TL;DR I beta tested my abilities after brainwashing with RSD material, and made many of observations.

I have not had a hangover like this in months. Two friends invited me out, I almost say fuck it because I'm tired, the weather sucks, but in the end I feel these are all emotional responses and I need to get my ass out of the house. I've been listening/watching RSD material for the last week or two. Majority of which is presented by Owen Cook aka Tyler Durden. But the most recent presentations I watched were from Tim, Ozzie, and Jeffy. So I had things in my head like "My game is a 10" "I don't give a damn what anybody thinks of me" "Close, run the train".

I should note that the two girls that asked me out are high school friends. One is my ex girlfriend from high school. They both have boyfriends, and we don't see eachother maybe more then a couple times a year, so I honestly wonder why they want me to come out. I tell myself it's because I'm an awesome friends, and a great personality. I can't feel it though.

First bar we get to, all I know is there is a mechanical bull, and I need to meet back up with my friends after they followed me to get there. (Seperate parking wherever you can find it in the city.) I'm feeling confident, I know the area from working, Although it was stupid because it alters state I took a xanax to chill out the anxiety (I had been up since 3am the morning before and really all day had coffee and some chinese food to run all day, so I didn't want sleep anxiety to get involved.) First chick I see, I strike up conversation with her. Talk about how much glasses are bitch when they fog up, the beer selection, find out she's the "hostess" for the bar, but she doesn't seem to worried about welcoming everybody else in behind me. She's a young girl in the local college from Queens. Young, she's 20, I'm 26, perhaps I'm exaggerating young in comparison. We talk about college, the city, beer's, breweries, pot, shrooms, party stories. Really nice girl. I suppose I didn't attempt to close or get her number because.. well who cares why, they're just excuses. and I regret not asking her for it, but at the same time, do I want to get the number of a girl not old enough to drink? I don't know, this world is new to me. I get directions up to the mechanical bull. As I go anywhere, I maintain the mile long stare, and body language that says "I'm going this way, get the fuck out of my way" Eventually I find a wall to hug near the mechanical bull to get a good look for my friends. They eventually come round the corner, and friend 2 I had told I was flaking, is happy and surprised that I did come out. I maintain close body positioning, and try and maintain physical connections with a hug, or handshake, brush of the shoulder, what have you in conversation. Not really thinking about it, just doing it. We proceed to sign up for the mechanical bull. I figure I've never done it, and the act of doing something nuts might help my state out. It does, my hands are bruised and red from yanking on the rope. At one point I go to get a beer, everybody is doing $5 pabst beer + jager shot special, the hipster special is advertised. I gripe, and get a miller high life, because it's all I see available that I might like. On the way back to friends, I try and strike up conversation with 3 girls. One can't stop staring at her phone, has a great beer selection, the other 2 don't stop smiling giggling, as I tease that they've got budlights, and need to stop standing around and have fun. However for some reason I tell them they should walk around the opposite direction I was going, and find fun, and if they didn't find me at the bull... Immediately I regret and wonder wtf did I just do. Hang on, break. If someone reads this, my thoughts on this now. 3 girls, 1 texting, I'm thinking in retrospect, I should immediately started with kino, and either gotten them to the bull or to dance. However I don't think my mind is set on handling conversation with two(three) girls at once. I found that I really was looking for that girl who is kinda hanging out lonely and I'd talk to her.. that comes later. </break> So I end up hanging out with my ex girlfriend and her boyfriend. I begin to think I should cut my losses and go home for the night, and catch up on sleep. But instead I follow them to another pub near their apartment, offered couch rights by both friends who live in that city. We go. The rest of the night really I just end up spending doing shots, and partying with my ex. I do try striking up conversation with this gorgeous blonde with some attitude on her face. I lie about a bet my friends and I have about a guy we saw hitting on her before, she subtly tells me to fuck off with the phrase "I'm here with my boyfriend." It doesn't take an expert to read the body language and tone of voice to know she's not interested. I call her out for being "subtle" sarcastically and tell her to enjoy her night. She continues to stand around side to side with her boyfriend. Another time, I'll have the energy to livin things up for her, or maybe even them if I fail like doing charity work for a relationship. I wander to the back to a game of shuffel board, and try and strike up conversation with a girl as to what game it is, and how do you play. I tease that I guess some people feel like a senior citizen when they drink and need an old game. I get ignored. Back to friend I'm with, She keeps leading me everywhere. I can't help it because I don't know these venues and places. I make notes to learn from her so I can lead in the future. At one point she leads me to the dance floor. I try and pull her in, honestly playfully, but it doesn't work, I continue to just enjoy the music and just try dancing. Her smiles and laughter bring up a small amount of panic like I might be an idiot, but tequila shots tell that fucker to get the fuck out. I'm a 10, I don't give a damn what anybody thinks of me. I remember there was another girl on the dance floor, who my friend pointed to, and I think I should've moved attention to that girl, but didn't, I was frozen like a deer in headlights in my mind, and not sure what to do. So eventually we get pizza, and break off from them as they go home, I walk around to sober up. I test my balance and call a friend up to have a quick conversation to test memory, cognition, conversation, and feel good to drive home. I come home, collapse and sleep till noon. Its 4am. I haven't done this since college.

So far what I gathered to correct. I need to find state. My friend asked me more then once if I was okay. I thought I was okay, but my body language and face I guess didn't show this. Also, I still feel like I'm "trying".. trying to hard. I don't feel like myself when I'm talking to people. And I mean I can talk to dudes and girls out side, there are random approaches I made just to say hi that I didn't list. Comment here or there, "I like your hair, you got that Rogue from x-men thing look for you." Actually she was a musician, and I couldn't carry the conversation farther. I couldn't tell if she was with her boyfriend or not, and that's another PITA. I'm gonna start making a point to ask if the dude next to them is a brother or a boyfriend. I don't know, and I won't know till I find out. But yeah, ultimately, I just feel like this different person when I talk to people. It's not the same as when I talk with a good friend. Actually had a good conversation with a friend last night before going out, and it feels more connected, in sync, but with the two friends that invited me out that I haven't seen in awhile, it's still semi-synch'ed and there, and then when I get in conversations with other people, when it's guys, I can pretty much bullshit with any guy on a topic. Girls, I don't know wtf girls want to talk about. Maybe that's just it. It doesn't matter what you talk about. Which means I need keep doing this to figure out my body language, and communicating non verbally.

Anyways, that's my first time out in awhile with more direction to meet people. I think I need to go with more friends, and create our own party, so I can gain state from that and introduce outsiders in.

That and I realize I need to shutdown the last little feelings I have about my friend who I dated in high school. It's kinda hard not to flirt with her though.