Apologies, as I posted this in /askseddit already, a friend recommended I posted here instead. If this feels like I'm double dipping feel free to delete.

I was morbidly obese until I was 23.

I cut from 290 to 175 in the past 5 years, and now work out six times a week while keeping an eye on how much I eat. I'm 5'11, white, and don't have any deformities though I do shave my (balding since 20) head. I do have loose skin around my stomach and that does fuck with my confidence fairly intensely but all in all lots of guys have more disadvantages than me. I dress in decent clothes and my hygiene is fine--the basics are all covered.

However, my time as a fat guy destroyed me. I didn't learn how to talk to women and I have a horrific self image. I never liked being in pictures (for obvious reasons) and as such smiling when I'm not laughing is extremely difficult. As such I'm now a 28 year old virgin who only got into game about six months ago, and things haven't been going well.

I've done around 600 approaches and gotten a few dozen numbers and I've been on 8 dates. Total. One of them was a second date. The last was over a month ago. I know in theory I've progressed but it just doesn't feel that way.

I feel as if my daygame skills are backsliding, and my nightgame and ability to sexually escalate are essentially non-existent. I tried to daygame solo last Sunday after a few days off and nearly had a panic attack after a couple of months of being fine on my own. The numbers I've gotten recently flake or I fuck up the texting in some minute way and it just fades away and I never see them. I went out today and didn't get any numbers, despite some "good" interactions. At this point anything short of a number and a date I see as a failure.

A large part of the issue was I lost the weight by hating myself, viciously, throughout the process. I agreed on a non-negotiable ultimatum of "lose your virginity or kill yourself by 30". I realize that sort of ultimatum is more damaging but it was the only one that seemed to work. Now, as I get closer to 30, it has become a lead weight around my neck. But there is some perverse comfort in it, as I can't control if a girl likes me or if I get the career I want, but I can control if I end everything.

I see a therapist and I'm trying to work on cognitive behavioral therapy on my own, but every day feels worse than the one before. I broke down on the walk home from the bar Saturday night.

I don't really know what I'm asking for, reddit, I just am kinda desperate here. I don't know what to do. I know I don't want to die but I also don't want to be alone for another year, let alone longer than that. And that pressure comes through on sets, I imagine.

Basically I don't know anyone who has been at my age and level of inexperience and then gone on to happiness. I can't really envision my life being something worth living having started this late.