds like some form of neurosis, but I could never believe that a woman would be genuinely attracted to me. And I fucking want some extent of retaliation for the ones faking it and getting off on my insecurities. Anyhow, I ended up, despite my better intentions, obsessing over her touching my arm for a couple of days, which blessed me with insomnia and deprived me from a potentially successful completion of my exams.

The thing is, it don‘t want her. Well, I do, and I‘d be genuinely happy if I managed get her. However if I‘m honest about it, I‘d much rather derive some perverted sense pleasure from breaking her. I‘d much rather deprive myself of proper happiness if it means that I can justly can destroy someone who deserves it. I am done being humiliated by women.

Most importantly, how do I stop caring? I am misogynistic to a fault. The Handmaid‘s Tale is a fucking Utopia to me. And while I intellectually grasp the concept of the Dark Triad I don‘t seem to able to internalise it. I still find myself giggling like a school girl and obsessing over it if a woman shows me the slightest bit of affection.

Note: I am perfectly aware that I have some deeper issues which a shrink should address and I don't want people to go out of their way to tell me that. I am still very drunk so there might be some obvious narrative discrepancies which I‘ll rectify when I‘ve sobered up.