I'm not sure if this is the proper /r/ for this but here it goes...

This thread is intended to be a chronicles of self growth in areas of my life that need work - confidence with women, accepting the shit from my past and frame control in general.

I realize it is rather long and may be tl;dr worthy, but its important for me to have this information somewhere other then just in my head.

Why now? After graduating college, I decided to travel the world (semi-permanently) and several deficits in my life have bubbled to the surface.

I always had a hard time talking to strangers and being on the other side of the planet, all alone, I went through periods of pretty intense loneliness but the seriousness of the problem came into view when I picked up a girl or rather (or rather she picked me up) in Thailand.

After meeting two Swiss sisters in Burma, one (lets call her 'G') contacted me on facebook with interest in visiting me in my new 'home-for-a-month' Thai island. I didn't get out much on the island as I was primarily using my time there to train skills and relax but it is now obvious that I'd made a good impression in Burma and she was interested in me.

There was a party one night where we planned to meet.

I'm a bit of an introvert but I've developed the antisocial party crutch of being a professional fire spinner. I came to the party to spin (instead of talking to people or drinking) and to meet up with G.

Spinning got me a lot of attention and I made friends with the other performers at the party. I felt like every girl at the venue wanted me.

Several girls came up to me when I was spinning (my LEDs not fire) and wrapped themselves around my body for photo ops. It felt amazing.

“I can see why you spin fire” G said.

She was jealous.

She spent the night drinking and seducing me. Making out with me, then walking away, waiting for me to come to her again, and making out some more. (anyone know wtf that's about? I felt like a bitch for chasing her but didn't know an alternative)

I inadvertently made her jealous again by talking with the girl fire spinner.

I ended up inviting G back to my house in the jungle.

She spent the ride on the back of my motorbiking rubbing, squeezing and clawing my chest and abs.

Once at my place we proceeded to get in bed and start fooling around but as soon as it was time for me to escalate into nakedness, I froze.

Here I was with a sexy Swiss girl who kept rubbing my body and telling me how sexy I was and I just kept replying with insecure bullshit and freezing.

In the morning she grabbed my hand and guided it to finger her. she felt dehydrated (from drinking) and I didn't feel like sex would be anything but painful for her and stopped. We ended up making out in my hammock some more and then I took her back to her resort.

The next time I saw her, it was awkward. I've had experiences like that before, when a girl wants it, it doesn't happen, and then its just 0 kino and lots of awkwardness.

I didn't see her again after that.

The whole think was like a slap in the face and I couldn't help but think of myself as a bitch.

A few days later I spun for a large crowd. All the girls were screaming 'That is so sexy' and cheering me on. As a few went home for the night they yelled 'We love you!'. When I was done spinning, I went towards my 'fans' and multiple girls had the dumb 'so are you gonna talk to me?' look on their faces. I didn't know what to say.

Three girl even opened me (Two asked for a lighter I didn't have and one asked where I got my poi) but I broke rapport so hard the conversations died after only a few words.

I desperately needed something to change.

I'm now spending two months in a beautiful new home and I've stumbled upon game for the second time in my life. In the last 9 years game has evolved from what it was when I knew it before, into something more congruent with my core values of being a complete person. The best me I can be.

I've started taking steps towards fixing this deficit in my life and have had some recent success.

I know the road will be difficult ahead of me but I'm taking a big step in what is ultimately the path to becoming a better, more complete self.

My Background. The core of my problem lies the deep rooted thought that I don't deserve to be loved which developed at a very young age. I blame this primarily on my older sister (one year older) who ostracized me from her social life (starting around age 7?).

I later (recently) found out that this happened because my sister was jealous that all her friends wanted to hangout with me so she put me down and kept them away.

This is what I hold responsible for my low self worth and self-isolation in high school (didn't think anyone wanted to be around me)/ I hade very few friends (par a computer) and never got invited to anything. (I was on SSRIs most of my teenage life). I spent most of my teenage years angry and depressed.

It was about this time I started reading PUA material – almost 9 years ago now.

When I first started traveling (cruises with the family) I found I could reinvent myself using the information I'd learned. No one knew me. I was 15 and I could be James Bond and the girls flocked. (though I was only 15 and didn't do much more then hand holding at the time).

I reverted back to my former self when I was home and my 'awesome self' was present whenever I was international.

When college came (having previously slept with 1 girl (a LTR)), I adopted a new persona, made friends with another guy with pickup knowledge and hooked up with a girl on the 2nd day of classes.

Though better then in high school my beta blood shine through. On multiple occasions I bitched out when girls had that 'what now?' look upon their face or when girls that 'wanted me to prove I wasn't gay' or when they invited me to sleep over and obviously (wasn't clear to my naive self at the time) wanted to fuck, .

There were dry spells, drama and emotions during my freshman year but I was far better off then before.

My life long shroud of anger and depression ended when I tried LSD for the first time (something I wouldn't try again for another 4 years).

Then shit started to fall apart.

I got arrested. Started heavily drinking. My friends left me. I made a new friend that was helping me through my shit only to wake up and discover his corpse (the same week another friend committed suicide). I started binge drinking more, 5-6 nights a week.

Shit wasn't good but I made another friend who helped me.

These series of events are what ended my ability to easily adapt a new, confident persona.

After that I moved 1,000 miles away (I was suspended from college anyways) for almost a year and just existed. I didn't make many friends or cause any waves. I hooked up with only one girl during that time who just used me for validation. It was terrible.

Came back home, to a new college, to get my degree finished. I mostly spent my time either nesting with a girl or alone, both avoiding most social contact (though freshman in my dorm though I was cool since I was older and got laid more then most of them).

I was fine dating and hooking up with anyone I wasn't physically intimidated by, this had been a problem all my life and still is at the time of me writing this.

I'd had my own business since I got back from moving away and started going to music festivals selling things I made. This is where I started taking psychedelics again which helped develop perspective, my core values and my goals for life.

My senior year I found 'flow' (fire spinning) which probably saved my life. It introduced me in to the most amazing group of friends I could ever ask for, people that really cared about each other (most of them were more sexually adventurous (I had lots of swinger/orgy starting friends) then I was but I only had the courage to interact with any of them in platonic way). Flow is also the basis of what is now the foundation of my inner game.

I went to music festivals every weekend during my last summer of college, developing my independence and working on getting better at fire spinning. Girls opened me because of my arts and talents. I had no problem generating attraction or showing high value but I couldn't escalate at all or show intent. I was still intimidated

The one time I did escalate, I was in the back of my car with a girl whom opened me (saw me practicing poi) by my vending table. She spent the night trying to qualify herself to me 'all the guys think I'm so great', and flirted with me via cellphone in front of my friend. I went caveman and we hooked up but she flaked and didn't hang with me again which was probably due to a breakdown in communication or shame she brought to herself for hooking up with me after only a few hours (afterward she told me she had just started seeing a guy and confessed to him that we 'made out').

At one festival, I was accidentally drugged with 12 hits of LSD which made me think I could hear everyone’s thoughts (I still think I could). I ended up losing my clothes (and my mind) for three days as I was convinced the entire event was some sort of complex scheme to get me to have sex with people in public. (I still don't know what's real from that weekend but I'm sure some people were really trying to have sex with me).

While in that state a lot of problems in relation to my inability to be loved bubbled to the surface.

I finished up school and decided to leave everything behind to travel the world. This coincided with watching my best friend make bad decision after bad decision following someone whom had caught him in a powerful yet toxic frame.

I've been traveling the world ever since.

Another scars I don't really want to fit into my story but it's probably healthier it out somewhere in the world instead of just bottled inside me... I was drugged and raped while in another country.

My Dating History (until I left America) I lost my virginity to my first girlfriend after several months I said I was in love with (and could have been at the time). I was 16.

After that I had severe one-itis with once girl who didn't see me as anything more then a smart loser she could use when she needed to. (we went to prom together but I was friend zoned hard and when shit got tough, she wasn't even a friend for me)

I didn't hookup again until college.

Freshman year was the first time I really tried playing with game but it was mostly older indirect, manipulative game. I had one, one night stand with a girl I didn't really find attractive and sex based relationships with 3 other girls. (The last of which I fell in love with) There was too much pressure to 'save her' from a shitty life, drama and her cheating for that to have worked out well. (plus I have no desire to marry young if at all) I made out with many girls and missed countless opportunities where girls were trying to hookup with me but I was too physically timid.

When I moved away for a year, I hooked up with a girl that just used me for validation and that was my only action par my ex flying to visit me.

Driving the 1,000 miles home, I stopped and stayed with a girl I knew from high school and we tried hooking up but there were awkward circumstances (she wanted me to help her overcome getting raped by raping her... and her cousin came home).

I hooked up with my (at the time engaged) ex once more when she took me on a romantic vacation together.

Starting a different school I found a girl I wanted to hookup (it had been at least a few months) with and let her con me into a relationship. She was attractive but needy. She didn't feel pretty if I didn't fuck her and force me to answer 'So what do you like about me?' bullshit questions nightly. I wasn't happy. She was in love.

Homecoming at my old college, a friend introduced me to a girl for an enjoyable one night stand and I hooked up with that ex again (she cheated on her then black, butch, lesbian lover). This would be the last time I saw her. (though she did try to have me listen to her attempted suicide on the phone after months of not talking or knowing where she was)

Back at my new school I ended up having 3 fuck buddies my junior year (one of which was mostly a relationship ...she is still in love with me), 2 in senior year (including one from junior year) as well as 2 (including one from junior year) after college.

I used a lot of 'pity' or 'guilt' game in my junior year and it was incredibly beta, unsuccessful and detrimental to my inner game.

I had a few one night stands and countless of missed opportunities throughout my life where girls I wanted were actively trying to get with me but I was either oblivious or timid.

I've only be turned down by girls when I literally tell them I like them or show way too much interest. Even though I've never been stopped while physically escalating, I still fear it. Every girl I've dated or 'nested with' for more then a month has fallen in love with me which I attribute to being 'emotionally cold' and having a hard time giving anyone validation or complements. (I'm also naturally manipulative and get people to do things for me ie clean, cook, hand me things from across the room, whatever) I'm confident in my ability to physically please a woman I never spent any time socializing in bars, just fire performing or working, so I never had to open (I did hookup with a few girls who opened me). I generally 'date down' in appearance because attractive women intimidate me. If I'm seeing just one girl, I get bored, become a hermit and fight with her. It's much more healthy to me to have 2-3 options and my own life. (I don't like the cold so I hermit over winter) I attribute this to my personality type. I'm terrified of physical escalation, but once I'm sleeping with a girl, I'm much more comfortable and adventurous. (There have been a few cases where I just go for it and that has never been met with a 'no' (I'm really good at 2 steps forward 1 back if I can get myself to take the steps forward)). So far girls have mostly chosen me and I haven't 'been a man'.

Before leaving on this trip I'd slept with 16 woman (2 exclusive relationships / 6 one night stands).