Edit : beginners*. Damn, what a typo.

Hi all,

At almost 25M, I have very poor dating experience. That's due to anxiety, stress and prior lack of experience that increases like a snowball. This summer, however, I had the chance of flirting with a girl and getting exposed to both success and failure at the end with her, which kinda broke the vicious circle of inexperience. Here are some future advice I wrote for myself and I wanted to share them. Do more experienced male daters approve them?

Absolutely date more than one girl at the same time

That is a part which I totally missed. I became so enamored with that girl that I did not pursue other options. We had matched on Tinder and when I swiped, I thought : "Oh no they are less good than X, better stick to her." I could also see that she was not active on Tinder after we kissed, so it was supposedly immoral to "cheat" on her. No! It is vital to combat any thoughts of not dating other girls than your favorite one, even if that takes some mental energy and time :

- If you are inexperienced, the more diversified experience, the absolute better.

- If you date a single girl, you might end up terribly needy and non-natural.

- You will be busier for each girl you'll date, that should help in terms of attractiveness.

That part is vital, it might help on every other single point that follows.

One reason for it is that :

You haven't "won" if you kissed the girl

She can run away from you as quickly as she might have come to you. Not only you can't reasonably put all your bets on her, but you should remain attractive even after you start having success with her.

I'd say that there is more like a ladder :

- First kiss, possibly awkward.

- More natural kisses.

- More intimacy, foreplay.

- First sex, possibly awkward.

- More natural sex.

- She wants to consistently see you and have sex with you.

I reached the "More intimacy, foreplay" part and still ended up being ghosted. I wrote the ladder according to my own understanding. I think that every step here can filter you out and you might have won with the girl only when you reached the last ladder here. Let me know if all of that makes sense or not.

Do not appear (too much) more interested than her

That's basic advice but as a needy unexperienced guy, you can so easily appear too much interested. This appears in subtle ways :

- Do not send her much longer texts than hers, and do not reply too fast is she takes time to do so. That's not always so easy, especially with online dating and before the first date. But I think that rule should be more strictly implemented after a first date, where you start being in the pole position of guys she's dating. Also, send smileys and exclamation marks with much parsimony.

- Do not ask her questions if she does not. If the conversation dies, then let it die. It might restart later on.

- Try not to modulate your behavior on her own. I might contradict myself, but it's better to take your time to reply, write short texts and use questions with parsimony at the start of your texting than abruptly move from big texts to small texts when she starts leaving. That could look artificial and kill the very purpose of not responding late.

Show you have a life, give her (and yourself) space

Do not put the girl above too many things in your life before you reach a certain point in the ladder (preferably the final one). Your work, friends and family come first. She must absolutely understand that you have many things happening besides her and that she's not your priority (at least if you're not hers). That will also help you give her some space. To make all of that work, it is best to date more than one girl, as you can continue chasing others if one is "paused". More specifically :

- Absolutely do not initiate a conversation with her (and do not suggest a date!!) when you know she's busy (exam, week-end somewhere, family/work issues, and so on). Wait until she comes back or at least do not text her until her busy period is over. Maybe you'll end up being ghosted, but well then she was not interested.

- When you are feeling lonely, do NOT start texting her, even if you start becoming intimate with her. You'll show in one way or another that nothing much besides her is going on and that you are needy.

- In general, avoid initiating a conversation at all. It's best that she does. If she does not, then you can move on. At least, you'll get some brutal honesty.

- If she rejects a date, absolutely do not make a new suggestion shortly after. I think it's even better to not make a new suggestion at all and see if she comes back. Give her some space at the very least.

- After a date, avoid contacting her for a few days and see whether she comes back or not. The best is probably to not even text her after a date, even if you want to, and see whether she comes back. If she does come back, avoid making plans for the new one until a few days. The best is to see whether she suggests anything on her own. It is best that she does it herself, and even better without any "Let me know" on your side.

- If you have something planned, like a WE or visiting family or anything, change nothing and do not make yourself more available. That's easily said, but if you like a girl very much and you have a lot of flexibility, you might fall in that trap. Even better, you can absolutely make yourself more busy than you really are.

During the dates : slow but consistent and confident escalation

That's another part I was totally missing before that summer. I still need to explore a lot more on that, but here would be my idea of a ladder to escalate things :

- Look in her eyes, smile and do not look at your phone (or maybe you can... thoughts?). Let her talk more than you.

- If you sit at a table, you can touch her legs with yours to initiate some first physical contacts.

- Start real physical contact : hand in her back, arm behind her shoulders, among others.

- Get more intimate : grab her arms, hand holding.

- Kiss her. You can ask for the first one, but real physical contact must should been made before.

- If you are at a private place, you can start stroking her back and touching her intimate parts to start the escalation leading to sex.

No problem in doing all of that slowly if you're not confident. And if she sends negative signals (eg pulling back), go down in the ladder.

Do not tell her your weaknesses or worries

If you are with a girl who has trust issues, tells you about her worries or weaknesses, you might think you can reciprocate that. No ! At most, if she tells you about a difficult experience she had, tell her about one similar you faced but do not make her feel you were very affected. Instead, tell her how you overcame that situation.

And absolutely do not bring up any weakness/worry on your own. For example, I had a date with the girl where we did not kiss. I was worried and opened up about the fact I was worried after we kissed on the next date. I never saw her again and the texting starting evolving into ghosting. I had also told her things like I had vacuum-cleaned my place on the day she came and "things behind the scenes" which totally show that I worked hard for her (even if cleaning your place before a date is obvious).