So I’m in my last year of high school/college we have two months left or so,

I’m 18, I have been previously through: beta upbringing (discouragement from being rebellious, taking risks) emotionally abusive single mother which now I live with but don’t talk to ( no contact), I’m moving out after these exams

A 2 year period of improvement, it’s been a while since I’ve visited this trp again but I’ve learnt some skills, understand the importance of habits, learned to embrace my loneliness helped my depression everyday I try to improve by 0.1% in terms of skill.

I have tried no fap, now I watch porn though once a week on Friday evening so my testosterone through the weekdays are replenished. I think lust is my only sin, crutch but I feel it’s necessary to relax I need something. I never tried any drugs, I never smoked, drank alcohol, drank energy drinks, I don’t eat McDonald’s .

I had cold showers daily for a while

Went gym with a squat, pull-up bench press routine 3 times a week for 1 year and a half, it was tough, I focused primarily on form to not damage my growing body

So some info;

In class I am known to be quite smart, people come up to confirm with me their answers, but yet this is in a confident sense (not nerdy), I answer questions often in class it’s a habit so these people know my value, I have really good posture, mewing, my own style about me and though introverted I am able to talk to girls and guys. Now I do talk more to guys than girls but only in school outside of school I’m alone in my room improving my skills. I think it’s because of this:

If I talk to girls: I am wasting my time, I could be improving myself and I could easily be put as beta category (emotional tampon) , I like being mysterious, not needy so I don’t talk much to girls, let their hamster spin. I am known around the school, even good relationships with teachers I talk to them

I know I’m attractive, I’ve been told a lot of times by guys and girls. The problem is now I have come to a point where I show too much indifference, I have been working on eye contact again (though I really don’t like giving girls attention I must show some approachability) and I really don’t like approaching girls as I don’t have social media it’s a waste of time, what should I talk about, subjects? No.

I work really hard in school always studying (girls flick their hair but they aren’t my goal) but improve my mission’s skills outside e.g singing, producing, dancing, cooking,

Some girls sometimes show iois talking behind my back how im hot handsome etc though I don’t like when they feed my ego

A girl in my class, I think I like, but make no mistake I wanna fuck her foremost, I’ve spoken to her a little bit every so often she asks me about class hw “how do I do this?” I respond confidently and calm even though she’s smarter than me I’m better than her I see through her makeup, wife material image. So pretty much as no social media I spend time developing myself I’m figuring how can I tell this girl I like her, I don’t want to be rejected but i think that I’m about to push myself to do it anyway. But what if she loses interest when I show interest, don’t girls get approached all the time I’ll just be one of them, Maybe I should say on last day of term but maybe then she’ll be going on holiday so we can’t hang out.

I know I’m rationalising a lot and perhaps it’s oneitis but I know she would be a freak, I’m not reliant on her I have my right hand and a lot of skills anyway I’d continuously develop either way so maybe I do like her.

Finally: In this day and era of me too and everything it has put me off from showing interest in girls especially in school as at 16 I was falsely accused of sexual harassment but as my life is literally schoo then self development at home it seems I have lost some skills of being the approacher, focusing too much on improving the prize but not marketing it.

I have a phone but don’t use it, as I lost my old phone twice with a lot of contacts and photos so I was just like fuck it and stopped using my phone. I have only a few numbers of my relatives lol and like 2 friends but if I get her number should I get her to type it in, I have done this in the past for girls and it worked. Should I write girl fake numbers in my phone prior so she sees I have abundance

I don’t know how to set up logistics but first I want to focus getting her number, demonstrating interest.