Here’s a scenario: You meet a woman and she asks, “How long was your last relationship?”

You tell her 2 years even though it was a 2 week fling off Tinder. As soon as the words come out of your mouth you think, “Why’d I lie?”

I could link the research to why being authentic and acting with integrity is important, but let’s be real no one makes behavior changes strictly off facts. If that was true tobacco companies would have gone out of business a long time ago.

This isn't’ an article on why you should tell the truth. You aren’t in kindergarten and life isn’t black and white. This is an article on what it takes to be authentic. Being authentic is something we all crave, but in moments of weakness we stop being ourselves to be what we think others want us to be.

We’ve all heard the phrase, “Just be yourself.” My mom said to this one night years ago when I was balls deep in my drug and alcohol phase and depressed because I couldn’t get a girlfriend. “Just be yourself” couldn’t have resonated less with me at the time.

Let’s clarify what “just be yourself,” means. It means “be authentic.” Brene Brown has the best definition of authenticity in her book Gifts of Imperfection. Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we’re supposed to be and embracing who we are.

Maybe it’s a stretch to say we’re being inauthentic if we choose to laugh at our bosses shitty joke at work. Or tell our friends we loved their pasta even though it tasted like cardboard. Or on a first date she asks if we want kids and we reply, “I’ve considered it,” even though the thought of changing a diaper makes us puke in our mouths a little bit. You could argue, “I’m just being polite. That’s how the game of life works.”

But what about the instant replay you run in your heads on the car ride home when we think, “I’m sick of trying to be someone else. Why do I do it? I just want to be me.” That’s the moment I’m talking about.

There’s a price to being authentic. If it was easy, we’d all run around telling everyone their jokes sucked and their pasta tasted like a Fedex box. The hard part of being authentic isn’t how you handle others, it’s how you handle with yourself.

Authenticity requires you to know your inner states, emotions, and thoughts, both good and bad. This is one of those things that sounds easy, but is really hard and uncomfortable in practice.

I’ve written about the dark path of deception I went down years ago to get what I wanted from women. A path of deception, lying, and manipulation. Part of it was because I was drinking the PUA kool-aide. Part of it was because no one taught me how to be authentic. Plus, it was easier to deal with the pain of someone being upset at me behind the mask of drugs and alcohol. I convinced myself I wasn’t responsible for the emotional harm I caused someone if I was high. I know that’s sounds fucked up, because it is. But that’s the world I was living in at the time.

It took self-loathing to the point of my first thought in the morning being, “I hate myself,” and someone almost dying because of my careless behavior for me to realize that being inauthentic was causing more harm than good. I was so caught up with instant gratification from women and sex that I didn’t realize the destruction I was causing to myself and others.

After the smoke cleared (literally and metaphorically) I made the decision to work towards being authentic with women. I still have moments of weakness and say what I think a woman wants to hear. Then I remind myself it’s a daily practice and I can always do better next time.

There are some truths that come with being authentic. Being authentic isn’t not easy, but it’s incredibly rewarding when you make the choice to be yourself in a situation when your normally wouldn’t have.

There are 4 truths that come with being authentic.

AUTHENTICITY TRUTH #1: YOU WILL QUESTION YOURSELF

Kind of like a hangover. When you embrace who you really are, you will question why you did it shortly after. This is because being vulnerable is uncomfortable. You are exposed for all the world to see. Your ego wants to step in and protect you.

Sit in the vulnerability. I know that sounds like a woo-woo spiritual term but there isn’t really any other way to put it. I guess I could say suck it up. Or deal with it. I’m trying to put it nicely though.

Once you learn that discomfort is apart of the process of being authentic it becomes less terrifying and easier to accept. Just like when your ears are going to pop when the plane is flying into the sky. After you’ve flown a few times you remember to start popping your ears before you get in the air.

Whenever I go through a situation where I choose to be authentic I practice difficult conversations with friends before I have them so I can find the core essence of what I’m trying to say. The blunt truth.

The last scenario I choose to be authentic was when I broke up with my girlfriend. I wanted to tell her that it was because I was moving and didn’t want a girlfriend. The truth was I wasn’t ready to be in a relationship and I wanted to date other women.

The conversation was really uncomfortable and we both cried. After we broke up she sent me a text that said, “Can we still be friends? You are such a great guy and I want to have you in my life.” We still talk today.

AUTHENTICITY TRUTH #2: YOU WILL GET INTO THE TYPES OF RELATIONSHIPS YOU’VE ALWAYS WANTED

When you start embracing who you are people start leaving your life. This is a good thing. It’s good because it makes room for the kind of people you always wanted to be with.

When I first moved to Colorado, I stopped thinking about things like pick up lines, or when to touch a woman’s arm when I met her. I started basing my interactions off of two things: Telling the truth, and asking for what I wanted, knowing I might not get it. This changed everything.

One night I was out at a bar and there was a cute girl outside who lived in my apartment. I had been wanting to meet her for a while, but I hadn’t had the chance to introduce myself. When I saw her I knew I wanted to say hello. Instead of thinking of what line to say, I went up to her and said, “Hey my name is Mark and we live in the same building. I’ve noticed you walking around before and I wanted to introduce myself. How are you?” We ended up dating for a few months before she moved away. She was amazing and was completely different than any other woman I had dated at the time.

AUTHENTICITY TRUTH #3: YOU WILL BECOME POLARIZING

Just writing this makes me squirm in my chair. As a recovering nice guy, I can’t stand the thought of people not liking me. The reality is it happens. Even when I act with authenticity and integrity people still get hurt. I’ve had to learn to separate myself from these moments and not take it personally.

There’s a great quote from the book, that describes how to handle setting boundaries and other people upset at you perfectly:

Indeed a compassionately wise person cares about his own happiness as much as the happiness of others - no more and no less. This isn't to say that sacrifices aren't sometimes appropriate, but rather that we have to be wise in deciding which sacrifices to make. Sometimes we may care about another person's happiness but find them too dangerous to remain near as with an alcoholic determined not only to take her life into ruin but to take her spouse and children down with her.

In such cases, the most compassionate thing to do may be to detach with love, removing ourselves from her environment without ceasing to care about her in our heart. Nor does being compassionate require us to adopt a passive demeanor and express only gentle kindness at all times. Though compassion can certainly be gentle, it must also sometimes be harsh, forceful, and even angry.

AUTHENTICITY TRUTH #4: IT GETS EASIER

The more you practice acting in alignment with who you think you are the more you can process emotions without judgement.

I used to have a lot of shame around the fact I read dating advice to improve my relationships with women. I remember hiding my personal development books and tapes in my closet. I thought that if people really knew that I struggled with dating, I would be laughed at.

Now I write a dating blog talking about my most embarrassing experiences. Part of it is because I’ve processed them and there and they are in the past. Another part is that I’ve developed a new comfort zone of authenticity. I’ve told enough people in my life about the shame and embarrassment that I’ve felt in the past and learned that people don’t react the way I thought they would. If anything, they tell me about an area they struggled with too. This builds confidence.