So I guess at this point I’m just supposed to keep going to work and doing my job for the military. I have been in for 18 and a half years. Twelve years of that I have been spent overseas and/or deployed expeditionary. I have made many sacrifices and helped many people. I love my job and the position I have now. This institution tells us they will take care of us and our families. I have seen that first hand.

But now it’s my families turn for help. I have received lots of assurances, but no one has helped us.

There are programs for people that are needing help in the military. I am finding out those programs are geared more for the spouses use. I understand that in most cases that is rightly so. It was funny when I went to receive counselling after losing my children and home, my victim advocate gave me a pamphlet about how to deal with “male anger”. She apologized to me about that, but pointed out to me that it was still applicable to my problem. I’m sure the pamphlet was a check in the block for that agency to ensure she had given me the proper authorized help I was supposed to receive. There were other things in that pamphlet like how to file a restraining order, if my spouse does not give me access to his bank account that was abuse, and that it wasn’t my fault I was abused.

I have the knowledge that my children’s mother will have free reign to neglect my children, move to another country soon and change their names once I leave the state. She is independently wealthy and has many resources. I will never see them again. I was told since I am attached to a deployable unit, I am not fit to have custody of my children by an appointed judge for civil law. That judge also let me know I’m not allowed in my house that I am ordered to pay for it until the divorce is finalized. This is despite the children’s mother being locked up for trying to kill herself in front of them on my oldest son’s birthday last year, would not feed or talk to them for weeks on end when they were younger, and calls them stupid all the time. I was told I should have contacted CPS or the police sooner. I know that spouses will cover up abuse. That’s exactly what I was doing. I didn’t even realize I was being abused either, I just thought I was supposed to try harder, because that’s what men in my position do.

I have been told by people things will be ok… What does that mean? Things are not ok. My health is suffering now from the stress I am under. I have started developing rashes. I had what I was told was a panic attack a few weeks ago, I thought it was a heart attack. When I went to medical on base they told me to do meditation. I wasn’t tested for anything, not even a blood test. First class healthcare right there, thanks doc! My children tell me when I see them they cannot sleep and that’s why they are tired when I have visitation. They also don’t talk to me like they used too. I’m afraid they are hiding something. I have wanted them to receive counseling but the military agencies that coordinate that tell me they can’t force them to go there and I would have to bring them by when they are in my custody. Since that is on the weekends it won’t happen.

For years I would take leave of the military or be given time off to take care of my children while the mother would go through inpatient therapy or stay in her room for weeks on end. When they were born I was the one that would wake up and feed them every night. My mother in law would watch after them in the day time while I was at work. I miss her family.

I have no home now, I am about to lose my room on base for an operational commitment also. The things in my room will not fit into my future accommodations and I cannot have visitation with my children at my future location. 2/3 of my pay is given over to alimony, a mortgage I am ordered to pay, bills, transportation, food and child support. The little money I have left over after that I give to a lawyer that “represents” me. Whatever is left over I spend when I have visitation with my children. The rest I put on a credit card and pay off monthly when I can. I have thought about getting a second job now.

I applied for a program that would put me in a non-deployable unit closer to my family so I could get a better chance to win custody of my children, my lawyer even suggested it. My immediate chain of command recommended I do the same. I routed the package over a month ago. I found out it was on an officer’s desk for 3 weeks. I asked if there were any issues and was told I needed to complete more correspondence for the package to be seen by my CO. The correspondence took only 2 hours and was added to the package immediately. I was then told by that officer my situation did not fit the criteria for immediate reassignment.

I have so much anger now. It comes fast and is hard to control. I try to deal with it. I think about my children and how I need to provide for them if I am to get custody somehow. That calms me down enough to keep me from doing something stupid and lashing out. I’m still responsible for a division too and my guys need my leadership. When I am at work I feel better. I don’t know how long I can keep this up.