I walked into the dive bar/restaurant that is literally across the street from my place, and took the only barstool in sight. I sat next to an investment adviser and his wife, had a drink and struck up a conversation, in order to get into state. I guess I got there, because Mr. Financial Planner ended up telling me a sob story about a failed business opportunity and then proceeded to buy me another drink. Cool.

Sufficiently lubricated, I ended up making my way to the outdoor patio in the back, where I came across a mixed 6set. 2F/4M. The HB was sitting on the edge of a bench, staring off into space. They were smoking and I saw fit to leave my tobacco at home, but temptation struck. I sat at the adjoining bench and opened the UG diagonal to me. She was raptly watching one of the televisions, so I looked over and saw she was watching clips of hockey. I joked with her about hockey and sports, and ended up commenting on her Disney-themed lanyard. UG is laughing, I have the right vibe, etc.

This is where things start going south. I wanted to get in with HBRedhead on the same side of the bench, a few seats over. So I asked UG how everyone knew each other. We do introductions. They all worked for a local Shakespearean theater company. Cool. I asked if they acted or were doing management, etc. One of the dudes on my side bailed, and I bummed a cigarette, moving in closer. They asked me what I do for a living. The problem is that I have an extraordinarily odd job. I sell Blendtec blenders, the kind that grind up an iphone. One of the dudes in the group (the one sitting closest to me) recognizes the name and goes "that's awesome." HBRedhead is now beginning to get engaged. She asks me to sell her a blender... cool. We have interest.

me: Do you like to cook? her: no, not really me: Great, because the blender can make hot soup in 90 seconds. (internal monologue: WTF WTF WTF WHY ARE WE TALKING ABOUT THIS?!!?! OH, IT'S BECAUSE I BROUGHT IT UP.)

The dude next to me is really stoked on the fact that the blender I sell is the one that grinds up an iPhone, so at least I get a little AMOG (more like BMOG) or social proof action. HBRedhead loses interest, because I stopped being interesting. She is stunning, with shoulder-length red hair, wearing a tight cardigan sweater and cotton tights. Damn. I want this. I need this. One of the other dudes in the group announces that after his drink/cigarette are done, they are all going to leave the venue. Shit shit shit shit, I have like 3 minutes.

TIME TO NEG + KINO. We are both smoking cigarettes at this point, she stretches her hand out to tap some ash off, I spot her white nail laquer and ask why she used White-Out as nail polish. She giggles, her friends tease her a bit. "I guess it's nice, though. at least you put on a topcoat." The drinks are done. Everyone gets up. They tell me that it was nice to meet me... and then they all leave.

Game over.

Feel free to critique/praise my performance, but I have a few key questions I'd like resolved.

how could/should I have #closed her? (hey, I never got to sell you that blender. let me get your number). I guess my biggest problem was that I didn't even really make the attempt.

how the fu** do I turn my goofy job of making ice cream, juice and soup for people in Costco into something sexy?