I haven't been on this sub for a long while. Mostly because it had helped me enough to find myself, find a girlfriend and work a lot on me. Enough to make me feel good about myself and feel like i am standing steady on my feet. Now, 3 years later i am back here again because i can't even look out of my own eyes anymore. Because i fear someone might look down on me, judge me for doing something i thought was good and helpful for other people but turned out to be bad. In short: a total loss of selfworth and i am back at the beginning feeling even worse than at the start.

Don't get me wrong. This is not a sob story, nor is it really a success story. It's the cold hard truth that comes after the princess was saved, the dragon slayed and the fears conquered. Like in game of thrones where the real story begins after the fairy tale. It should be read as a reminder, because it is easy to lose the progress you made over the years because of a seemingly higher purpose.

So what happened?

In short: Declining health, old fears resurfaced, a twisted reality and 2 women. But that's a tale for another day, because the most important one is:

Health

Seriously guys. No matter how hard you train in the gym or want to improve yourself in your mental state: if you don't feel normal or forgot what normal is, get yourselfs checked for health issues and get professional help. Because it will always be something in the back of your head when you talk with people, especially women. Most times of my life i felt like i had to hide parts of me because of a toxic fear that if someone found out i had skin problems, pain, wasn't as strong as the rest, they would pick on me. Make me feel inferior.

For YEARS i have had belly problems, extreme tiredness, weakness, fear of cancer, death and whatnot. Only to be told: "it's all in your head. Organically everything is fine. Maybe try therapy!"

So i got everything checked out by myself. Made a butload of allergy-tests. Found a lot. Changed a lot. Got good results. Suddenly everything good turned bad and it got even worse. Built years of food knowledge, had to fight with neurodermatitis in my face which got stronger than ever before even though i seemingly did all the right things. For those who don't know: it's a skin problem/"disease" which makes you look like crap after having to much stress oder eating wrong stuff. If you want google it, but be prepared for some not so fun pictures. The reasons for that disease to break out are so damn complex that there is basically no real help for the cause, only methods to treat the symptoms.

Turns out, nothing concerning the food really helped consistently. Only a good ointment from a medic university helped permanently for my skin. Sometimes i did the same thing that helped me get better a week ago only to find out it doesn't work anymore. I got weaker over, felt like sleeping all day, got depressed because i got nothing done, my work at the gym was useless because i couldn't keep up anymore. 2 months ago i was so far down i couldn't take it anymore and broke down crying at home.

That didn't keep me from dating though. Because my skin looked pretty normal as well as i did from the outside. I had made major progress thanks to this subreddit in the last 5 years and had defined a solid base for me that could stand up to the challenge. I was on top of being me, confident, happy, felt like i could give value to others with my life. I dated a wonderful girl for two years, but ultimately we had to break up because our life goals were too different to overcome. Still, i don't regret one minute with her and i would do it all again.

But over those years with all that health struggle, and ups and downs, i changed. A lot for the better, but also for the worse in all those things i had built up here. I lost my confidence because i thought i was never enough and changed myself way to much to better fit her needs of how i should be. Started to hide my a bit nerdy hobbies from her. Gaming for example. Not that i played much anyway, maybe 4 hours per week? I always felt judged and grew afraid of talking about things i loved or cared about in my hobbies. And that stuck. Because it fell on well nourished ground.

After the breakup i had most of my skin health problems under control and tried dating someone with similar interests than me. It ended before it even started because of my not really existing self worth at that time and her being a very difficult person with lack of better words. Her words were like knives that left pretty wide open wounds for a long while which i still lick today. Because on one hand i want to say she is crazy on the other i am never really sure if some that stuff might be true and i just couldn't perceive it. After that ended, a lot of my health problems got even much worse because i ate comfort food to compensate and also that before mentioned crying breakdown. I finally reached the lowest point possible.

This is were this story takes a turn.

Sometimes you need to go through hell to be able to stand up for yourself again and just a tiny bit of luck.

Because when you are so far down, no matter the consequences, everything is better than staying in this state. This is very first time where i really learned the meaning of the attitude of not giving a damn. I got the "no more mr nice guy" book out the closet again and reread it multiple times to get stuff back in my head. Sometimes this book works like a chant for me to regain what i have lost and missed most dearest: My selftworth. Especially the part of getting your needs met.

Now, comes reddit. Out of pure luck i found a thread about someones girlfriend having food problems. Turns out it we had the same symptoms. Well and guess what, i changed my food to accomodate that problem and voilà, i am getting better every day. For those who want details: i seem to have a less then optimal functioning gallbladder. I will get this checked out professionally soon. If you think you have the same problems, try this for 3 days, but it should show effect in the first 24 hours: concentrated artichoke, vitamin c, omega 3 and if you can get it Pantoprazole. All stuff you should be able get "over the counter". And most important: Stop eating that crap. You know exactly what it is. Don't think of food as a reward for having achieved something. Think of it as fuel to keep you going. The good stuff is what you do between the eating sessions.

I found new inspiration in new music and Jeff Cavaliere on YouTube as a true inspiration for someone who actually knows what they are doing concerning fitness. I am not where i want to be right now, because i still feel like i need to be perfect to be perceived by a woman as a worthy possible partner. But with all this shit i have been eating in the last few years, figuratively and literally, i realized that i need to fix me first, before i can start thinking about new women in my life. Doing this i feel more alive again and like i have my life back in my hands.

Continuing and TL/DR:

Because this is the only thing that really matters: Your phyiscal and mental health. If you have this, everything else will fall in place if you keep doing the right things and what many good people here are writing about. If you can't do it yourself, get professional help and try different doctors. Not every case is as complicated as mine, but sometimes something very small and simple can have a really big impact on you and make you lose the ability to perceive goodness in your life - even if it is right in front of your nose. And if you are perfectly healthy: i don't know what you are waiting for. I would have killed to have had your chance and possibilities to be able to improve myself at any time and not being held back by health issues. Go for it! Right now! But remember: Never stop trying to improve yourself, because you will lose progress after a while of not reflecting on yourself with a bit of guidance.