I'll try to keep this short and not ramble on, but I'm finding it difficult to put into words.

I've been stuck in this same loop for so long. Sometimes it's a couple weeks and sometimes a matter of days.

After a breakdown I drag myself out of self loathing and pity by creating an ego, I think this is what everyone does. I'll attach my self to being a hard worker or a jacked shredded guy. However, I can't commit to anything now because I know it's all bullshit - an overcompensation. I can't work the hours I used to, to fulfill some mental image, nor can I deny myself the momentary mouth pleasure of a binge. I've overthought everything in my life to an excruciating level.

I doubt my every thought.

I try to take life less seriously and enjoy myself, spend time with my gf eating out and going to bars. but eventually I'll hate that I'm spending all my money and energy that I could be focusing elsewhere.

Without creating this image I can't get anything done and I'm left paralyzed by apathy.

I'm all or nothing.

If anyone has any advice or a book in particular that relates to this, I'd be grateful.