Honestly, I'm not even sure where I'm going with this, I just want someone to know who I am, and hopefully give some insight.

About me: I'm Black and Columbian, 6'3, slightly athletic, naturally extroverted and confident in myself. I'm also awkward as shit, weird, and a consistent overthinker.

looking back, all of my past experiences has been because I'm attractive not because I'm able to be successful as a person, or really truly confident, or happy with myself and attract women who want to be with me cause I have a fun life. Ive recently come to realize that I'm very insecure.

So, growing up, I never really had any self esteem. My mother and father are very narcissistic, and my mother was very overbearing. It took my father asking me what I like about myself, and my inability to write anything down to realize I had a problem. I also had moved  around a lot as a kid, cause my dad was a Marine. So, I honestly never really had a solid father figure until I was 16 to show me how to be a man, and I never really got to get decent with being social. I never really had friends, the ones I did make, I moved away every three years. I turned into the annoying kid growing up, always trying to prove myself to other, or try too hard to be cool. I never really knew how to fit in, I started pretty much emulating other people. I still do that now, and feel like sometimes I dont even act how I want to act. The weird kids took me in which only cemented my awkwardness and shitty personality. I didnt even fit in with the black kids, which also fucks with me a bit, cause I never really got to hang out with a lot of black people, cause of the consistent moving, so they thought I acted too "white". Now that shit doesnt really affect me now, I disagree with that whole ass ideology, just it furthered my insecurities back then. Matter of fact my first girlfriend was the slutttiest one out of those weird kids, and she had a lot of problems. Cut herself, got me to cut myself a few times,  drank, slept around with anyone who got her drunk, was vindictive and two faced, manipulative.  I wasnt even trying to have her as a gf, I was just trying to sleep with her, and even though I knew she was easy to get with, my pathetic ass, sexted her without telling her who I was. She eventually figured it out, said it was hot. Still didnt get the hint that she was down lmao. I remember asking her out cause i was simply too scared to just kiss her. Well, as you can guess, shit didnt work out, I was a decent enough boyfriend, but she was a mess, and I got arrested cause of some shit she did, and she ran my name through the mud. Well after her, I decided to work on myself cause I didnt like who I had become. I had gradually stopped being the annoying kid, watched what I said, and I'd rather stay quiet laugh and shrug than try to be in a conversation I couldn't relate too. I was no longer the annoying kid, but more of the weird awkward black guy. I had more or less stopped caring about what people thought about me, if I didn't know them. I remember someone was like," you brought a.blanket to class? Why?" I hit them with "cause I wanted too man idk". I still had no self esteem, nothing to really relate to people, could barely hold a conversation, would lie or rather "enhance the truth" to tell stories to put me in a good light to come off cool. I was that "wheres my hug guy?" Always afraid to overstep boundries with women. Still am ngl. AThat's how fucked up hooking up with a girl. We had hooked up already, but she never gave me a straight answer of if we were hooking up and I pressed her for an answer. Doesnt nake fucking sense right? Ay 4 days ago it made sense to me lmao, now I'm just like what the fuck was I thinking. This chick was an old friend of mine, from highschool. We were purely friends until I my buddy showed me a tweet she had ssid thatbread "I think I'm in love with my best friend" I remember asking her about it and next thing you know she has her tongue in my mouth. You getting the picture of who I am? Unsure of myself, fake confidence, anxious, constantly overthinking,  guy who tries to impress other and ends up looking like hes trying too hard. 

Well. After i got arrested my mom kicked me out and sent me to my dads. They divorced like a year prior. That's when I feel like I started becoming attractive. I coasted through highschool without really working on myself anymore. I matured a bit, started gaining some self worth, some, started talking to women more. forcing myself to actually women that I like out, or at least try to talk to them. I honestly didnt accomplish much through highschool. Could have conversation with women and fun to be around, could never really initiate with them, a cute girl named Lauren liked me  instead of initiating, I asked her of she liked me through text. She said yeah. We hung out at my place a week after that, sat on the wall  for a bit, whole time, she wanted me to kiss her, but I was too nervous, insecure, and unconfident enough to do so. She eventually stopped liking me, I missed my chance. Didnt really grab anyone after that cause any girl that liked me I didnt even flirt with them. I froze up, completely ignored any advances, or didnt go after them. My highschool prom experience I honestly didnt have any real friends to go with so I went by myself. Talked with whoever I could. Was at least confident enough to dance on like 3 girls, but no F-close lol. Went to a party afterward, but shit was mostly guys so I left. After highschool, started working. Still no approaching anyone for a long time, until I started flirting with my manager at Chick Fil A. She was a tease. Tried to escalate, nothing came of it. Just some suggestive snaps but she would always shoot me down. Another manager got jealous, confronted her, we stopped talking.  Man fuck both of them. Started talking to a another chick at chick fil a. Started mostly off as jokes. I knew she was open to FWB, not with me specifically just that she did that. Stupid jokes like "you like chocolate" and let me practice massaging you and shit. She had constant back pain. Scoliosis. we got along well. She gave me a ride home, was bitchinf about how the guy she was fucking wwsnt really putting in any effort. I said some shit, like yeah that's depressing, I hate that shit.  Asked if she wanted to mess around lol. She ssid she wouldnt mind and we started making out in her car. Turned into a girlfriend of 2 years. Well she had to love away for familial reasons and I didnt want to come with.  Hooked up with a different coworker, this time we were chilling and I was like look. You invited me to.smoke, but this shits boring and I feel like you wanna do something more. I cant remember what she said but she pretty much said she was just enjoying smoking, and some bullshit like that. I was like so you dont want to hook up and she didnt respond, so I just started kissing her and she was hesitant and started kissing me back. We hooked up a couple more times after that, and I can call her whenever I want to fuck, but shes like a 6 and I want to go further. 

Well I decided to reconnect with that old friend. We started hanging out. First night we hung out we were drinking, me her, and my friend. He went to his car, and I asked her you want to be more than friends? Like something casual. She hit me with if it happens naturally.  I was like tf is naturally, and she was like a sleepover. Shes  not one to be straightfoward like I'm used to. Actually before her that's all i ever knew. Well, i ended up asking her again, the next day, and she pretty much no promises. It's a maybe. If it happens it happens. 

Guess what my dumbass asked her again while dropping her off a week later if she was open to the idea of hooking up with me. I guess it wasnt clear to me, but bless her patient ass,  she was like look, you never hung out with me one on one. We started making out and we ended up fucking. After that, I tried initiating again a few days later by playing with her thigh during a car ride, and she shot me down, and my dumbass was like I cant read you, I dont know what you want to do. Which now is only hitting me on how fucking stupid I am. This was less than a week ago. I kept pressing the answer and she was like let's just be friends. Funny on how everything is so clear now after everything is said and done. Now ahit is awkward between us lmao. Shes afraid to even touch me and shit, cause she thinks I'm catching feels and acting desperate which was true ngl. Now I'm sitting in my car typing this out cause I dont know where I'm at with myself and how to proceed. Honestly any thoughts would be cool. I even have recordings from my dashcam of the whole, I cant read you, let's just be friends shit, if y'all want to cringe.