I had a realization last night smoking weed w/ some friends that I don't see too often anymore and I feel a certain way about it. I got too comfortable with them that I didn't put in the effort to open up about my feelings or any deep matters. Theres a group of about 5-10 of us guys that are part of our male social circle that developed over the years through college, work, social gatherings/parties, etc.

Anyway, due to work, pick up, and girls, I don't interact w/ them as much as I used too. Maybe every other weekend now, I'll make the time to hang out. But lately I've been feeling my connection w/ them is only sustained from our long history together. Over the past couple months, I've started noticing ALL of them getting closer to each other, and hanging out more while I feel like a friend thats just "there".

All of us are intelligent, open minded, genuine, and for the most part natural w/ women. I'm the only one that studies pick up but I keep it hidden. I respect the hell out of these guys and admire many of their alpha qualities.

So yesterday, I was in a smoking session at a friends apartment, and I felt out of the loop as they were getting into some deep talks about their friendship "being brothers" and recent events and incidents I wasn't a part of. I also felt somewhat awkward as I tend to dig into my head while high. Another part of it is that I've changed significantly the past year through my experiences with women and pick up. My social skills, confidence, wit and inner game has never been better. I know to draw state from within and just to be myself completely but I also value these guys' opinions of me MUCH higher. Honestly, its hard for me to identify the exact insecurity I'm feeling.

When I met them, I was very different, and now I always feel I'm locked into a certain "role" among the group. Its very easy to just sit back, relax and be passive as they all have a lot interesting things to say thats well received. Prior to my so called transformation, I was only close with a few of them, and I'm not too close with a lot of the newer members of our "group". The dynamics are a lot different than when I met everyone.

When I do make a comment, its feels like very basic, superficial small talk. I actually retreat to my head a lot more when I'm around them than when I'm talking to a girl (A good chance that us smoking weed a lot together has a role in this). I actively think of something cool to say and it feels kind of unnatural and isn't criticized but not exactly the most profound. If I have something to say, they'll genuinely listen and build off that yet the connection I feel isn't where I want it to be. We all have deep interests in life, philosophy, technology, video games, cars, etc. So I have no idea what the problem is, its hard for me to truly express myself. Its some sort of psychological block. Whats worse is that when I'm alone with some of them individually, I really feel a bit of tension from not being "close" as the other guys are and I don't know what to say really. I feel only somewhat of a deep rapport w/ 2 of them on a more personal level since we had a longer history.

I never really thought about applying what I've learned to friendships but I'm starting to understand I need to take action, express and open up my current self up but at the same time, its become such a habit for me to play my role. Don't get it wrong, I have fun with these guys, and I like the vibe they put out. Its no problem at parties or going out to clubs/bars as I tend to get into state very easily from being around them by having fun and joking around.

I don't think they have any idea how I feel. Maybe, they don't think I'm really worth it but I'd like think that I'm cool with them in general since I never act crazy, needy, weird, and I try to give value. The issue is more so about me connecting and contributing to the group by expressing myself. I'm sure some feel a certain way about me, and I've unintentionally put up walls. But yea, I don't necessarily act completely different when interacting with people I've met recently but I believe I'm a better version of myself, since I act how I am from the start.

Any experience anything like this or have insights into the matter.? I'd hate to drift away from these guys or maybe I don't want to accept the situation is just different now.