I’m a firm believer in passing on my new FDS knowledge to my pickmeisha friends (being careful to first vet their likelihood of acceptance of the principals). However, I’ve realised you need to take care of yourself first and foremost, especially if you are going through a time where you’re perhaps considering leaving your LVM, are going through a breakup, or you are a recovering Pickmeisha.

During these times, it may be best to limit your exposure to your Pickmeisha friends. However, I know it’s not that simple, and these people you may love and adore, may still be a source of support to you, and be a great person deep down. So, if you do continue to engage with them on a very consistent basis, it’s worth keeping some things in mind to minimise the power they will have in triggering your own Pickmeisha ways, and perhaps finding a way to draw some boundaries.

Pickme’s are not as far down the road to recovery as we may be. They may mean well, but their advice is coming from an ill-informed place, where they’ve been abused and gaslighted on a societal level, to think and act in certain ways.

The reason I’ve reflected on this recently is because I’ve been through a breakup with a definite LVM, who was quite covert in his abuses, and it’s taken me a little while to sort through things. So I thought I would share in case anyone else is going through a breakup, as a recovering pick me, as is finding that after they speak with their friends, they are more confused about the situation.

These are some ways I’ve found my Pickmeisha friends to be hindering, rather than healing, during my time of need:

  • They trigger you and remind you of him when you’re trying to move on

This can happen in different forms, but what I’ve found with my Pickmeisha friends, is that they constantly ask me if I’ve heard from him, every single day. And if I say “no” they will try to delve into how I feel about it “babe! You must be devastated he hasn’t reached out. Like he doesn’t even care about you.” Of course I’ve felt that way! But I try to move through it and don’t need reminding every single day. It takes me back to square one (where they are themselves).

They May trigger your thoughts of love and devotion for our former LVM by asking questions such as “do you still love him?” Undoing all of your hard earned recovery. One of my best friends constantly asks this, and she asks if I will go back to him.

Truth is, you may still love him but that means nothing. You know you can’t go back to him for the way he treated you. Logically, I know this, however the only time I feel triggered is if my friend asks me those questions that I’ve answered time and time again. Even if I explain this to her... she doesn’t believe me. Which brings me to my next point.

-They won’t believe you when you say you’re trying to move on and not think about him

They project their own feelings onto you. You may have the clarity to know you won’t go back to him, even if he grovels and you love him still. Because your self esteem and self respect is increasing. Pickmes, don’t understand this.

They will dig and wonder and trigger you, to uncover your “true” feelings. Acting like a counsellor to help you understand and face your pain. But there comes a time when you’ve done that, and you need to gather the strength to move the fuck on. I know what it’s like to be stuck in that stalking stage - it’s unhealthy and it’s an addiction.

My friend constantly digs like she is my therapist, thinking I need to hurt in order to heal. But I HAVE hurt. A lot! Whilst I was in the relationship, and just after. But now? I know I need to draw a line in the sand and HEAL. I need to go no contact, and this also involves not obsessing over him. I’ve done that for months! It got me nowhere. If I enable that within myself, I could be digging for months and years - and hurt myself every time I see his fb update, a new gf, a new job. I don’t need that. He is dead to me now because I’ve wasted enough time on him.

There are times when yes, you will still obsess, and will need to work through those feelings and thoughts, as will anyone after a breakup. But the person experiencing this should call the shots on when, if, and what they need in order to work through. It shouldn’t be up to their friends deciding this.

-They minimise the abuse towards you

Out comes the abuse apologist in your friend. “He really wasn’t that bad. I think he’s a bit selfish, he just doesn’t know how to be a proper boyfriend. Maybe it’s something you could work through. Have you thought about reconciling?”

“He cheated once, but he’s a man. That’s what’s they do. He probably got so scared that he would lose you, because you’re out of his league, he had to have backup girls and it got out of hand.”

“He’s just immature and doesn’t mean to lie. It’s probably because he knows you’ll get angry so he’s scared to tell the truth.”

“He just got violent because men deal with anger in different ways. He doesn’t know how to express himself.”

No no no. HIS abusive ways are HIS choice. Never let your Pickmeisha friends make you think you caused any of the abuse or that it didn’t cause as much harm to you. Your experience is real, and your abuse is real.

-They are forever stuck in the fairytale romance

This ties in with the above, they think love should be hard. It should be a struggle. All men are hard work and just need Bob the builder pickmeisha to show him the right way! They are stuck in the fairytale that this is your one true love. They get dumped by their LVM and spend their time obsessing and wanting their “one and only” back. Thy can’t fathom why you would dare to leave a man, especially when you have no one else lined up. How can you stand to leave?! He needs you! Deep down he wants you and loves you, and you’re throwing that away for nothing! /S

They don’t have standards, and expect you not to. Because they’ve internalised the idea that a woman is nothing if she doesn’t have a man, even if he’s a lying cheating psychopath, at least she has someone.

  • They inadvertently blame you or suggest ways you could have changed the outcome

Again, this is in line with the above. They have internalised the idea that women make men better, and sometimes this means suffering a lifetime of emotional and physical abuse just to get him to say he loves you, once, in 50 years time when he’s vulnerable and on his deathbed.

They think maybe you provoked him. Maybe you were hard to love or you asked to much. You made him lie because you’re jealous and insecure. You made him hit you because you didn’t just allow him to walk away and stone wall you again, which usually ends in you never having your say. You get the point.

  • They have LOW standards

This ties in with their internalised misogyny again. They may have boundaries, for example say they hate p*rn or strippers or close female friends BUT they will never enforce those boundaries. Because they don’t feel they have the right to. They may find out he has done any of the above, and there will be no repercussions for him. So he will do it again. This means when you explain why you won’t tolerate those things, they will agree, but then still make excuses.

I drew a line and wouldn’t go back to my ex because I caught him suggestively texting a female friend, and assume he lied about strippers. My friend agreed. But then was like “I think he’s just stupid and doesn’t know how to act. Maybe you can reconcile?” NO.

  • They exhibit behaviours that the LVM ex also exhibits.

Again, their low standards come out, but this time it’s because THEY themselves have the same bad behaviours as the abusers. Similar to the excuses they made for “men being men”, they make excuses because they also treat people the same. My pick me friend has actually cheated on all of her exes - so even though she’s angry when they cheat, she doesn’t really have a standard because she doesn’t hold herself to that standard. She’s ashamed of her cheating, and she cheats with guys purely for attention and doesn’t even like them. But she doesn’t think she deserves better than to not be cheated on, because she knows how she’s a cheat also.

My pickme friends can also be very manipulative. Similar to the “nice guy” they will go above and beyond and be too nice to their LVM, then turn around and feel aggrieved because the LVM still won’t take her back. I know the reasoning is to be loved. But it’s still not good enough, and it’s still manipulation.

  • They ditch you as soon as they get attention from another man

These women cannot be alone. And will grasp at anything desperately so they don’t have to be on their own. Problem is, they are so desperate they ditch you when a new guy comes along. They are easily manipulated with words, as we all know this is how guys control us! But they don’t - they are so desperate to be adored and loved, that a guy saying her loves her after a week, will have her ditching all her friends. Yes, this actually happened. And he turned into an abusive, manipulative asshole. And guess what? Yep, she’s back blowing up her friends phones.

So they will also think you are lonely and constantly ask about guys in your life. I was talking to guys at different times, nothing major, and if I mentioned it in passing, my friend would beee to know all the details. One guy I hadn’t even met was moving interstate. My reaction? Oh well, and forgot about him. Her reaction? Omg babe!!! Why is he doing? When?! Why would he ask to let you before? I can’t believe he’s going!!!
I was confused - I didn’t care about this guy. I hadn’t even met him!

-All of their conversations revolve around men

Again, male attention is all they care about. And they are desperate for it, and analyse behaviour of all guys, not just because it can be fun analysing psychology of people, but because they are desperate for male validation. Always. They can’t concentrate or talk about anything else - their hobbies? Hopes and dreams? They don’t exist because their lives revolve around men. That’s it.

There’s probably more, but that’s what I’ve experienced so far. I’ve found my progression declines after talking with these friends. So I hope that this helps others who may go through bad times and be thrust into turmoil when talking to their pickme friends or family members.