So the whole of 2019 i've had a really rough year. I had PTSD/Anxiety/depression along with college and a full time job in EMS. Towards the end of the year i had a mental breakdown and just took time off of my job and school for a week or two and the past month and a half has been spent on working on myself again. Last night, being NYE my roommates were going bar hopping so i thought i'd go out despite my whole body not wanting to. All the fears and doubts against my self crept in but i just said fuck it. Took a shower, chose some respectable clothes and went out not with the intention of getting laid or anything just wanting to have a good time and chill with my roommates.

So we're at this second bar that's hoppin around 11pm. I'm sitting at the bar with my one roommate talking, this girl let's call her Sara comes up next to me on my left and says "hey sorry I sat on your coat on the chair next to you, your roommate let me know" so i said How dare you and thanked my roommate for defending my honor....bullshit etc etc Tryna make conversation.

We end up talking for the whole hour till midnight and She turns out to be really awesome. Really cute, good sense of humor, runs a lot, wants to be a teacher etc. She actually initiated the physical contact by touching my shoulder and then my leg and I put my hand on her waist and she did a shot with my roommate and I. Went well. When the ball dropped, I wanted to kiss her but my insecurities came out and i didn't act on it. I started doubting myself and stuff and i could feel my vibe going off. After about 15 mins i think, she left with her friends and gave me looks like she wanted me to chase her i think. I was starting to get really drunk and didn't follow her so i lost her. I didn't even get her number cause i was just enjoying her company tbh. I think it was one of those interactions with a woman where even though i didn't get the close, the fact that I got that long without having a panic attack or anything was awesome.

Anyway, Long story short. The more that I didn't have any intentions and just wanted to have a good time, the more that i actually had a good time. I guess being more present in the moment.

The more i greeted people with a smile and just tried to open up(partially thanks to alcohol) people reciprocated. It's funny huh lol. Happy New year peeps, thanks to this sub and some stuff on youtube by RSD and Tyler etc, a little bit a day of working on yourself can really bring you out of the darkest of places. Peace.