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SouthernPetite
[–][deleted] 5 points6 points7 points 10 years ago* (4 children) | Copy Link
I'm still reading the article but it looks great so far! Love, love, love that this got some air-time:
BLAMING YOUR PARTNER FOR YOUR OWN EMOTIONS
Edit: All right the main thing that I disagree with (to an extent) is the "Displays of 'Loving' Jealousy" part. Now, I agree that snooping, hacking into emails, and tailing your SO/spouse around town is pretty crazy behavior. I am someone that believes in healthy jealousy however. It's a bit hard to explain...my SO and I have never fought because one or the other of us have been jealous about some interaction or anything like that. I'm pretty oblivious to the people around me when we're out doing something (example: shopping for groceries). My focus is on getting the things we need, and talking to him. Sometimes he'll randomly just put his arm around my waist while I'm pushing the cart and pull me a bit closer to him. I'll immediately smile. Whether he does this just as a random sign of affection, or because he noticed something I missed varies. He'll occasionally pay me a compliment/tease and mention that I don't always pick up on certain things (usually this refers to the fact that he noticed another man giving me the 'once over'). Similarly I'll 'bristle' a bit when we're hanging out together somewhere and I another woman (this could be a stranger or a friend) that's paying a bit too much attention to him. I'll generally just stand a bit closer to him, not say anything and make a comment about it later when we're alone. I personally think it's nice to realize that the person you're committed to has instincts to mate guard. Again there's a difference between crazy over-the top jealousy that leads to arguments, and simply the presence of jealousy at times that leads to positive interactions.
I will also say that in our relationship, there are very concrete things we both do to make sure that the potential for getting into or allowing problematic situations to develop is greatly minimized.
[–]SouthernPetite31, Married, Together 9 years[S] 3 points4 points5 points 10 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
I interpreted the that part as mostly getting angry at your partner over normal, everyday interactions. Mate guarding is one thing, being a control freak who sees subversion everywhere is something else entirely.
As for the response to legitimate mate guarding, what works depends on the couple. Some people like the protective behaviors, others don't. My husband and I don't do any of the mate guarding behaviors, nor would care for the other person doing so, because neither of us see anyone else as a threat. If anyone does try anything, we usually make fun of each other about when we get home.
[–][deleted] 2 points3 points4 points 10 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Everything you said makes sense, and I know these things will vary from couple to couple depending on the personalities etc at play. :0)
[–][deleted] 4 points5 points6 points 10 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
I came here to say what you said about jealousy, and then saw you'd already said it better than I ever could. Maybe "posessive" is a better word? And definitely not overboard, never snooping or actual fighting or anger, but like...he's MINE and everyone better know it ;)
Haha, thanks! Yes, I always get a little thrill when I see him making sure everyone knows to keep a polite distance with me. :0)
[–]BeautifulSpaceCadet 3 points3 points3 points 10 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link
Wow at number 4. So wise.
I think this is the most insidious of these behaviours because it is so simple to hamster yourself into the problem legitimately being your SO's lack of reaction. It's not as concrete as the others where there are some form of checkboxes you can move through to see if you're demonstrating this behaviour. It is 100% perception-based and exceeds a beginner's level of self-awareness to identify and stop the behaviour.
This is a great list and there was merit in absolutely each point, but that one to me is the one I know I am most guilty of and will have the hardest time correcting.
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[–][deleted] 5 points6 points7 points (4 children) | Copy Link
[–]SouthernPetite31, Married, Together 9 years[S] 3 points4 points5 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 2 points3 points4 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 4 points5 points6 points (1 child) | Copy Link
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[–]BeautifulSpaceCadet 3 points3 points3 points [recovered] | Copy Link