~ archived since 2018 ~

R/seduction or desperation

Kn31

March 23, 2019

0 upvotes

/r/seduction

So many posts of desperate dudes who are just hung up on one chick. How do I get her, what to say, what now.

The best advice I can give you if this sounds like you. Change. Unless you're 16 in hs. Women gravitate to HV men. Too many of these posts reek of inexperience and immaturity. Work on yourself. Stop seeing a girl and saying omg I love her she's wife material, all before you even talked let alone slept together.

A bit of harsh reality, women are always fishing, meaning looking for a bigger better guy. Men should be spinning plates, meaning talking to multiple women.

You don't have to be rich, tall or super sexy. Yes those help but it comes down to confidence.

Think of the man you want to be, seriously visualise it. Make a plan and follow it religiously. Yes, it takes incredible discipline and dedication.

Your goal is high value, how will you know you when get there? Womon will start chasing and approaching you.

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Post Information

Title	R/seduction or desperation
Author	Kn31
Upvotes	0
Comments	21
Date	March 23, 2019 2:45 AM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/b4dzks/rseduction_or_desperation/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/rseduction-or-desperation.1464862 https://theredarchive.com/post/1464862

Comments

[–]folasanmi 2 points3 points4 points 7 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–][deleted] 7 years ago (19 children) | Copy Link

[–]Areasonfor26 1 point2 points3 points 7 years ago (5 children) | Copy Link

[–][deleted] 7 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link

[–]Areasonfor26 0 points1 point2 points 7 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link

[–]DarkArtsPUA11 7 years ago [recovered] (1 child) | Copy Link

[–]Areasonfor26 0 points1 point2 points 7 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]cardkid1234 0 points1 point2 points 7 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–][deleted] 7 years ago (12 children) | Copy Link

[–]Moderatorrecyclablebanthas 0 points1 point2 points 7 years ago* (4 children) | Copy Link

Im struggling with this right now lmao, even since the first girl i have been with left me ive had to fight myself not to think about her.

This is pretty typical. The failure of this relationship has shown you that something you were doing in that relationship/interaction, and the ways you were thinking..... weren't working.

Best thing i did was remove her off all social media but i still have this subconscious attachment i just cant fucking get rid of.

Getting space is good, but the fact is, these sorts of extreme measures are only necessary when you have a certain mindset. Plenty of people have healthier ways of framing relationships and break-ups so that they actually remain friends afterwards.

Often, when a relationship falls apart like you're implying and one is compelled to remove them and/or block them from everything, it indicates that one or both people were not really connecting with each other, but rather, with fantasy versions of each other.

Messes like these occur when someone's fantasy view of the other person is shattered. That's when love seems to end abruptly. But it's not real love. It was love between that person and their own fantasy, with the real person intruding on the relationship and shattering the fantasy, and the "love," with it.

--------

Your own attachment is misguided and the other person hasn't earned it. If she left you, she was instantly disproving any notion that it was love worth fussing over.

What you're going though now is an extended mourning period. You can plainly see that reality doesn't match up with what you thought it was (fantasy).

Part of the process here to move on is realizing that this was a fantasy you had going on, not a fully fledged interaction based on reality.

Doesnt help that im in a situation were i cant really pursue any other girls for the next few weeks.

Why not? What is it about your situation that prevents you?

What is it that will change in a few weeks?

.....what does being grounded mean exactly?

Being grounded is straight out of the dictionary man. Nothing mysterious about it. The problem is that the other guy just fed you a result, with little to no indication as to how one gets to be, " well balanced and sensible. "

But I can say that the start of it would be you examining your beliefs about love and how you think about it all. And examine what you're doing to contribute to the results you get.

[–][deleted] 7 years ago* (3 children) | Copy Link

[–]Moderatorrecyclablebanthas 1 point2 points3 points 7 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link

Those are some really good points, to give more context i met this girl off of tinder in november, we saw each other every week up until when we both started classes at the same college in January.

Assuming you wanted something serious though, you probably overlooked some red flags. Looking back on it now, back in November and December, there were probably things she said or did that indicated she wasn't all in.

She broke things off of me with the primary reason be she wasnt over her ex, whom she was gonna marry and he had mental issues and all other sorts of shit.

So this tells you a few things:

She wasn't really into you, per se. She was avoiding dealing with her break-up and hadn't finished with that before she started dating you.
It was an ego boost for her and an attempt to prop up a poor self-image and/or poor emotional foundation.
If he had mental issues, she likely twisted herself out of shape to compensate, in order to try to make it "work."
That being the case, being with someone who doesn't mistreat her, likely feels "wrong" to her.
- She might have said or implied that you aren't tough enough or didn't lay it down well enough for her. If she did so, just realize that she's comparing everyone to someone who was likely abusive, which isn't something anyone should be shooting for.
There might be a temptation in you to try to become more like this abusive ex-BF, to keep someone like this girl you dated. This would be a mistake.

It was on good terms and she did seem to want to remain friends, but not date becasue she didnt want to play games with me or something. I was okay with it but in the following weeks it didnt really seem like she actually was gonna put any effort in a friendship, she wouldnt initiate anything despite lurking all my snapchat and instagram stories for some reason.

Bear in mind, if your only measure of interaction with her is social media, than you're doing it wrong. If you are remaining friends with her, then presumably you guys have circles of friends you are still hanging with.

Putting "effort" into a friendship does NOT equal initiating PMs or conversations. Putting effort would be in either or both of you inviting the other one to do things with other people. Like group things. If you didn't invite her out in this way, then you contributed to the way things went, just as much as she did, if she didn't do the same.

I certainly had a fantasy view of her, i overlooked her messed up past and not meeting up for two weeks.

Yeah, it's a common temptation to want to fix someone.

Getting currently caught up in trying to fix a certain kind of broken person
Hiding from their issues by never being alone with oneself long enough for self-introspection
Trying to make oneself feel better by getting a little hit of validation by being with a new person

Men do this, as do women. This girl you describe is doing it. And she is someone you seem to have wanted to fix.

I overlooked the fact that she was very promiscuous and would hookup with dudes just to stay away from her parents.

Yeah, that's a lot of baggage right there, and none of it you can really help with.

I mean she was deliberately saying this stuff to me to put me off of her oddly enough.

Yep. Classic trope there. People often state outright, what sorts of disaster they will be, as a relationship or interaction starts off. It's kind of ridiculous, really. People will outright state that they're going to hurt others, and usually, the exact sort of way they'd do it. I've seen people who call out their problems:

Substance abuse
Other addictive behaviors or issues
Untrustworthiness
Inability to enforce their own boundaries
Unwillingness to settle down or conversely, unwillingness to be casual

People will outright state what they are about, in ways we might not expect. People will more or less broadcast that they're cheaters, can't be trusted, always create drama, etc.

The question is whether or not we're listening to them, or choose not to because we want to try to make something happen.

.....im just wrapping up a bunch of courses at a community college, im broke and dont see my friends too often. Its kind of an excuse though cause i do have this one girl in my classes always smiling at me, just cant nail down how im gonna approach her since we only have 2 classes a week together.

Couple things here:

College + broke
- You're in college; being broke is so common that many social events created by colleges and by students, all take this into account.
- Being broke, usually still leaves you with some amount of pocket money. If this is the case, the issue is not so much having NO money, but rather, how to make efficient use of it.
- That having been said, there are definitely ways to socially engineer your way around many costs for social events. I can elaborate on this if you want.
This mindset that talking to people in class requires some special approach, is fucking ridiculous.
- All you really need in order to start a conversation, is common ground..... some shared experience or commonality.
  - Like the fact that your'e in a damn class together. :P
  - Or the fact that she seems to be smiling at you, which isn't bad.
- This "only 2 classes a week together" business is complete nonsense. 2 classes is enough to talk to her. ONE fucking class would be enough.
- There's literally NOTHING keeping you from such basic and easy openers as:
  - "Hey, you're in _____ Class with me....." (if you see her outside class)
  - Ask her literally anything related to something you're actually curious about in class.
  - Talk to her and a few other people and start up a damn study group. You're serving people there because honestly, study groups help pool the best knowledge in the class if you pick the right people, which helps your chances before an exam. And getting her in on that, could help her.

Also i didnt really bother to report that guy like you replied in the other thread cause i couldnt give a shit what someone like him thinks, it was kinda dumb of me expecting a decent response.

Reporting someone's comment or post, let's the mods know that someone is being a problem.

If someone establishes a certain pattern, or breaks certain rules, then they get the chance to correct themselves or they get banned.

[–][deleted] 7 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

[–]Moderatorrecyclablebanthas 1 point2 points3 points 7 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

....the girl was a hoe and I let myself get walked on.

You probably did compromise your standards and personal boundaries here.

But question the idea of condemning her as a hoe. It can be startlingly easy to fall down that rabbit hole as a dude also...... fucking people at the drop of a hat. There's a lot of validation in it.

Consider that it's not so much that she's a "hoe," so much as it's a case of you investing too much in a girl that you kind of knew was a casual good fun time girl, combined with her probably muddying the waters by accidentally injecting emotional elements into it that didn't need to be there.

As for my college situation im not at your typical American type of party school, I'm literally just a part timer at a commuter school, there aren't really a whole lot of social amenities here to interact with people, im more focused on building a social life after I get a job again.

I don't think I have been entirely clear here. If you literally can't set aside ANY time to a social life, then you can't.

But this is not a side-thing. There is mounting evidence that a healthy social life is just essential to mental health. So putting it off until you get a job, is a little like saying that you'll put off eating healthy food until you get a job. This is not an optional thing I'm talking about. It's essential to your emotional well-being, man.

The fact is, even as a part timer at a commuter school, there are plenty of opportunities to interact with people. I had a buddy who went to a commuter school, and he complained that he didn't have enough people his own age to hang with in his classes. Based on what he told me of school life there, I assumed that such schools were waste lands.

Imagine my surprise when only a few years after that, I found several clubs and events going on regularly at this school, which attracted younger people, where I would go on to meet a number of women/girls I dated.

I could be wrong, but it's really likely that you're overlooking some easy and cheap options. If you feel comfortable doing so, divulge the name of this commuter school, and I can list some easy things you could do THIS WEEK to get around people. (This could help others who follow you.)

As for approaching in class it's werid, this girl sits surrounded by people in my class I don't really talk to either and I just sit with another guy to the side. But I have made a few funny quips in class that got her attention, one I said right to her that was a month ago.

Look, honestly..... it's weird that you share a class with classmates that you DON'T talk to. You all are taking that class, presumably because you need it for your degree, right? And you want to pass or do well in it, right?

So study group is a no brainer in most cases.

And you have plenty to talk about with anyone in that class. There's no reason not to be talking to people in class, at least before and after class.

Other than that, I think you have the wrong idea about "approaching." There's this mistaken notion that it's like this sort of interruption.

It's not.

We call it approaching and think of it as someone starting an interaction, right? Like you weren't interacting before, so you approach and open and all that stuff, right?

But interactions are verbal AND non-verbal. Facial expressions, body language, gestures, eye contact, and so on.

The truth is, you're interacting with many people in that class all the damn time. You're "approaching" people left and right all the time, in a non-verbal way. You're just choosing to cut things off when it comes to the verbal.

You're just getting nervous about adding words to the interactions you're ALREADY having with this girl.

There are some other classes were I could approach in a not so forced way so I'm gonna try my best to.

You're sharing an experience where you go to the same damn room for however much time, twice a week.

This is the most un-forced thing ever.

The thing that's forced is that your brain is playing this trick on you, convincing you that you need the magically awesome thing to say before you can talk to her. You need the perfect thing to talk about.

Only you don't.

You could literally say hello to anyone in that class and it would be perfectly normal. Like, "Hey classmate!" Or, "Hey, you're in ____ Class with me, right?" And then you talk about something in class. Easiest shit ever. You're all learning the same stuff and dealing with the same experience in class.

Plenty to talk about. So much material just sitting there unused while your brain tricks you into thinking that you need something "funny" or cool to say. Cut this nonsense out about the quips. Connecting is not being a comedian. It's basic and simple; just talking about the obvious and relating to people about basic observations.

[–][deleted] 7 years ago (6 children) | Copy Link

[–][deleted] 7 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

[–]DarkArtsPUA111 point 7 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

[–]Moderatorrecyclablebanthas[M] 0 points1 point2 points 7 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link

[–]DarkArtsPUA11 7 years ago [recovered] (2 children) | Copy Link

[–]Moderatorrecyclablebanthas 0 points1 point2 points 7 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

best way to solve it? get more grounded,

Let's use math as an example. Take the equation, 7-5 = 2

What you're doing in simply telling him to be more grounded, is like shouting, "2," without any indication of the path to get there.

Being grounded is the result of work having been done. You want to help, great! So suggest one of the steps towards being grounded, like having a healthy circle of friends or doing things to build up one's confidence. Just telling people to be grounded is no more helpful than telling someone to just be themselves.

....stop being a baby, stop indulging in bullshit.

Human reactions are understandable.

Is it bullshit to bleed if cut? Of course not. Is it bullshit to be sad when someone close to you dies? Of course not. The stuff that guy described, is him having an understandable reaction to something he experienced.

You want to call it bullshit or imply that someone's a baby for working through a naturally occurring emotional reaction, then you're unintentionally done the following:

Insulted him for going through the same shit anyone here goes through or feels, before they've been through a process to improve.
Forgetten your roots, assuming you've gone through a break-up or experienced a loss.
Risked that the other guy will close up before he has given the details necessary for you to offer the best help.
- Each dude's situation holds keys to their limiting beliefs which need to be tackled if any lasting, healthy change is to be had. You close him off to you, he won't share shit with you.

This guy, luckily, asked you for clarification, giving you a chance at offering real help. He asked you to elaborate on the definition of being grounded, since saying that really means nothing, as it omits the process it takes to get to being grounded.

You ignored him, and unintentionally came off like your whole mission was just to put him down, feel superior, then bail when it came to elaborating on what you even meant.

i just told him stop being a bitch because it's the harshest way. hopefully that harshness will pierce through and get him to maybe make some change

Harshness can have its place. After some sort of plan of action has been described (like actual steps that could be taken). After someone's limiting beliefs have been identified and called out.

If at that point, someone is doubling down and clinging to beliefs that are unhelpful to the process, THEN one could be harsh and most helpfully, harsh towards the beliefs and their irrationality, not specifically towards the person.

[–]DarkArtsPUA111 point 7 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link