I don't know what to do. I don't know who I want to be or what I want to do. I tried forcing myself into new habits but I'm always reverting to where I started at. I hate my life. No matter how sweet the promises, the goals at the end of the road might be, they don't motivate me. I know this should be tackled with discipline, but it's a resource that's sadly not infinite and dries up if not resparked by motivation from time to time. I know I have to change to get the things I see as 'nice to have', but that's what they are. There's no loss in missing them.

It's so bad, even if I had a guarantee to be successful at whatever I would want to do and everything would work out fine, hell, I have no fucking clue what this could be. Before anybody comes up with 'What were your dreams as a kid?', I didn't have dreams. There always just was this 'A family would be nice.' and that's basically it.

As stated at least a thousand times, yes, I lift hard 5x a week. But I wonder why more and more. Sure, I need to get sexy and being fit prolongs my lifespan. Nice if I can make it. If not, well, than not.

What the actual fuck is wrong with me? I suppose this isn't how life should paint itself.