Hi there ladies!

I've been mostly lurking here on my main account for about a year now, and made this account to share some things I've been thinking about after rereading this post. It's stuck with me since I read it six months ago as it outlines exactly the problems I have with men; the cycle of being interested in a man, feeling too nervous talk or act naturally around him and him understandably moving on to better things. The comments on the linked thread are useful and I've reread them multiple times to keep myself on track with improvement in this area. However, I feel there are some gaps that I want to attempt to fill in. This will be very basic stuff, but I really I hope this is useful to someone else. Or if it's utter rubbish, I'd love to get some feedback and advice.

Background that may add context to my ramblings:

  1. It's been a long road getting to RPW; I was a full on angry feminist about a year and a half ago, until I moved away from home to start my degree. My mother, bless her furious, perma-outraged heart, has always been a feminist and brought me up accordingly. For instance, I only admitted to myself that I do not in fact want a high powered career, deeply want to be a mother and, scandalously, do want a relationship, within the last six months.
  2. Because of my feminist ways, I had very few feminine qualities. I really started from square one; letting my hair grow out from my BUZZCUT, wearing clothes that weren't sweat pants and a hoodie, smiling, not bitching and complaining all the time, and keeping my voice at an acceptable volume. (Genuinely, the other character flaws that I have worked on/continue to work on could fill many other posts. I won't bore you with them, just keep in mind that I'm very much a work in progress.)
  3. I am 23 years old and a virgin. A happy side effect of not being able to talk to men I am attracted to (cough and having a buzzcut) is that I didn't sleep around during my militant feminist phase, when having an astronomically high N-count seemed like a perfectly normal life goal.
  4. My close group of friends is mostly male, so I have no issues talking to men I am not attracted to. I also have one very close female friend.

SO.

I find it incredibly difficult to talk to blokes I am attracted to. There are many possible reasons for this, but in essence it boils down to the major problem that I share with the author of the other thread:

I have a hard time being myself and try not to call or text them much because I’m afraid they’ll interpret it as me liking them more than a friend (which I do but I don’t want the guy to know ...is that silly!?). I just feel like if a guy knows I’m interested then the guy will be less interested??!!

Man, this hit home. I've run into 3 or 4 wonderful men in the past few years, and without fail I have romantically-kneecapped myself before there's a chance of anything meaningful developing. They are lovely, intelligent, interesting, and I show them how much I care for them by basically ghosting them in person. I completely shut down due to horrific anxiety and stress. What a rude, unfeminine and ultimately short sighted thing to do.

So, I'm in the process of sorting myself out. I am friends with an absolutely wonderful guy that I would love to have the opportunity date, but want to get the fundamentals solid as I go. I don't want to just wing it and learn to date and interact appropriately as I go, because there's a possibility that by going slowly and thoroughly thinking through my actions I might sort out my issues with my attitude and approach to men. I also understand that by going this slowly and by approaching this more like learning a skill than reaching a goal, there is an incredibly high risk of losing out on dating him. Perhaps I am rationalising due to my nervousness, but because this has been a long term problem that I haven't been able to crack so far, I think this is a valid approach. I also have no interest in wasting his time. I'm not playing games, I don't want him to chase me, I'm not playing hard to get. (I think this will be made embarrassingly clear further down...)

The first hurdle I addressed was not being embarrassed that I was attracted to someone, (I know, I know, this is stuff I should have dealt with when I was a teenager) and a safe bet was talking to my female friend. She has her own problems with men, but is much more confident and open about relationships than I am, and definitely wouldn't gossip or make fun of me. Of course, I was worried that she would think less of me for being attracted to someone, (... It's OK, you can laugh,) and, to be fair, she was surprised. But mostly by my openness about it. She has been an absolute star since then; I can talk to her about any of my worries and she gives a level headed, reliable outsiders perspective. Since telling her about my crush (teehee) I have become considerably less embarrassed about it. I'm still bashful and wouldn't bring it up around other girl friends, but PROGRESS, ladies. Thank goodness.

The next problem I tackled was incredibly basic; I just worked on being polite to him. When I would close down around men in the past, I mean I FULLY closed down. One word answers, avoided hanging out, would barely make eye contact. That had to stop. So I remind myself about my long term goals before I see him, every time I see him. I make myself look nice, I relax my shoulders, stand up straight and confidently walk up to him with a smile. The phrase "Hiya, y'alright?" has been my catchphrase these past few months. Not complex, not clever, but again, PROGRESS.

The goal I am working towards now is acting like an actual human being. The best piece of advice I have come across is in this phenomenal video by Jordan Peterson, and a written post that I believe he made about the same topic (I apologise for not linking it; I've searched and can't find it.) His advice has changed how I approached every interaction, not just the ones with the guy I fancy. Making eye contact and really, genuinely listening to what the other person has to say have been absolutely key. By making eye contact I can predict some of what the other person is going to do, and I am better equipped to stay up to date with the conversation (I can realise if they are getting bored, if they are distracted, if they look interested in something I've said, if they smile etc..) And by listening intently to the other person, I spend less of my mental and emotional capacity worrying about what they think of me, and can talk in a far more relaxed and natural fashion. By focusing my attention outwards on them, rather than worrying about whether they are going to judge me, or think I'm stupid, or can tell that I have a crush on them, I am both actually engaging with them and, I think, I am more interesting to talk to.

Hugs and high fives to any other RPW that have ever struggled with this stuff. We'll get ourselves sorted soon. Find your confidence in your femininity. Shall we fake it til we make it?