Hello ladies, I'm new here and I would like to share my story with you since I'm feeling I've reached a dead end in my life and I need your advice. (Please note that english is not my native language, so please be kind to any mistakes).

I've read the sidebar and I have realised I've been alpha widowed when I was 19 years old (at age 15 I've started "dating" a guy who was 18, I was virgin and he was my first, I was loyal to him but he wasn't, I had accepted that and three years later he dumped me). Till now, that I'm 26, I think I've been riding the CC. I 've been in a LDR for 3 years, after it ended I've been in a LTR for one year and recently plated for two months. I feel I 've hit rock bottom and currently I'm in nun mode.

I take responsibility for my actions and I realise now that I wasn't wife material, partly because of my lack of interest in marriage. I've been with these men because of the tingles and noone expect the last one had captain/husband qualities either.

The thing is, this last man (I'll call him G from now on) is ten years older than me and he made me aware of a few things I never considered before. He kept asking me how bad I was treated in my previous relationships and I had no idea why would he ask me that, until he said it was obvious that men took adavantage of me. I've never felt that way, these men (except my first man) had treated me nicely and we had loving relationships... But, his point was that they had sex freely with me without having to marry me. Now, I feel used and angry, and I feel really bad I lost a high SMV man because I didn't display the good qualities he was after.

My BMI is 19 and looks wise I'm ok I guess, a 6 most likely, a 7 at best. I have no problem attracting a man, but my personality is a problem, as I've been indoctrinated with the feminist/SJW brainwashing. G also told me that my biggest problem is that I'm mistrustful and somewhat needy but I tend to disagree with that, I am the exact opposite when I feel safe around someone and I'm in a relationship. I was not myself with him because I had severe "oneitis" and couldn't hold my own.

Anyway, even though G had great qualities, he gamed me a lot and I still feel exhausted psychologically because of it, to the point I don't ever want to date anyone again. I feel I need at least 3-4 years of nun mode focusing on myself only, but then, I'd lose all my good years left and I'll hit the wall.

What do you think I should do to recover? And how to move on from the oneitis and the rejection of G? I still think about him every day, sometimes I even text him and he's not responding, but that doesn't stop me. I know it's silly and annoying though, I just can't explain why I keep doing this and hoping for something to develop.

EDIT: I wish everyone a happy new year, filled with health, love, happiness, laughter and anything else your heart desires! :)