Hey trp, this is a long confession / ask for help. I'm new to trp, but have been reading it a lot, and the struggle here for me is real. TL;DR at bottom.

Long time BB, based on my father's whipped ass model of (un)manliness in his 40 + year marriage. My own romantic/sex life has generally been a long term relationship train, one after the other, same kind of model: Get with woman, go for the sex, stay for the bullshit and struggle, modelling my ideas off of my own relationship of approval games with my mother, eventually break up for some reason related to said struggle.

Now, I find myself 29, in a 3+ year relationship with a 32 yr old woman. In the last 3 years, I have seen cringe worthy levels of weak frame in myself, all the bb shit my dad modeled for me for 18+ years.

I've also had an awesome time with her, moving in, sharing a home successfully for the first time, getting a cat, exploring jobs/careers, building friendships with mutuals, etc. I love this girl. Oneitis, yes.

I've only just found a direction and committed to it in my new career, and its barely beginning. I wish I'd done what I'm doing now 9 years ago, but I was in university learning to think too hard. From about 2009 to 2011, I was busy repairing my mental health after a series of post grad psychotic episodes, and have been employed in many casual industries since. Now I'm headed into welding.

I was a situational jack of all trades, master of low pay and rising debt. Another problem I am solving. I have two months left in my trade training program, and then after that its up to me and fate where I'll work.

Last year, g/f got pregnant. We hadn't discussed long term baby plans that much, one way or another. I gunned for an abortion. I was absolutely not going to go for it. She agreed. Shitty time had.

Cue almost a year of grief, craziness, hardly any sex, etc. Our serious talks just have been explorations of pain, interspersed with repeating stubbornness, and both of us being aware that this is a deal breaker for us. Still working on stoicism, and emotional distance with her. That's a hard habit to change.

Our experience has polarized us in different directions - she now knows for sure that she wants kids, and I now am 90 % sure that I don't want kids. If I do eventually desire to have kids, I certainly don't want them on her time frame of the next one to three years. Maybe when I'm 35 or older. Maybe. Not sure, fully legitimate position to have as a person.

She's a wonderful partner. She cooks, cleans... sex has dropped off this year, because, as she says, sex with me is related to her continuing thoughts about procreation, and knowing that I don't want to procreate, she's less inclined to fuck me.

I'm inclined to think its because I'm not displaying much value, or my dread game is weak. I suffer from oneitis for sure, but sex has been returning with trp stuff. Lifting helps, reading helps.

Roughly two weeks ago, I go to see a male clinical counselor, to discuss this ongoing pressure in my relationship. Night before the session, she brings up the baby thing, and how she's been trying to just let it go, let it be there without needing that attachment, but she can't put it down, and how its been bothering her.

This after much of the grief and pain of the abortion has left; however, obviously, there is still a lot of thinking, a lot of desire there for her. She suggests co-counselling. I agree, and after talking with the guy at length, he said he'd want to see her one time beforehand, to hear her/be with her alone. Fine.

That was 1.5 weeks ago. I gave her his card, and reminded her a few times about it, and offered to pay for it. Still hasn't gone. I've been hamstering like a sonofabitch. I sometimes cant sleep thinking about how I want to end it, in spite of the struggle I know it would mean - emotional damage, missing her, moving out, process, etc.

I fear that, the breakup and the move-out process. I use it as a reason not to bring up my frustration and resentment towards my g/f.

I feel like I owe her the counselling session, one or two. Like that would somehow help her to see that the kids issue is going to kill it for us, and for a good reason. We aren't on the same page, the same future model.

Its like my mind is at war with my emotional habits. On one side, my emotional, comfortable habitual side, I want to preserve the relationship. I want to improve, to be the man she's magnetically attracted to. She's hilarious, and we're a good match.

In my mind, thatès not an option, because she's hit the wall, and her increasing need to lock me down is pushing me the fuck away from her.

One other note - she had her crazy hippied out party days, years, selling acid, going to festivals, upping her number, hitch hiking across the country, fucking her friends, etc. I've never asked her for her number. I know it would be way higher than mine (8 or maybe 9), but that she'd never tell me and be indignantly pissed off for days as a result. That makes me want to end the relationship yesterday, move out, and go fuck some hot 18 year olds at the college.

All that said, I've gone from ltr to ltr. I've had maybe 2 ONSs. I want to learn what it means to be a man, to play the game and win. I'm willing to put in the work.

This is the other part of the struggle I feel, that I am now in the prime of my sexual life, the male sexual drive is strong, learning trp stuff now, and I'm with this ice-cream eating baby crazy girl who is used to having me around as a BB. For example: She owes me over 500 bucks right now. Weak.

Having been reading, lurking on TRP for a month or two now, I see so much of how the theory is being played out in my life, and I feel like I'm going to explode unless I change something here.

This is part confessional, part confused, frustrated query:

What do you guys make of this story? Why do I resent my girlfriend so hard? How can I preserve the relationship? Are we beyond saving?

Fuck. You guys can lay it down hard on me if you want. Try not to be abusive, as this is my first ever post on trp. Thanks for reading.

TL;DR: Girlfriend wants to lock me down with kid(s), I want to be child free for now, build/maintain ltr game, or just throw in the towel out of frustration. How can I act with some masculine grace here? Or is my relationship screwed?