Well am new to MGTOW. I have been single for about 5 years now and honestly it hasn't really bothered me I have always been independent and can entertain myself.

Story time....

Well my last relationship ended in 2011 mainly because my ex ex girlfriend lets call her Ruby. I was dating a girl we will call her Carmen. Ruby was my first serious relationship, my high school sweet heart. I suppose I cared for her deeply. Ruby and I dated for 2 years and while things weren't perfect I never really felt good enough for her because her parents were rich.While I didn't even have a home to call my own or parents to call mine. I was in the foster system and a black male, in a 95% white area, so identity was complicated for me never really having anyone I could relate to.

So after 2 years of dating her it was time for college. We would be 3 hours away from each other so I called it quits. Ruby didn't deal with this all to well. She would constantly talk about hurting herself or wanting to see me and she would sleep around with guys and tell me about it, then she would feel bad and talk about hurting herself again.I was younger then so I would drive 3 hours away to see her. Then she would have her dose of me and that would keep her feed for about a month then it would repeat. In 2008 I found someone I went to summer camp when I was a kid she happened to go to the same college as me. Carmen and I hung out at first watching movies in our Dorms and sometimes going for walks and unlike Ruby she wasn't from a privileged family she had hardships and I could relate with her on that level it seemed.

Ruby found out about Carmen and she said she would take her own live. I didn't see the game that was being played, she was trying to stay in the picture so eventually Carmen would make me choose which is an impossible choice. I was in white-knight mode I had to save her I was the only one that could or so I thought. Every time I would run and save her from herself and she would cry and then a month later it would happen all over again. Well this continued the entire time while I was dating Carmen and she wasn't having any of it.

I had two woman whisper in my ear one saying to let her go because I couldn't save her and the other one saying I need you and only you to save me. I don't know if anyone of you have experienced this but it was hard for me to bare at times. In early 2010 I was done my first round of college and summer break was about to start Ruby had gone silent for about 6 months and everything seemed normal. I was happy with Carmen and she was happy with me. Along came Ruby one day she was at my apartment now I don't know how she knew where I lived because I never told her.

She was in tears saying she loved me and wanted me back now at this point I wanted nothing to do with her she had been with close to 12 guys at this point and I couldn't look at her. I blamed myself I thought if I never left her she wouldn't be like this if I just stayed with her maybe she would be okay. ( The thing is this wasn't my fault, this stuff ran deeper then just me" Carmen told me if I spoke to her it was over between us. I told Carmen if she does it this time then that's on me and I couldn't live with myself if she took her own life. I called her father and told him that he needed to talk to his daughter because she has been talking about killing herself for the past few years and I couldn't take it anymore. Now he didn't believe me thought I was lying to him, he eventually called her and she got mad at me.

She told me I needed to follow her home or she would drive her car into a wall. I did follow her home and her parents were waiting at the door and told me to come inside. (insert most awkward sit down ever) I sat and told them what was going on and how everything got to this point while Ruby sat there crying. Her mother works with mental illness (ironically) they tend to miss it in there own children. Fast forward an hour later and her parents are thanking me for telling them and I told them I couldn't carry this burden any more because it was killing me. I left.

2011 Carmen is gone and in her final year of school.Every now and then I get a drunk call or text with her telling me how many guys she has been with since me. I don't know why some woman do this after a break-up they find as many d!@k as possible and ride away. Ruby was playing this game making sure I would break up with Carmen she confessed this to me in an email. I haven't spoke to either of them in years, I got an email a few months back from Carmen asking how things were I never replied.

I blamed myself for years. I thought I was a monster for destroying two woman. I thought it was all my fault that I destroyed them. I thought man how messed up of a person am I for destroying to woman like this. I still sometimes blame myself it's kind of the way I am. The thing is they ended up destroying me. I was stuck in the middle of two woman and in the end I ended up alone, I ended up broken and I ended up forgotten by them both. As far as I know they are both in relationships that's all I can gather from the emails I received last year they seem to be happy and I am happy for them. What I don't understand is why they keep trying to contact me, if someone has an answer please tell me.

I found MGTOW and I am glad that I did I have been single for 5 years and have been going at this alone. I am not expecting a community here but I needed a bit of a new narrative in life and based on what I have read so far and from watching some of Sandman's videos on youtube. I think this is the right place for me to get a bit more grounded. Sorry for the lack of grammar and if the story seems a bit in pieces I am currently on a 12 hour shift and super tired