Hi all,

I had a mental breakdown today - please don't give too much tough love. I know I've made mistakes in this story but right now I'm just looking to untangle this mess and some advice or words of encouragement.

Backstory:

I work as a management consultant, which means good money, prestige, but also lots of stress, pressure and 18 hour days. I joined the firm from my MBA and my LTR and I got offers from the same company so we work together in Australia (I'm from Europe). NB: we work separately at different client sites Monday to Thursday, and in the same office Fridays.

In the past year and a half:

  • my dad died from lung cancer after I dropped my life to take care of him for 2 months as he was wasting away
  • my mom got diagnosed with oral cancer but with good prognosis
  • my beloved uncle got diagnosed with terminal cancer (will die soon)
  • LTR has broken up to varying degrees dozens of times over stupid fights, even though I've treated her well - my life has been intense ups and downs and she has caused so much stress

Today I am in training with her and other colleagues (whilst also on a very stressful project) and she's here too. Long story short, she got angry about something stupid 2 weeks ago, we didn't speak for a week, she told me to cancel the weekend we had planned in Melbourne after the training and yesterday she confirmed (after hugging and kissing and being totally normal with me) that it's 100% over.

This is not the first time it's been "100% over" - I think she loves the power trip of me trying to fix things and her telling me nah. She's objectively a 34 year old 5/10 and I'm a 29/30 year old 7.5 or 8/10, but I'm emotionally fucking stunted so I crave her validation unless she gives it.

At training she is so chirpy and happy and social whilst I'm sad that it's over. I asked her to at least pretend so that I can deal with today and then we can avoid each other from then on, but she just ignored me and continued (gave her more power to feed on).

Together with work stress, my family issues, and the extreme emotional stress she has put me under, I completely lost it ... I calmly left the training and have just spent the day outside calling friends for support. I'm pretending I just got work to do.

I spoke to my mentor at the firm (a Partner) and HR and told them I need to take unpaid leave after my project is done because I am breaking down - and I told them the reasons.

I feel like I've completely lost my marbles and I just need to get as far away from her as humanly possible. Unpaid leave for 2 months would allow me to do full no contact otherwise not possible and to finally move on and not be her fucking toy!

What are your thoughts on my approach, other than hate for all my TRP mistakes and fuck ups? I hate her guts and her voice makes my blood boil. With regard to the job, taking Leaves of Absence (unpaid leave) is fairly common but more for productive reasons like entrepreneurial ventures, etc. My reasons are valid, but they may impact my position at the firm. My plan is to stay another 11 months at this firm anyway, and no more, after having already spent a year and a month here.

I don't care anymore about what she thinks - all that matters is regaining my mental health as I feel I'm on the brink of suicide; for the past year I've had the proverbial (and literal) knife to my wrist many times and they were always at the peak of the stresses created by her.