A few years ago we went away on a trip with some friends. So it is me, my friend X and his dad, sitting on the porch of our rented accomodation. Having a beer. The ladies want to go to the shops to buy trinkets or whatever they sell to the tourists.

X's wife walks up. 'Can you look after the kids while we go to the shops'

X: Sure. Which ones?

W: ?? All?? (They have three)

X: I will watch x and y.

W: I cant take z with me to the shops.

X: Ok, I will watch y and z.

This goes on for a minute or so. X is calm and assertive and just says he will take two kids. He does not DEER, he does not get angry, he just sits there, fully in his frame.

At this stage me and his dad are like passengers in a car where the driver has gone out of his mind. I am gripping my chair thinking 'Dude! You are going to make her angry!'

At one point I almost blurted out that it is ok, I will help look after the kids. His dad turns to me with a very nervous chuckle and reckons X can be stubborn at times.

Now today, while I am unplugging I am starting to recall many such events that left an impression on my mind. I did not understand it at the time but now I am seeing how OI my friend was. He held frame, he was not seeking acceptance. He did not DEER for one moment.

The outcome of that little conversation? She took 2 kids and left him with one. She made a huge huff and puff as she left but by that evening she was sitting on his lap, stroking his hair next to the campfire. Purring like a kitten.