I am bad at recognizing my emotions. That's why I'm giving this long context, so maybe you can figure out what I need or what I should do.

Context

  • If I didn't make connection with a girl and if I didn't make effort for her in some way (seducing, impressing), I don't want to fuck her. My dick often doesn't get hard in that case.

  • I'm not desperate for sex but I'm desperate for connection. I can fuck hb8/9 every day (escorts). Yesterday I did. I didn't even want to get hard. I just don't really want them.

  • By desperate for connection, I mean I don't have anyone in my life I connect with. And this has been the case for a long time. I'm not looking for a soul mate type of weirdness. No matter who I date, they are never gonna know most of what's inside my head or my plans. But still I just want some feeling of connection.

  • On the other hand (maybe as opposed to the desperation?), I'm not easily untrusting and difficult. E.g they try to learn something about me but I don't give them what they want sometimes. They try and try and eventually get frustrated.

Questions:

  1. I want a girl I kinda like and connect with. How do I find her considering the context? Like, what should I do?

  2. Hunger for sex is obviously unwanted. Hunger for connection is also unwanted?

  3. I have conservative identity. This makes me not trust/like most girls and limits my options a lot. I can't change the world, so how can I become less conservative?