First of all, this is a throwaway for obvious reasons. I noticed that when you even slightly disagree with their subreddit dogma, people have been getting suspicious of trolling over the slightest reasons, even on my main acct where I describe serious parts of my life: it's frustrating. So if you think I am one, please AMA and I'll be happy to answer honestly, or add something else to the conversation, it'd be nice. (you should AMA if you're curious or think I missed sth important too!)

It's kind of off topic and I have no advice or male story whatsoever to offer, I'm mostly asking for opinions, so if it's not what you're looking for you've been warned.

So I am a just-turned-21 "blue piller" girl for the most part although kinda racist, but your subreddit intrigued me and I spent part of the night reading the top posts. Honestly, most points weren't on point on my psyche (can't speak about every girl's psyche, and neither can you or anyone I think) but you did nail some of it - which is no surprise, reading blogs, luck or having contact with a few actual women can help you out.

So, I don't understand a lot my own thoughts esp. about sexuality, their origin, and am sometimes ashamed of them. Since you claim you can understand us better than ourselves (not trying to start an argument, just stating what I think I got from my binge reading), I'm treating this to be like going to a fortune teller: I don't really believe in it but it's something different and there might be something someone says that would be interesting. Therefore, my interest will be in being completely honest and I won't hesitate to acknowledge and be thankful if someone helped me out in understanding my strange way of thinking.

I'm trying to start from the beginning but I'll promise it'll probably get a bit interesting later on. I don't think I'm anymore damaged than most of you. I have no daddy issues whatsoever, I in fact lived with my father this year after my mother recently divorced him, and everything went damn near perfect (hello from Western Europe!). However, like most people who are brought here, I do have some trauma from my childhood.

Background I tried to make short but failed and you can skip:

I had the ultimate overbearing mother and was a huge loner. I'm also an only child. I started to rebel a bit in high school, but it isn't until college and living alone for the first year that I found what I can call "friends" - although most of these friendships don't seem to be lasting. I used to, and still do, feel lonely in permanence. That's one point you have gotten right although I'd attribute it more to my past than being a female (my mother is content never leaving the house with no contact with even a pet, this baffles me.).

I am in a very, very male-dominated field where I was the only girl in my group for the first year, so I managed to only make male friends although I do feel the need for female company and would kill for an older sister. I sincerely really like most other women but I get shy like a "beta male" around them and start to stutter, although I consider myself purely heterosexual. This is the first thing I don't understand.

Let's jump to sexuality to avoid an even bigger wall of text. First, my past: I had a high school lover and we broke up 2 months after high school was over (don't recall being heartbroken over this). At 18, brace yourselves, I was impressed with a 30 something coke dealer and started going out with him. He was no doubt what most of you would describe as "alpha" and more, but I soon found out he pretty much had a harem. I left him and got a sweet guy in my class who was pursuing me and had just gotten me flowers for Valentine's day although I'd told him "no" before (we were friends though).

I grew frustrated with his immaturity, jumping from a 30 year old with life experience, and controlling ways (I am not the jealous kind at all, and used to be oblivious until I've been cheated on for the second time. So I try to keep my eyes more open in order not to lose time with a cheater.). I broke up with him, there were a lot of tears shed, on both parts because he had an adorable soul and I (still) just wish we'd met when we were a bit older.

I two more sexual encounters during that year. A one night stand with Tinder, which I immediately after regretted because although the guy was ripped I didn't enjoy it in the least bit. I didn't answer his following texts. And I sucked off a cute friend's dick while we were wasted, but he fell in love with me after that and I was seeing the same immaturity that had bothered me before, so I put a term to our friendship.

2nd year of college, this year, comes by. I had decided to try my best and find a sweet guy like I used to have, who would not embarrass me in public. Still looking for that. For reminders, I now lived with my dad only and one day in November we had a petty argument turn borderline violent (don't remember what it was about). He paid rend and told me to get out. I packed my bags and while looking for resources (most of my friends lived with parents or were supported by them and I am too proud to bother), I landed in a 33 year old's house.

He is arabic and was extremely nice at the beginning, didn't try to sleep with me, then tried some moves but respected it when I pushed him away. I ended up sleeping with him after two months of him showing me only his loving, respectful side and thought I might have found the right one.

Throughout the schoolyear, our relationship deteriorated because I found out some ugly secrets about him (he'd been in jail for beating up his supposedly "crazy" ex-wife, his "job" was mostly stealing and dealing weed). But I thought I was the only woman in his life and stuck with him since I had gotten attached. I now suspect he has cheated on me once. End of June, there was a huge argument about that because I pretty much had proof and I managed to escape to the hospital with head injury and my face deformed after an eventful night.

Went back to my dad's for good with my tail between my legs, and admitted he was right (he is hardcore racist but had ended up accepting the relationship for me although he never agreed to meet him). Arabic ex kept calling me every two minutes, I blocked him with no remorse whatsoever. He started having his friends call me or calling from unknonwn numbers to which I would just hang up on as soon as I realized, so at the beginning of summer I made it clear that it was OVER and I didn't miss him ONE BIT. These were my actual feelings. I had grown immensely closer to my father and I didn't want to ruin that either.

But, to my surprise, he started crying like a child and swearing by Allah that he had never laid hands on an other woman while he was with me (I still don't know what to think about that), he was drunk and couldn't live without me. I felt like I had found the loving guy again, and although it did take some time, when my dad went on vacation I ended up going back to him. We're now together in his head, I'm waiting to find a completely clean guy in mine.

That was the background. Here is where I think either you guys are wrong about women, I am a bit different from the norm, or most likely a little bit of both:

-I hate one night stands. I mentioned that I tried one, but I also had cute guys make move on me and lost any attraction the moment I realized their intent was sexual. I haven't slept with any of my lovers before a few weeks at least had gone by, and I thought I might be prone to falling in love with them. I am no prude and talk about sex/make sex jokes with male friends, and I'd like to be able to have fun like other girls but it just turns me off... Once again I have no reason to lie so if you think this is not possible and I am trolling hit the back button on your window, I'm going to reveal weirder stuff

-I would never cheat on a man. I felt so bad when I've been played that I'll just dump this guy's ass when I find someone good for me, I have never been tempted and don't think I ever will. Probably because the biggest part of me being attracted to someone is knowing them. Maybe when I get older, have a spouse and find a perfect coworker I get to know... I'd still like to think I'd do my best to separate myself from the crush or in the very worst case leave my partner, but you never know. I think I am, try to be, and am considered a very caring and soft person. What hurts somebody I know hurts me. It is important for my next point.

-Here comes the embarrassing stuff no one knows about IRL: I am a sexual sadist. I had my first orgasm on male orgasm denial porn, and only watch gay CBT or SM porn when I masturbate. I don't like when the master hurts their slave, only their genitals or just controls them. My fantasy would be to lock a man up in a chastity belt to control his orgasms and sometimes crush his balls and make him wear my panties as punishment, all the while being very loving to him and reassuring him. I hope this isn't too explicit for this sub.

I desperately searched google for women who had the same fanatasy as me, but aside the odd proably-fake, it seems that it is a male-only fetish to be locked up. So why the hell do I only like that when I wouldn't hurt a fly in a non-sexual context? Also, ain't I supposed to be a slut and immediately jump on the bigger dick because I'm female? (I'm NO SAINT, but I can't recognize myself much in what you describe here)

I appreciate those of you who took the time to read my post, and hope I can gain some insight from an unexpected place. Thanks in advance for your responses. I hope I'm not so off topic that the mods remove this post, I just spent an hour typing this!