Okay guys, I'm going through a hard time right now. I've been an opiate addict for years now. The drug made me feel confident, invincible, energetic, etc. For years I figured, this is who I am. I would use especially on weekends, mixed with alcohol. For some reason the mix made me so good with women. I've had sex with over 80 women in my life and would pull non stop. It became effortless. My friends would wonder how I was so good with women. I became successful in my job also. Got a good paying job and was "functional" for a while.

Well that all came crashing down and I realized I had a big problem and that I couldn't stop. I'd get a little clean time and try to do what I did on the drugs and it was like learning to walk again. So id relapse. Over and over. I just wanted that confidence and numbing of all feelings.

The pain became too great and I'd end up sick if I didn't have it. I told my work I had a problem and they offered to get me help and let me keep my job.

Fresh out of rehab and I am feeling great. I relapse 3 days after. I was in a wedding. Women would be there. I had my eye on one and the day before (I was sober) I didn't feel "myself" (confident, outgoing, etc) so I used. I ended up with 5 different women in the next week (all while using) Now I am in IOP and trying to get back on track.

I'm 4 days clean but really finding it hard to come to terms that I can never drink/drug again. But I know I can't. The Thought of not being able to go to bars again and "do my thing" makes me so sad. Who wants to go to a bar and flirt with wasted chicks when you're completely sober. But it's so easy when I'm wasted. I'm having a hard time coming to terms with this.

I'm also having a hard time because it literally feels like idk wtf I'm doing now that I'm sober when it comes to women. It pisses me off. I'm so on point high. I have a stack of women wanting to hangout but I never hung out with women sober. Always high. It's like I'm scared shitless now and have no confidence. And it has been a reason I have relapsed so many time.

Then I think. Am I filling a void with all these women? Can I live without going to bars and picking up chicks every weekend? It's like everything I've done for so long and am used to is being taken away from me if I want to stay clean.

I needed a place to vent other than meetings where people have no idea about women like trp does or being the best you can be. Anyone in recovery or have a similar experience or can offer some hope/ advice? Or tells me where my focuses should be?