Let me start saying hey, we're all different with different goals. Rule 0 right? Been more a servant my whole life. Not really beta but not the hard alpha I read about on here. Had lots of sophist comments about "any woman would be [insert stroke here] to be with you" or "most women are intimidated by you" sort of things.

Doesn't matter to me because I'm a Christian and maybe it's a lifelong low libido or brain chemicals but I've never been attracted to sluts that just wanted my dick. I want them to have fireworks and, yes, love me. Or at least make me feel it lol

Needless I've only found 2 of those women and this last one...well Dang. Fireworks. A lot of the posts I see here feel...jaded sort of. I think every man here has had a moment where they met someone that just did something to them and if you haven't I'm telling you you want to feel it. Not just sexually but gave you a reason to stay alive when you're fighting death....

...because that's what I'm getting to. I've been fighting death for years. Started with cancer then the relapses the stem cell transplant the organ failure. Probably 6 time in the last 4 years doctors have talked with me about their concerns I was dying or was sure I WAS dying. But I'm still here.

So...imagine meeting someone in my state? Have to live with parents because disabled and can't work. Can't hardly breath for lung failure. But she sees me. BPD helped create an idealization I think but 9 months running I still had her naked in my bed telling me "you've got a sexy naked woman in your bed that really wants to have sex with you...you've still got it" because once again physical limitations... :hangs head: I can't express how much that hurts...

But it's been a rollercoaster. 11 months and lord knows how many breakups. The last one I didn't even know we were still dating when she ended it again (different towns, read on). Thing is when she left the last time she NEEDED me. Like she would sext me talking about viewing me as "a shining god, inside me" I mean..dang. She was so hot for me until she saw me in the hospital. lol but not really laughing...

Anyway, I'm in a jam because of my sickness. She's sick too obviously with BPD and her own issues so it doesn't really phase me that she's ending it and pushing me away again because of how sick I am. It's complicated and I hesitate to go too far into detail but...she went back to her old city a few hours away because my parents basically ran her off (again sick, work with me here) and wanted BAD to come back. Well end up in the hospital for a month and crash while she's going through dark night of her life like...F#$% how am I not with her right now? It basically maximized all of my limitations being sick ya know?

Having spent probably equal time in a friendzone as her in my bed i'm not too worried as I should be able to close the distance gap more frequently soon but I need help with this. I see two options - 1 I die from sickness. 2 - miracle!! I get transplant and get better and we grow old together.

Now see here, rule 0 right? I'm trying to better myself here to attain what would make me a better man. Fact remains she puts fight in me nobody else has (and yes I've met other beautiful women since getting sick) and in terms of just staying alive...that alone tells me I need to fix this.

So she's moving on. Out of one of the worst spots in her life that I helped her get through, and now since things are improving the hypergamy is settling and she's lookin for the betabucks through independence. I know she loves me, it's just that I failed her HARD. FUUUU I'm trying not to DIE gimme some slack! It's more complicated than that (geez is it complicataed) so don't hate on her or think I'm a sucker. mental illness sucks...

So the way I see it I have to remind her I'm a man (best way I can see is screw her brains out but enter Christianity and physical limitations) and up the alpha she saw before this recent mess.

I know I need to strategically back off. Need to keep her thinking about me though. Easier since she has no friends except roommate. Need to get independence myself (driving soon post surgery and trying to move out). All that depends on me getting healthier so I'm just relying on God to give my docs wisdom and treatments effectiveness so I'm focusing on this situation as motivation for the moment. Gotta want a future.... Have to get sexually fit (which is crazy to think at my age (30+) and let her know.

But she needs to KNOW that I still love her. She is super insecure and if she doesn't know it she will withdraw. So it's a balance of distance/presence. Which sucks when you're in another city with no transportation...

Anyway ideas to help reel in this literal epitomy of feminine energy?? I mean, like clockwork monthly female. No impulse control. Wild storm raging and I LOVE IT. I appreciate it. Thanks