I have been both red-pill and blue-pull throughout my life. My personal beliefs align more so with Christian values than I had realized prior to the climax of the following summarized biography. I am in a state of mind that is healthier but far less happy than being married. If you have any good wisdom, with regards to the situation, or have experienced a similar situation I would greatly appreciate it. I was raised by a single mother. We were poor, she “tried” her best, then married when she hit the wall, and she proves RP Theory to be absolutely accurate. I was eldest of 4 and then 7 (at age 18). Suffered a lot from blind subconscious issues and no father for most of my life. Semi popular (A-type) in high school but introverted. Then I joined the army upon graduation. After joining the army I went total mommas boy with my mother but went dark side alpha. Drank a lot and fucked women I don’t remember. No real intimacy with any women and nothing longer than a week. Met a girl(Kayla) and fell in love while peaking my alpha type personality at the time. Deployed. Came home. Got married and had children. 5 years into marriage we, in my eyes, were happy and hard working. Career progression going well and three beautiful children. Our oldest was extremely handicapped. Father in law and my step dad both a type but very introverted and stoic. Mother in-law shit test me and bashed on daughter and marriage entire time. At the 5 year mark wife started going berserk. Asked what was going on and was not prepared for confessions. Cheated and justified it (hamster) many times during deployment and hid it. Slept with my best friends wife and included best friend, says it was just the wife and that the husband didn’t touch but participated in other ways. Many times with them. I suspect their is more. When trough a recover program and realized some of my contributions. To alpha sometimes. I was hb 7 and wife was 7/8 when we met, but she is now hb 3/4 and I am still a 7. That along with drinking, army, flirting with women (no cheating though), and handicapped son were all notable factors. Got crazy angry because I knew there was more and she trickle truthed. We’ve separated for a year. On her terms and with mother in laws Help. I have been absolute beta. I have given all I can because it’s just money and bullshit. During the first few months of separation I let her go and started plating women. A month after girl 9 and 4 months into separation our son was put in a home and passed away from sepsis and the failure of his body as a whole(to complicated unless you practice medicine). I was working on career and kind of beta with her because of “broken heart”. I blamed her and although I see God’s mercy and grace and know our marriage could be what’s best, I hate her for all of it. I am in monk mode and have been since my sons passing. She has sent divorce papers and I can’t help but blame her and miss “what could have been” in my mind. Working with men in church that say to hold out for a few years and work on myself. Got a DUI after sons death and may face punitive measures from Army for that but it looks like empathy, grace, and armies failed resources may distinguish that fire. I am at a stand-still and looking for any help I can get.

I realize the failures on my part and know I’m a fucking Romeo. I’m open to the advice been I’ve been trough enough shit and don’t need some reddit loser posting “bullshit put-downs”. I might be beta for my wife and kids but I’d fuck your world up given the chance if you want to be an ass. I need brothers and help, nothing more.