Rejection is an unavoidable part of dating whether we like it or not. It doesn't matter how much game you have, how attractive you are, if you're a celebrity, EVERY guy (straight or gay) out there who has stepped into the dating world has faced rejection at some point in his life. Contrary to popular belief, even hot girls face rejection. If a man tells you he's never been rejected, unless he's literally never had a date in his life then he's lying to your face.

Rejection Sucks

Did you know that scientifically speaking that whenever we face rejection, our brains react in the exact same way that we do when we feel physical pain? Even coming from somebody who's faced hundreds of rejections in his life I can tell you that the sting of rejection will never quite go away no matter how accustomed you get to it.

Did you also know that the fear of rejection may in fact be an evolutionary instinct that kept us alive? Back in prehistoric times a person being socially rejected and cast out on their own by their clan meant that you'd probably die alone in the wild. Those of us alive today are all descended from the people who managed to not be outcasts, or the outcasts who were able to find a clan that liked them enough to take them in. Those with a stronger fear of rejection were less likely to behave in such a way that would cause their clan to cast them out, and if that's true then that explains why the fear of rejection is so prevalent.

Fear of rejection is a primal

Even today that same fear isn't necessarily a bad thing. There are many areas of life where total rejection is likely not desirable. For example, you might not want to act in a way that causes you to lose your job, be disowned by your family, shunned by your friends, or worse yet go to jail. And even if one of the above happens it will be far less consequential than it would have been back then: these days it's MUCH easier to get back on your feet after rejection.

The real problem with the fear of rejection these days is that it can be overzealous and prevent us from risking forms of rejection that aren't really harmful at all. If you ask out a pretty girl (or guy) and they say no then when you really think about it life isn't over unless you let it be over.

Getting comfortable with rejection

Now that we've got the semantics out of the way, I'd like to talk about making yourself comfortable with rejection. The best way to get comfortable with rejection is: get rejected more! Think about it like exercise: if you've never done a pushup in your life then doing one pushup with proper form will feel awful, but the more pushups you do (with proper form), the easier they become. The same thing applies when getting rejected: that first rejection will always sting the most, and the next few rejections you face after that won't be so fun either. You'll get to a point that you ask yourself whether you want to stop facing rejection, or you want to keep facing rejection in the hopes of getting a date. Just like you can decide whether you want to stop doing pushups forever, or if you want to make your body stronger.

One thing I'd suggest looking at is 100 Days of Rejection by Jia Jang. For those who don't know he challenges himself to face rejection once a day for 100 days, requesting some downright ridiculous things. You do not have to do what he did, but it's some food for thought.

I promise you that while yes, rejection does suck, it does get much easier to deal with over time.

Where rejection becomes a blessing in disguise

Story time, meet Tom. Tom has a crush on a girl in his university class, Katelyn. Katelyn's a pretty girl who's super friendly, and she actually takes the time of day to talk to Tom so naturally he's smitten by her. Tom would love nothing more than to date Katelyn, but he's so afraid of being rejected by Katelyn that he makes every excuse in the book and invents some to not ask her out on a date. Instead he gets to know her via arranging study sessions, asking her for homework help, sitting next to her in class, and trying to be her "friend" in an effort to get closer to her and wait for the "perfect" moment to ask her out. Eventually after several months, Tom decides the time is right and finally tells Katelyn how he feels. She's a bit confused that her "friend" has all of a sudden caught feelings for her, and with a heavy heart rejects him. Tom then goes home, masturbates, then spends weeks pining over Katelyn, wondering where he went wrong, and constantly playing each "what-if" scenario out in his head.

Now since this was Tom's first time getting rejected it's understandable he might feel this way, but eventually he meets Tanya then all of a sudden he barely remembers what Katelyn looks like. He starts getting to know Tanya, she seems even more "right" for him than Katelyn does, yet his fear of rejection keeps him and he's again back at square one two months later once another guy asks Tanya out and becomes her new boyfriend. Tom repeats this cycle over and over again.

While Tom may not have avoided outright rejection, he could certainly avoided the time wasted and disappointment that followed by simply taking action earlier. If he had learned his lesson from his experience with Katelyn and asked out Tanya right away, he might have a girlfriend by now. Even if Tanya said no, he could have asked out at least a dozen other girls in the two month period he spent beating around the bush.

Rejection isn't always about you

Unless you did something to wrong that person it's practically never about you. In many cases the person rejecting you probably doesn't even think badly of you, they probably think you're an amazing person. Rejection has many reasons: sometimes the other person might have an incompatible orientation, maybe they aren't looking for what you are, maybe they are grieving a recent death, maybe they're about to move to another country, maybe you aren't their type or they just aren't feeling it with you. Most of the time the reason for you being rejected is merely the fact that the other person is unavailable.

Of course I'd be lying if I said there aren't some assholes out there. I've faced rejection from a several women out there who honestly rejected me for the dumbest and most superficial reasons out there: I've faced rejection from women who thought I was too ugly. I've been ghosted without a reason at all. I've had girls (in my younger years) try to embarrass me in front of everybody for trying to ask them out. I've been rejected because I'm mixed race and studied engineering. I've even been gaslit into feeling bad for no good reason just for asking a girl out. Rejection was a blessing in disguise for me here: thankfully I did not have to deal with their BS.

Constant rejection can be a catalyst for improvement

The last point I'll make here is that doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result is the definition of insanity. If you are doing the same things over and over again, yet still getting rejected then truthfully, you need to take an honest look at yourself and ask why. Everybody's different but I'll try to list a few examples on areas to look at:

  • Is something about your method of approach coming off as creepy? Are you coming off too strong? Are you making people uncomfortable?
  • Is there a problem with your attitude towards the opposite sex?
  • Are you seeking love from the wrong people and/or places?
  • Are you setting your expectations for your potential partners too high, while having too low expectations from yourself?
  • Is there some problem with your personality that you need to improve on?
  • The most important question of all: Would you date yourself if you could?

Thanks for reading, feel free to comment and open up discussion. Maybe next I'll write about handling rejection.