What the hell is going on?

Bison_bonasus · 2014-09-06T00:57:55+00:00

Oneitis is a bitch. You aren't thinking about her as a person. You are thinking about the person your mind made her out to be. You're also still dealing with the anger phase. The anger phase and oneitis are a very bad combination. I have been there.

There are multiple ways of losing oneitis. Fucking others (hard way), drinking (easy and shitty way, but it worked for me for a while) or the other way.

Have fun in your life. Work on yourself. Read, lift and do your cardio. Hang out with friends. Be social. Meet new people. Try new things. The anger and oneitis will fade. You can overcome this.

BluepillProfessor · 2014-09-06T02:33:05+00:00

Anger is the final stage before acceptance. You are angry at her now. One day soon you will be able to look at her and think of her (only rarely) but perhaps even with some fondness. She did not "cheat" on you. She is a slut. Sluts are gonna slut. She introduced you to sex. How cool is that? She won't be the last girl you fuck.

I think oneitis is a particularly virulent manifestation of the male hamster. You idealize this person and reach a point where you can't even imagine life without her. Once he gets on that wheel he just won't let it go. Except YOU MUST JUST LET IT GO.

Seriously. You need to find out why your therapist is not talking about Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy. You should be learning techniques to focus you mind on other things and to STOP thinking about her. Just stop. No more thinking about her. Focus all of your energy on your next conquest.

likechoklit4choklit · 2014-09-06T01:18:52+00:00

First, I recognize your pain. It sounds frustrating. Like you can't control where your own thoughts will go. That frustration sounds like it both makes you angry and makes you sad. I'm sorry it sucks right now.

I am going to use the words "you" and "your" alot, but if they don't apply, just read the message as it applies to a common western dude. I have no desire to insult, only to maybe help and shed light.

Perhaps redpill doesn't have the solution you need as much as buddhism does. You have to eliminate your desire. You still have some element of desire about this girl, or your relationship with her, or who you wish you had been back then, or how you wish your personal story went. Those wishes and hopes are what is causing the pain.

Redpill and most of your guy friends will tell you to dehumanize her and her behavior in order to feel better. Hell, they'll demonize her for you. This sometimes helps, but it still impugns your decision to be with her in the past and it makes you feel small for still having these hang ups.

You have to eliminate hope that any of this is salvageable or satisfying at all. Adulthood/manhood is knowing that some injustice takes place that you cannot change. Adulthood/manhood then requires choosing to just ALLOW some intractable injustice to exist; be it in the past, present, or in a likely future. You cannot fix it, especially not alone, so choose to accept it and be wiser in the future about the existence of injustice, however you define it. Use this wisdom to warn others and protect them the best you can. Some shit has got to slide.

Redpill will tell you to work on yourself, physically. This is awesome advice and it will help you: stress reduction, single mindedness on the present, and greater rewards for future mate attraction. When you are feeling low about this, get yourself to a gym, get yourself outside doing tabatas or burpees. When you are tired afterwards, allow yourself to feel satisfied. It's ok to feel like working out sucks, or that it's stupid, it's not ok to rot into quitter.

Redpill will tell you to go after your goals. This is the potent empowering advice you need. Women and men alike are attracted to people of vision. Do you have a vision of who you want to be? Right now is the time to start pretending to be that person. People will mostly accept the reality that you tell them, so if you want to be a stockbroker or the best damn agricultural manager out there, define your existence around pursuing that goal for your daylight hours. The well rounding things that you like (like music, art, history of warfare, whatever floats your boat) are for times when you aren't being the man of your own dreams. The process of building the road that you are travelling will attract your allies, friends, and eventually, once you work out the kinks, your honeys.

You can totally handle this. If you find that you are not handling this, you need to man up, acknowledge it, and use the tools at your disposal to fix it. Your school probably has free counseling services for like 6-12 sessions. Counseling was invented for when your mind isn't performing how you want it to. Counseling was invented for when your friends cannot or will not connect with you on your real struggles, or you don't want them to. An actualized man (or woman), when he sees a broken pipe, looks for tools. If your emotions are spilling across your performance in school/work, your drug or alcohol use, or your relationship happiness with friends, lovers or family, you go find your tools, one of which may include a few sessions of therapy. Any motherfucker who judges you for that can fuck the right fuck off; they are poison.

You're not alone in what your experiencing. It sounds all perfectly normal, and believe it or not; rational. Since the advent of radio/TV plus a basic standard of living, men and women have been engulfed in a society that feeds them narrative structures for how the world works. Then these outlines for how life is supposed to work become internalized. Then you experience the real world as an adult, and it doesn't operate like the narratives. No amount of wishing or hoping the narratives are true will make them true. In your case, you were taught about relationships, how to be a good man in one, how the world should act around it, and how you would feel and cope with the breakup. All those story lines have done is make you hurt now, as you wish that your story would have just behaved as you did everything right. You cannot live your life by buying into axioms. Sometimes honesty is not the best policy. Sometimes, the underdog fucking dies in the street and no-one cares. Now your emotions and thoughts won't behave like the normal break up stories about good men and it hurts. This is a rational response. 2+2 is not adding up to 4 like you've been told it will, and it is frustrating as all hell.

You weren't told that the social equation is more like

2 (+/- .5)

+2 (+/-.75)

is likely to add up to a range between 3.25 and 5.25,

and that the person designing the equation put it together before the invention of the steam engine, marriage by choice, concepts of racial equality, 99% effective contraceptives, and germ theory.

dave_is_not_here · 2014-09-06T11:34:53+00:00

It really fucks your head up when you go oneitis about your first hole.

basically fucked my beta brain up to the point I was diagnosed with severe depression and ended up thinking about killing myself.

She didn't do this to you, you did. She helped; she opened the door, but you, sir, walked through. You, and you alone, are responsible for and capable of controlling your emotions. When somebody says or does something and you, in response, feel a certain emotion this emotion is based on your beliefs about the stimulus.

Why am I always thinking about her?

Because you have oneitis and poor mental hygiene. You do not control your thoughts, your thoughts control you. Logic can defeat this. Study Stoicism and Albert Ellis' REBT.

Why do I feel so heartbroken?

Because of he beliefs you have built up around her and your thoughts of her and the negative emotions associated with those beliefs. At this point you've thought about her so much she's attained absolutely mythical status in your mind and you hold on to positive beliefs about her despite a capacity to recognize their irrationality. Abundance mentality is an excellent band-aid for this (because there's always another chick around) but I've found Stoicism and good mental hygiene essential in truly conquering it.

Why does a part of me want her back?

Again, you're still believing something positive about her. Despite recognizing that she's a vile cunt on a surface level you've yet to truly believe this and you retain positive beliefs, despite their irrationality. The dissonance of this is probably what brought you here. I'm sorry but it really is as easy as stopping. When you begin to fantasize about her again stop yourself and, instead, begin to logically consider why she, in fact, blows. Truly and deeply introspect while imposing a ruthless logic to your thought.

This bitch blows. She's an absolutely vile person and treated me horribly. I felt awful the vast majority of the time I spent with her; why on Earth would I continue to let this twisted projection of her continue to rattle around my psyche?

Talk to your shrink about REBT/CBT. Be forewarned, however, that most practicing psychologists choose a Freudian analysis approach not because it is best for their clients but because REBT/CBT approaches call for only short, transient doctor-patient relationships with patients rarely continuing therapy beyond the few months it takes to impart the tools of the approach. In short I'd research the subject thoroughly and make a decision on your own, most Freudians seem to have a real blind spot when it comes to REBT/CBTs immense superiority because it really lacks the job security that comes with Freudian practice. Freudians discuss a problem's root cause ceaselessly for decades in the hope that it will solve itself, CBT practitioners identify the problem, pay little or no mind to it's origin and immediately dive into supplying the patient with the powerful logical tools they can use to solve it and all of life's challenges.

tl;dr: You have poor mental hygiene. Study Stoicism and Ellis' REBT in addition to speaking to your shrink regarding CBT (see caveat above).

deville05 · 2014-09-06T01:30:29+00:00

I think you want to punish her and hurt her and have some sort of revenge so that she feels that pain. you also want to punish her with sex. you are angry and disappointed with her but more than that you are angry and disappointed with yourself for being a chump. Make no mistake. you not seeing her for who she is is your fault, not hers. A part of you wants her back because that part of you clings to the idea of what she is in your head and not what she really was. you cling to the good aspects that you saw in her which may or may not have existed in reality. give it time. this takes time. but you will get over it.

http://youtu.be/gXvRr9M6O0c

Poznanbrownboy · 2014-09-06T03:37:07+00:00

Best advice I can give you is that let the experience humble you. Accept it. Let all those emotions(- or +) flow through you. You're emotions only exist in the moment. They might last a couple of hours to weeks, but they will fade eventually. Don't get sidetracked from your goals, be focused, and let them pass. Let them humble you. Use them as fuel for your goals.

SkorchZang · 2014-09-06T19:33:02+00:00

You are sick and the disease is called oneitis.

She's occupying the role of Mother in your inner world and is rejecting you (for someone better, fuck that hurts even more). When you were a small child, to be rejected by Mother meant certain death. It was deadly fucking serious, if she did not love you, you were gonna be sabretooth tiger food.

Oneitis is like phantom limb syndrome some soldiers and amputees get, their leg isn't there, it's been cut off long ago by a surgeon to save their life... but they still occasionally feel pain in their missing leg.

The reason she got through so deep to you and became your "Mother", is pretty simple dude. Not enough girl experience. So don't kick yourself much for that, aim for getting more experience ASAP, with completely different girls. Watch out for that diseased "Mother" dynamic, you can and must prevent it, you have to be a man - her strict but fair Daddy who she can't get enough of. The rock, the one person she runs to and jumps into his lap when she's sad and confused... Nothing gets to Daddy, ever. He always makes her giggle and turns out everything wasn't near as bad as she thought.

Enjoy the heartbreak, heartbreak is like bad weather, after it's gone it makes your soul more mellow and sweet, and refreshes it for new adventure.

Title	What the hell is going on?
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	3
Comments	14
Date	September 5, 2014 11:47 PM UTC (11 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askTRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/2flgxj/what_the_hell_is_going_on/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askTRP/what-the-hell-is-going-on.141919 https://theredarchive.com/post/141919

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