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Looking for some advice

basstardfish

February 25, 2016

2 upvotes

/r/seduction

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Post Information

Title	Looking for some advice
Author	basstardfish
Upvotes	2
Comments	6
Date	February 25, 2016 6:22 PM UTC (10 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/47kf3i/looking_for_some_advice/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/looking-for-some-advice.1403095 https://theredarchive.com/post/1403095

Comments

[–]Murfdigidy 0 points1 point2 points 10 years ago (5 children) | Copy Link

Lots and lots of stuff here. First off play the work card carefully, envision down the road if this relationship didn't work out just how awkward having an ex in the work place would be. Are you forced to see her all the time, work with her, if that's the case then BEWARE of the downfalls.

With that said alot of people date at work it's only natural, I mean we spend a 3rd of our lives there so I never got why people said no way should you ever date anyone at work. But again make sure you do a list if positives and negatives of pursuing her at the work place, Def don't want to get fired over it.

Anyway you need to flirt with her, which it sounds like youre doing but based on your comment You made about being afraid to since anything more than hello can be used against you as sexual harassment. Listen, flirting done the right way can never be taken and used against you because done right it gives the girl mixed signals, does he like me does he like me not. Flirting is under the radar but also, if done correctly gets the girl questioning you in all the right ways. Alot of techniques you can find here, but Def flirt, banter with her, make fun of her in a joking way, call her a dork and say things like how does your boss even deal with you. All this is fun for her, it's funny and shows you are a light hearted fun guy.

Anyway, the way to ask her out is doing so gentley. Meaning do it in a way where if she's says no can be a minimal hit to your rejection. Say hey I'm going to this place Friday night I love (insert cool thing to do) was wondering if you wanted to join me. Now this is great because it throws in so many good scenarios for you. The worst that can happen is she says no, but she cant say you were asking her out BECAUSE you were already going!!! You asked her in a way that you gave the impression that you were going there anyway with or without her (even if you had no intention to do so). Another good scenario is if she's legit busy that weekend and really can't go, AGAIN, her mind will be racing that day or even that week, did this guy ask me out or didn't he, does he like me or doesn't he? All this is great cause what is she doing that entire time she's questioning... She's thinking about you!

Now if she says yes then boom shes Def interested but I'd also bring up the fact that you don't want to make things awkward at work blah blah, that you respect her if she's not cool with it... But like I said only bring that up if she says yes, don't bring it up otherwise since I already showed you how to handle if she says no.

[–]basstardfish[S] 0 points1 point2 points 10 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link

[–]Murfdigidy 0 points1 point2 points 10 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link

[–]basstardfish[S] 0 points1 point2 points 10 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link

So I'm pretty sure I'm at the point of no return with this one. I've asked her twice since posting this to accompany me to something (both times on very short notice), and both times she has had something else to do. Obviously she isn't head over heels for me or she would've made it work, but I do believe she did genuinely have other obligations both times, so I'm not necessarily ready to take it as a lack of interest.

At this point I'm spending too much time thinking about it and need to cut myself off. My intention is to tell her directly that I want to date her rather than hope for a third time that she isn't busy. I know this isn't exactly the most 'slick' thing to do, but unfortunately I'm still not very good at reading signals one way or the other, and as such I'm having a really hard time in situations like this without confronting them directly.

Am I off base here? This is the conclusion that I have come to after making my best effort to pull back and reframe.

[–]basstardfish[S] 0 points1 point2 points 10 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

So this story had reached its end and I'm pulling away. I pulled her aside after work today and told her straight up that I want to take her on a date. I got rejected but I have a few takeaways from this.

First: I MOVE TOO FUCKING SLOW. She turned me down because she's already dating someone else and wants to see if it goes anywhere. I was honestly not sure if I had waited long enough to ask her out after she ended her previous relationship, but clearly I waited too long. This has consistently been a problem for me since I started dating again. I have failed to escalate quickly enough with every girl I have dated so far, and now I lost my chance (in the immediate future at least) with this one. Fortunately, my other takeaways are much less disheartening.

Second: While I am pulling away so as to avoid oneitis, I cannot ignore the fact that she basically told me that it was a sure thing if she stops seeing the guy she's seeing now. I'm not naive enough to discount the very real possibility that she was just letting me down easy, but I still take pride in the idea that an HB9 (easily the most attractive girl I've tried to date so far) would honestly consider me. It speaks a lot for how far I've come since my divorce. Anyway the important thing is that I frame this correctly. Either she will date me eventually or she won't. Either way I have my third takeaway.

Last is getting some practice in the friendzone. Even though I didn't get the result I wanted, I am now free to stop worrying so damn much about what I should do. I can just enjoy being her friend and step back from my interests in her beyond that. The old me would have clung hopelessly to the idea of making her like me, which would of course have the opposite effect. If I am ever to date this girl, then it is crucial that I stop worrying about dating her for now. Probably going to take me a couple of tries to kill my nerves about it completely, but that's why they call it practice.

Anyway thanks again for the feedback, it definitely helped me to clear my head. I'm definitely displeased that it didn't end how I wanted but I am at least happy to have taken something away from it.

[–]Murfdigidy 0 points1 point2 points 10 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

Well good for you, you gave it a shot and it didn't work, so what atleast you tried! Listen I can tell you're gonna learn alot on this sub because youre conscientious, guys that are conscientious are the best learners because you are able to read feeling, or atleast be in touch with them. People who are in touch with themselves first, see the game better. Am I gonna say you still have a lot to learn, of course but you know that. You have the right attitude, you use this as a learning experience. Don't beat yourself up over it, not ever girl is gonna click. Case in point years ago I was pursuing a girl much like you were at work...just a seemingly dream girl, blonde cute as hell and a smoking little body. I was all about it and she even went on a date, I was so excited and the date went awesome or so I thought. Anyway I try to contact her next week, nothing she's busy. She kinda ignores me at work now I'm confused as hell. Ultimately I ask her out again and I confront her, are you interested in me anymore? She said sorry no and then listed a bunch of reasons or excuses. I remember practically crying on the way home from work I was so devastated. I said all the delusional things, what's wrong with me, how come girls seem to not respond to me? I'm nice, tall, good looking, good job and yet girls never gave me the time of day. I thought it was all me. Well it was me, but it wasn't because I was a loser for a person, it was because my approach was ALL WRONG.

I look back at that girl now, sitting where I sit now and I laugh, that girl was NOT for me, she was a 9 gorgeous but she had the personality of a rock. In my state now I would have eaten her up and spit her out. Not that I'm mean to anyone but I'll put girls in their place if I feel like their a little too stuck up for themselves. My point is, at the time I felt like my world collapsed, now I laugh about how naive and delusional I was. Let's just say I've learned a lot since.

Anyways getting back to you, I definitely wouldn't have straight up asked her out. your inclinations are spot on, if you reach out to a girl twice and she has excuses twice she's Def not interested, cause even if she did genuinely have things going on she most certainly would have said, well let's try for another weekend. She would have followed up with some other alternative plan because she, like you, wouldn't want you to disappear.

Is it bad you asked her out, no of course not, it's just unnecessary, you deep down already knew the answer. Attraction isn't a choice it's a feeling, if she really had some feelings for you then you better believe she would have come up with some other alternative plan or suggestion.

The key for you is to get out of the friend zone. I'm not saying you have a chance with this girl, but heck who knows, let's see. The key to getting out of the friendzone is to create attraction, like I said, girls don't choose attraction, it happens, just like your stomach drops when you see this girl in a smoking hot dress, so will her stomach drop if you portray a confident stud man.

Key points, act as if her rejection meant NOTHING to you, that you're so confident that nothing she or anyone else says will impact how awesome and fun I am as a person. Next time you see her act no different, don't avoid her, don't be awkward, be totally indifferent to the fact she didn't go out with you. Then you can start to build that attraction.

Stud males do all or some of the following: 1.banter with girls, joke with them, call them dorks. Tell them they need to step up their game to hang out with you in public. It's fun for you it's fun for them, this is both funny and confident as hell. Women respond. 2. Look for reassurance from NO ONE. Never ask advice from a girl, you give it. You're the man so show her by being the one that delves out advice not her. If you ever ask for advice always do so in a manner that puts you in a better light... Example, hey how do you like my new shirt? She says, oh Yea it's nice, you quickly respond, please you know I make this shirt sexy.
3. Don't be needy, be an alpha male not a beta male. 4. I love back handed compliments, example, wow cute dress, you almost look as cute as me ;-). I love your shirt, it matches my beautiful eyes. Get it, these are so funny. You are still complimenting them but at the same time complimenting yourself even more.

Anyways all is not lost since you work with this girl. It might take time but attraction can be built. Onegirlitus is bad I know, but it's bad because it makes the guy vulnerable. Once you're out if vulnerability stage you can build your rapport back up and show her the sexy stud she's missing out on. HERE'S the key though, act as if she means very little to you as far as being sexy. Act like you're the catch not her and you'll begin to get the keys to seduction. By putting yourself out there like you did you made her the catch, no no no, it's time for her to learn who the real catch is. You know the saying, sometimes you need to let the puppy do what it wants before it comes crawling back. Don't chase her, just be you, be the stud you know you are and over time she may see just how sexy you but by that time you won't care because you'll be dating the lucky girl who saw it first.