Hi all,

TLDR; just want an outside perspective on my situation. I don't think I can concise this.

Alright here's my story in brief. I'm 31. I'm bald. That kind of bothers me but I'm doing alright about it. As an added 'issue' I'm Muslim.

From a combination of religious adherence + extreme desire, I eventually did lose my virginity earlier this year. I've had sex twice...the first time I was really into the girl, but it was our first date and we met on Tinder. Needless to say she ghosted yours truly. The second time was a girl I met off Tinder last year but never did anything. Eventually I had sex with her. What I learned from these experiences? Unless I'm extremely attracted to the person, messing around is not my thing. I don't feel good about it. I need to be in a relationship to have sex. The last time I had sex was February.

I'm caught between just wanting to bang hot chicks (who doesn't), wanting to adhere to my religion, and maybe finding some sort of a balance, the conclusion I came to was a monogamous relationship with someone who has potential with for a future.

The problem is I feel clueless about relationships. I should give myself some credit. I had a girlfriend for many years but it didn't work out (her family wanted someone from the same culture) - oh yeah, you guessed right, we were never intimate in all those years. It was a messed up relationship, and I learned I was emotionally abusive most likely because I was abused as a kid. Now I am getting the help I need to deal with my issues. But what I'm saying is, I feel like I've never had a healthy relationship with a woman. I don't know what that looks like. I feel like this may contribute towards my problem of meeting someone.

I used to be an ex-porn/PMO addict, I mean seriously up all night + migraines. I do think some of this was natural urge and frustration, the other 'addict' part though was the fact I was using it to escape. I was doing that from 17-30. I stopped last year in August. Yes, I suffer from anxiety and depression. A multitude of factors, but in September 2018 I had a major depressive episode. I'm doing better now but have some symptoms sometimes. I suffer from various forms of anxiety, but I feel like this is also something that contributes to my lack of ability to either meet girls, or initiate conversations, or hold a relationship down/not fuck it up/sabotage it.

What I have going for me:

- people tell me I'm good looking although at times I am insecure about it (I think that's just anxiety)

- I am working on my problems

- I am porn free/PMO free for almost 1 full year

- I have hobbies I am passionate about - I used to be in a band, now I'm building a small home setup. I thought about joining another band again just to make friends and meet women.

- I like fitness and work out all the time (in fact maybe too much that I suffered burnout last year)

- I have a good job, its not my passion - but it's interesting and allows me to have a life

- I'm a good guy

Issues:

- not enough no reliable friends...

- tough time making friends/bonding with people, I live in a big city but in a suburb building full of families

- work is dominated by males

- hobbies are all solo stuff (need to focus more on my music stuff, although its hard to focus sometimes when I feel the extreme NEED to be with a woman)

- not much success online, some success in person but feels awkward/shameful/extreme for going up to girls randomly

- spend too much time on my O.L.D. profiles

It's like...these minor/(major?) things I feel are holding me back from having an awesome life namely being anxiety. I tried doing low carb a few weeks ago to reduce anxiety + depression, but I ended up suffering exhaustion again. There is speculation I have chronic fatigue syndrome, because I had a severe case of mono years ago (which I got from the one time I was with a girl where I didn't have sex but was physical). That caused me to develop crazy health anxiety, and is actually another reason I have kept away from banging chicks when I had the chance - worried too much about STDs, STIs.

When I'm out and about I see women everywhere, its crazy its almost like I beat myself up for not talking to every single one of them. I feel I have a habit of pushing myself way too hard.

I've done online dating, and its really hard especially being a minority. If you disagree, my only reply is I got more matches from just changing my name online!!! I tend to be attracted to 'top guns' as my friend says, and I am superficial that way I can't help it. I love beautiful women. But personality is important too. I have enough experience to know that a beautiful woman without a nice personality is not for me. I do have a lot of limiting beliefs that I am trying to work on i.e. if I see a cute white girl in daisy dukes I have thoughts like "she won't be into me", "I'm not her type". Maybe its limiting belief but I also feel it does hold some truth. The evidence is that I never match with those types of girls online.

I tried approaching girls randomly like day game when I was in my depressive phase months ago, moreso because I also was suffering from chronic loneliness and just was so desperate to get my mind off my problems. I found white girls gave me the toughest time ever/blew me off completely, black girls I actually got a few numbers the one or two times I went out. But never managed to get dates. I'm sure if I kept doing it I could have success.

But the irony is that, now that I'm not AS depressed/having a crazy breakdown, I feel more mentally healthier, but I also feel less motivation to go out and just talk to women randomly. I feel kind of strange that I even did that. I'm not against daygame, in fact today I went to the mall, but I feel its much more natural if I at least get some eye contact.

So I don't have specific questions, but from an outside perspective, what areas or things do you think I can improve? I'm getting some therapy called somatic experiencing to help with my anxiety. I also got a cat and she helps me immensely.

I live in this city by myself, and I just feel very lonely at times. I feel its hard to keep friends and make them especially in N.America (I'm born here, but have travelled a bit). I live in Toronto. I have approached women a lot, in person, online, and am tired of being rejected, blown off, ghosted....or when I had the opportunity, I would sabotage. I think I've learned my mistakes.

Thanks for your time if you made it all the way here. Bless.