Since I was around 10 y/o I have struggeled with regular episodes of suicidal thoughts and attempts, cronic depression and some lighter version of bipolar and severe anxiety and nervousness.

This means for me that I have high life weeks and months, that can get a bit manic, and then after hitting the peak, I crash down and just want to kill myself. Then I am suicidal and depressed for weeks or months until i get an episode of neutral feelings. Then it all starts over. This happens 4-8 times a year. It is always in the cycle.

This means that many decision i take involves choice A, B or kill myself. I do not even have to be suicidal at the moment.

This makes life really hard. I just feel depressed, cannot eat and want to kill myself. I just bought a dream car. And even though I love it, it does not change anything in the moment of wanting to die and being depressed. Someone could gove me 100 milion usd and it would not change my mind. Would still be depressed and have suicidal thoughts. It is very strange.

I been born and raised by a single mother. Have poor experience with women. I look good, have muscles but i am really short. It sucks hard.

I will soon move out to a little town for work and my social life will be limited. Especially the ability to meet girls. I am doing it for the awesome job but I have anxiety about not be able to meet girls. I am dating a chick now, and i am feeling bad about how it will go down because of me moving. (Not oneitis).

I feel pretty nihilistisk about life, both about todays women and my country.

The women i am dating is really down to Earth and not a dumb ass. Which is nice. But she rarely put on make Up, or similar, do not want to have kids, is a vegan etc. But the best Ive meet so far.

When i am seening a chick that really makes herself look nice, she is always a dumb ass, and often a vegan too. I have never met a chick who is a 7 or above, who is NOT dumb, eat meat and makes herself look nice and wants children and is not a feminist. Everyone is a feminist here.

It feels likes i will never find a chick that could be the mother of my children in the future.

I live in western socialist state. It look okay on the outside. But the entire country is eating itself from the inside. Everything is highly taxed. Around 70-80% of all my money goes to the government through some kind of tax. The future does not shine bright. We only have pro socialist partiets. It cost 100 usd to fill up my car. And 66% is tax.

Housing is really bad here. There is a shortage and they are expensive as hell and the bank wont let you borrow money. Almost all my friends in the age of 20-26 lives at home or their parents bought an apartment for them. I had to quit my last job because i payed 1100 for a garage to live in. I got insane could not do it anymore. It was 15 degrees C in April inside...

I bough some bitcoin in 2016 and have hold them since, and bought many more. I hope them will same my ass. Like move to us or new Zeeland maybe. I But if not, it feels completely hopeless.

Regardless, i suppose I will always have depression and suicidal thoughts. I have never seeked help for it, of i do i will lose my career.

I just do not see any point of living life, where is the Joy? Please help me!