Those were the hardest nights of my life. Looking for answers to questions most people have never answered themselves. I was on autopilot, luckily I was able to function at my job. I had always liked what I’ve done but something changed about my occupation to me, I started to enjoy it so much without a path I didn’t know which way to go. I just dug in, worked as much as I could picked up hours that I would have before turned down, for the family. She called every night, we talked about lots of issues, some I hadn’t even touched on in years. I wanted so much to just run home, but something hadn’t felt right. The place I was at was nothing but a substitute to the way I had felt before. Something was missing in my life, something I had many years before. Somewhere along the way I lost it, and life without it was becoming extremely difficult. My search took me to many conversations with men. I listened and listened hard to all the awful stories that these men had endured. Some stories brought me to tears, of course I didn’t show the men this, of course not, I’m a man right? I had always carried myself above others able to look down on others from my high horse. Now here I am rock bottom the worst I have ever been in my entire life. Searching continuously, you don’t realize how much time you commit to a family till your alone having to fill that time with other things. I was hitting the gym every morning, I never slept very long so the time was now being spent building my body in the morning. At night I read through a few self help books, then I started searching on the internet for anything. I found article after article, take care of her needs, do everything she wants, submit, commit, sell your soul, I’m sure some of it may work but she had just been pushing me away. She didn’t even want our life, that’s why it was so surprising she was calling me. Once I walked out the door I thought that was it. I had committed years of life, so much time, so much hard work to just let it go. I had accepted it, there was no relationship piggy bank for me. Fuck I had given all the resources at my disposal to her, fuck I had loved and protected our kids with all my heart, fuck that I supported her every step of the way to her current position. All that mattered is at that moment I made her not want me, imagine that.