So I'm a deadbeat dad

(I have learned a lot in the last year since I discovered MGTOW. I'll describe what led me to my situation. This is how I was thinking at the time, not necessarily how I'm thinking now that I realize it. English is not my first language.)

Here it is. As far as I remember I always wanted to have a family. I've always been a curious person and I wanted kids to pass on my genes and to teach them stuff, to pass on knowledge.

I took the first red pills in college. That was in the early 2000s (ages ago!) when we could still learn in school. I learned about evolutionary psychology and about women AF / BB sexual strategy. I knew from experience women would not see me as a AF, so I was better to work on myself, be a decent provider, and make sure my partner gives me her best years in return and does not cheat.

But I also noticed how nasty females my age were. Taking drugs, smoking, getting tatoos, sleeping around. I found them vulgar, damaged. I still believed in NAWALT at that time, but I thought they were rare, so rare that simply by supply & demand I should have no expectation to find one, and instead focus on doing the things that I liked for myself.

Then I met my future wife. I was 24 and she was a 22yo Chinese foreign student FOC (Fresh Out the Container). Not from a wealthy family, rather Chinese new middle-class background. I proposed to help her out, we befriended, I made a move, and we had sex. Thinking about it now that's where I should have ended it. But I was stupid. I was overran by hormones. Thinking with my dick. She was young, fresh, fit, so hot! She treated me like a king. And she was so charming! That's the kind of precious girl I'm looking for, right? I better be quick! I dropped the L bomb and we started a relationship.

It's not as if I made all the stupid decisions at once. It's rather like she took the time to study my defences and unlock them one by one, carefully, patiently. Because at the beginning I knew it was unlikely to work because she was from a different country. But I just said 'Meh let's give it a try', because it's working now, and because, I thought, she was valuable and I was the lucky one, compared to all those western feminists bitches! I'd not blow my chances up, right?

I took two years before deciding to have her move in with me. Then another two years before we bought a property together. I did not help her with the immigration process, she's done all paperwork herself. She finished her degree, started working and started a business. She always paid for herself on dates. We kept our finances separate. She was sweet, beautiful, healthy, intelligent, everything I dreamed of!

But meanwhile I was ignoring all the red flags. Sex quality and quantity were both slowly going down. When I asked about it she said it's because she worked a lot. She was giving me the silence tratment... for no apparent reason, and I was supposed to guess what went wrong. And I started to lose objects in the appartment. Nothing valuable, but small objects that are very annoying to lose when you need them, such as tape or shoelaces. I have no way to prove that she was the one taking them. I could never ask her when it happenned because she was either at work or sleeping. There is one time I couldn't find the little container box for my contact lenses before going to bed, I woke her up and she bursted out crying that she needed to work the next day, and dumb me apologized.

If it happenned once before I would have said Fuck Off! But that's the trap of emotional manipulation women set us in: it's a slow slide into hell. And when you are telling her about it because you think it's the right thing to do to solve the problem in the relationship, in fact you are just giving her better tools to understand you hence to screw you over more efficiently. You start strong and you become aweakened, and you think it's because you need to work harder on the relationship while in fact the relationship is a parasitic one in which she drains all the ressources and energy from you.

I think as men we are reluctant to reognize when we are abused, as much as women are fast to claim they are abused when they are not. I am not saying this as an excuse for my stupid decisions. I was fucking stupid. But if we really want to look at the facts: I was in an aweakened state and after years of abuse I was not in my right mind anymore.

So after 5 years of what I thought was a sweet relationship, she gave me the ultimatum for marriage and I fell for it. After all she gave me the best years of her life, from 22 to 28, I thought. I went to China and I met with her family. They paid all the expenses of the ceremony, I just had to be there for a few days and meet people. But on the way back home her mother came to live with us...

I accepted this because... I'm a good guy! I took her away from her family and from her country for five years! They welcomed me in their home when I traveled there. It's the least thing I could do to welcome her mother in our home for two months, right?

Well not really... I thought we were doing fine but her mother was talking shit about me, in Chinese so I wouldn't understand. Judging me when I play my games or drink alcohol. Asking why we don't live in a bigger appartment or why I'm not higher up in my company. I guess it because of clues: the expression of contempt when she was looking at me, and how my new wife attitude changed after that: she became much colder, and she started to compare me with other guys: one guy can speak chinese better than me, another one has an appartment with one more room for the baby. Is it because of the ring? Because of her mother influence? I think it's both. It was all planned.

We had our son. Shortly after I secretly had his DNA tested. He's mine. Awesome boy. We had a good time together in his first year. But after his birth, my mother-in-law came to live in our place again. But this time I never gave my permission (she was supposed to take a airbnb nearby). My wife was trying to convince me I had already accepted and I misunderstood and don't remember anything. I saw all the damn gaslight at once.

I looked up on the internet to try to find out what was going on in my relationship and in my life. I found Sandman's MGTOW videos, then John MGTOW is Freedom. I said HOLY SHIT it all makes sense now. I was deep into the hole and I had to get out of there.

First thing I did was to throw the mother-in-law out of the place. That was one week after she came in. She made a scene and burst out in tears. I kept my straight face. She stopped crying and started the insults. I insulted her too. It was ugly. But it was necessary. She booked a plane and left by the end of the month.

My wife was pissed. I could see now how she saw me all this time: just a utility, some guy that she could use to solve the problems caused by her own bad life choices. I offered her to separate in good terms by selling our appartment and living in separate places. She wanted her revenge and to use me as much as she could. She started to lock herself up with our son in her room, not by locking the door, but by moving furniture behind the door so when I open it, it falls so she could claim she was affraid of me. She was recording everything I did and I said. She was going to screw me over. I was 'awaken while married' and scared as shit.

Later that year she filed for divorce. I did not want to go to family court and waste money and time on lawyer fees, especially in my country where men have no rights. We went to an arbitrator. I accepted most of her terms. She wanted to keep the child most of the time. She wanted me to travel to her place two to three times a week to pickup the child and to give him back at her place, only to see my son a few hours. She wanted 500$/month for child support. She would buy me my half of the property.

I fell sick at that point. I was so disgusted I did not eat for a whole week. Not exagerrating, I only drank juice. I fell so sick because I knew all my hopes and dreams were falling appart. I could not see my son as much as I wanted, and I had so many restrictions and responsabilities and I couldn't ever feel good as a man and be the father I wanted to be. I kept my low-grade corporate job for five years and delayed my project to start a business because the relationship took too much energy, and now I had to continue working all my life in low-grade jobs that I hated only because of this bitch. There is no way I was going to live like this. No fucking way.

So I made a decision. I will say Fuck You All and live the MGTOW life. My savings were intact. I cashed-in my property money. I have no debt. No criminal charges. I took an appartment near my ex's to continue to see my son for a few months and spend good times with him. Then I took the plane and left the country.

None of my family and friends know where I am. I kept in touch with only three persons at home, MGTOW men, in case something goes wrong or if my son wants to contact me in the future. Since two months now I am travelling and doing the things that I couldn't do while working full-time and in a relationship. My plan is to move countries for a while, find a job, get a work visa, and eventually apply for permanent residency. My relatives, my government, my ex wife, everyone who tried to screw me over can go fuck themselves.

But what I really miss is my dream of raising my son and having a family. I tolerated all this bullshit all those years, because at the back of my mind was the hope that I was going to have a child. That's why inconsciently I think I stayed with this bitch. I deluded myself to think it was still possible, to stay a strong independant man and to have a family. I enjoy myself and everything I do now, but deep down I am devastated that I cannot see my son again. There haven't been a day I didn't look at his pictures and videos. He needs a dad to be present for him. But I can't. If I stayed I couldn't be present either, because I would be a beaten-down version of myself.

I fucking hate my country to not allow boys access to their fathers. I hope they all burn in hell. Happy father's day.

TL;DR - I cohabited, married, and had a son. Even if I could save myself financially from the divorce-rape, I struggle with coping with the emotional damage of knowing I will not see my son again.