I'm a 17 year old Indian. Most of my childhood has been spent in fulfilling expectations for my parents. I have been forced for over so many years, to get only the first position in my class. I've even gotten severe beatings from my father if that didn't happen. My mom at the age of 5, conditioned me into submission. She used to scream eyes down when I was around her. I've lost my eye contact ability. I just feel as if I lock eyes with someone, they'd just punch me on the face. I've been guilt tripped all these years just so that I would fulfill every single wish they had. They called all my exam results as their honour at stake in the society, despite my getting better marks than 99% of the other students.

I'm an intelligent male. I read and finish atleast 4 books in a week. I've started to practice calisthenics mass training to get better and better. I had a porn addiction but, I'm on nofap now. I'm clean from 45 days, not even nightfalls. Life's never been happier from within. But nearly crushing everyday from the outside.

I'll give some background on my parents. My father lost his father at the age of two. He had a few brothers who moved up, and left him and his mother alone. She has raised him single handedly, and that he worships everyday. But I can see that he lacks all masculinity. He jokes around the house like a beta pussy, calls other toxic uncles in the neighborhood with respect even knowing that one day they'll stab his back. He doesn't take a stand for himself. He often threatens to call the police on me. It's the year of my college admission and he goes fucking around in the house saying that he will resign his job and they'll move to another city. Leaving me alone here. One thing he obviously enjoys is to compare me with other more succesful kids, even if they are 24 and I'm 17. He likes to talk to other people about how disgraceful I am as a son because I cannot secure the first rank.

My mom teaches 3rd grade students. She is a certified narcissist. I've read as many psychology books as I could and it all matches with my mother. She doesn't give me affection, rather sucks it out like a sinkhole. It's her who can never be guilty, she tells me to respect all other women. Of course that's blue pill guidance, but what's more is that even when I'm in pain she sees her own. The last time I cried was because of an utter breakdown. Dad was again ranting about me to someone on the phone. She heard me, and then started to shake uncontrollably. She started to say that please stop son, if you don't then I'll get sick and die. Please don't do this, because it bothered her a lot. My soul was completely crushed hearing that. I stopped talking to them since that day. She has one of her eardrums damaged and shouts as loud as she can at me. As a result people living around do not respect me at all.

Now that I've started to exercise I've started to observe my shoulders are getting more and more in right position. Earlier they were rounded. Yes, I know that's a classic sign of submission. It was clearly visible in my body language to all. People instead of telling me to do things the right way, used me as a doormat. I am the pleaser type. Non confrontational, beta cuck who would run away leaving his girl behind. Now that I've stopped talking to them they've become more receptive. My mom comes around, says that she loves me a lot. The next moment, starts to rant about how I would never change and all. I've always been a really good guy, I never knew why all those teachers created strong bonds with the backbenchers rather than me, who used to participate in their class completely. After some time of no contact, I confronted my father and kicked him hard. I even tore the skin of his hand, while he scratched me hard and beat me on the face repeatedly with slippers. Yet mom sympathised with him and not me. I couldn't understand. He came to me next day, and said if you wanna fight, come fight from the front. I pulled my hand right at his face and stopped it before slapping him. He knew the meaning, he left.

Since the time they are alternating affection with guilt tripping. And it's driving me insane. I have thought of committing suicide many times but I stop myself, thinking of what would happen to them afterward. If things keep going this way, I swear I'll kill them. Being their son.

I'm desperate for a solution. Please RP veterans, please guide me.