I love one-on-one conversations. Regardless of gender. They build strong meaningful relationships through potentially deep conversations. And I feel like I can share myself judgefree when it's with someone close.

I find it pretty easy to hang out in a group of three (incl. myself). Because the center of attention is generally distributed between the three of us. Everyone has a turn in talking, everyone is either listening/talking regarding the same conversation topic. Nobody's left out.

When this number gets bigger, let's say four people, the group dynamic changes. People naturally would split into pairs and discuss common interests/topics. There's opportunity for group discussion as well, but generally it becomes a bit divided.

As the group gets bigger, let's say eight or ten people, then it definitely starts getting cliquey. There would be three to four conversation topics going at once, and as a person who is easily distracted, this is really difficult to manage. I'd find myself forgetting names, or repeating the same conversation topics because I completely forgot that I already asked these questions. This is a nightmare and I've tried to actively solve this, but I get too easily distracted. Because of this, I much rather sit in the corner not talking, alone and by myself. But this doesn't make me comfortable either: I know I came out to socialize, I came out to make friends and have a good time, and most importantly, I didn't come out to be sitting by myself, in my head, and being seen as the "lonely, socially-inept weirdo". But that's just who I am.

And that's just what I noticed. I know I could be awesome one-on-one (I have really close friends whose relationship I treasure because of our "deep" meaningful conversations). I know I'm decent with one-to-two, with a good control over the conversation. I'm a bit poor with groups of four. And I'm horrible beyond. This especially applies when people from the group start talking about topics I either have no interest in or don't know anything about. They'd start to naturally form their own cliques, leaving me alone and unsure WTF to do, where to fit in... Because at this point, and most importantly, I can't even captivate the attention ONE person to have a conversation with me.

And I want to fix this.

To give some insight (although it may be skewed from my own perceptions), a general social outing would go something like this. I start off strong, upbeat, try to give off a friendly, take-it-easy vibe. This vibe pretty much instantly dies down the moment I initiate small talk, because I HATE having to "fight" for the attention of someone to have a conversation with me, especially in such a large group. This feeling stems from the fear of being seen alone. Nobody wants to be the awkward guy sitting in the corner pretending to be on his phone or something. I need a strong starter and conversation "checkpoints" to continue this positive vibe throughout the entire night.